The Underground Man - Part 3
You are telling me…me such things? We are not Christians, no one in our whole wide family is. Now it is you, a strong Atheist with all your intellectual capacity that want to preach me how I should live, what to expect from life instead of letting time pass by without shaping a great future for myself?“
„I am just wondering! “
„It is not good to think too much, my daughter. Let me tell you the simple truth of life. You grow up, go to school, eat, drink, sleep and laugh and cry. You learn a job, open your legs, get fun and children, get a divorce, try not to lose your job, do what your bosses are telling you, desire to get a good early pension, rest, enjoy the moment and then die…simply as that“.
„That is what life is all about? To open my legs, get pregnant and die? “
„Exactly…thinking, changing, acting and making too much noise here on earth is not good for anyone!“
„I want to change the world! “
„Oh please, Anna, do not make me laugh or call you stupid. This is not for you. Remind yourself of where you come from. Look at your parents, your two sisters, the place here you were born into“.
„Yes, I do“.
„So, you see your level. There is nothing in it to make you a mover, to advance you in life in any way. No one of our family has ever exceeded in life above our present level ever“.
„But I know…it is possible“.
„For others possibly…but not for you. “
„I refuse to believe in other people´s happiness when I have to sacrifice myself to extinction, rather believe in my own mind to be directed to come out as a great person to make my own way and mark in this world. I was born to live for myself and my destiny, not to live a life like others that have to live their own life. “
„What is that you are talking about? Are you out of your mind or on some kind of drugs“, entered Irena, Anna`s one year older sister, the kitchen. She sat down at the kitchen table before her rice with stuffed paprika in tomato sauce and green jelly pudding with vanilla sauce for dessert both bought home by her mother Monika Willers from work in a private bank.
„When are you coming home tonight? “Asked Monika Willers her oldest child that was ready to leave for dancing. In a big and heavy metal pot on the gas powered stove was she washing their dirty clothes, no money for a washing machine. Boiled hot water and stirring of underpants, bras and socks was her only choice to bring out clean clothing’s for the family; hard work, but no choice.
Irena turned her back to her moths as usual and replied grumbling: „I do not know. When I will be home, I will be home! “
„As long as you still put your feet under my table“, walked Monika Willers around the table to face Irena. She starred with disgust at the girl that she had lost as daughter long ago, „you do as I say! Is that clear? “
Irena did not mind her mother, left the desert untouched and walked out of the apartment in anger and hate.
Anna looked at her plate. She felt sad. Her thoughts darkened. Tears filled her voice. Doubts clouded her mind. From the courtyard behind her wind pushed between the windows against her neck. How much she hated these moments of the day, felt dirty and useless, at the same time relaxed to know when people at her mother´s workplace would have finished all food cooked, at nights the family would have had nothing to eat. Like a heavy stone in her heart these moments would stay with her all her life wondering about justice and unfairness in this world always.
Monika Willers had a long wooden spoon in her hand lifting it up: „I am not a well-educated person but…“, she turned her weary eyes to Anna and smiled behind her ears, „when you want…“. She paused, got up, walked over to the stove, used her spoon to stir the bubbling washing and continued. „ All I want for my daughters is only to have a better life than I had and…still have. “ Tears run down her cheek. She tried to hide them from Anna.
„So, do you think, there can be something better for me out there? “asked Anna finishing her rice and paprika.
„I am confused! “ Monika Willers admitted. „I wish….but I also know….as I have seen so much in my life. “
„So, what about….believing? “
The mother turned around focusing on her daughter with head down: “To believe? Oh, my God! To believe and not to see…how often did I go through these vicious circles? I believe…and then things go their own way. “
Anna left her mother, closed the door behind her. She shut the curtains, turned off the lights. Her child room was her fortress. The world around her faded away was unreal. Her mind was sharp. Nervousness filled her soul, moved her body to grab her exercise book, pen, and small side lamp to shine onto the paper. Hidden in the protective darkness of the moment, word after word touched down on the paper forced by an endless stream of ideas, emotions and pictures. Giving herself up to an inner force, she was not able to name the story progressing minute by minute. While words poured out of her mind, she was not aware about what she was doing; she did what the inner force asked her to mind to see and her hands to write them down, the words and ideas so unknown to herself. After five pages written, she would l ways stop and take a rest being physically exhausted but mentally freed…the inner pressure was released. At the age of twelve, she had written her first book, a book about the Ì`in us.
She paused for a moment, looked up starring at the wallpaper, a mix of Pop Art flowers on dark green background and proclaimed to herself: „One thing in like is certain, the center of my life, I do not want to die being as stupid as my parents are. Money? That is not important to me as one day I surely die…and then what…what to do with all the money acquired? No way, I need to know all there is to learn…understand the world, us humans and come up with powerful concepts to change the world and make it a better place for us. “
Anna turned around thinking she had heard a voice, deep and crystal clear. She tried to see the person that had spoken, Anna was unable to fix her eyes to anything other than her desk, white shining in the darkness.
„As we are alive, we can change our and other people´s life. Life is in our mind supported by our body and heartbeat to let the world see what is in us. Most certainly things can always be questioned and improved, but first we must take time to understand life and the humans that act on their breathtaking experience for acting among each other for good, for better or for worse.“
….to be continued
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