Last week on the subject matter “When there’s a Breakup”, we discussed some vital steps to be taken when a breakup of relationship occurs. In this part, we shall discuss some other things we can to heal up our wounds and be free from the agony of a broken relationship. Enjoy your reading.
Forget the past: The last point we talked about last week is forgiveness. You are made to understand that forgiving the partner that broke away and forgiving yourself for your flaws is a rare favor you can do for yourself on your journey to be healed. Now, to forgiveness must be added the act and art of forgetting the past. Times without number, people have told me, Damilola, I will forgive but I will never forget what they have done to me, never! I simply reply them "if you won't forget, then, there's no need to forgive because if you forgive and refuse to forget, it's as good as not forgiving for the hurt will still hunt you". I love Apostle Paul, one of the greatest defenders and preachers of the Christian faith. He said he made it a duty to forget the things that were behind him while he pressed forward towards the goals that are before him. You cannot press forward if you are still holding on to your past. Let the past pass away because the past belongs to the past. No matter how good your former partner was to you, the fact that they have gone means that they have gone, and the reality of the day is they may never ever again find their way into your life. Will you stop existing because someone quits being in your life? There are so many unfortunate cases of suicide and murder missions around us today because of breakup, heartbreak and failed relationships. My dear reader, if you die because someone jilts you or breaks your heart, hundreds of thousands people will pass over your grave and spit on you. The best your family and friends will give you is R.I.P (we are not even sure whether you will rest in peace or not) and some sweet words you will never live to hear. Do not kill yourself and do not kill others. My belief has always been this - if anyone shuts their door against me, my God is opening better doors for me; doors of good plans, brighter future, hope for the best living. Are you thinking of killing yourself? Stop it, do not do it! There are better options for you. Ask yourself this "If I kill myself now, will that stop my ex-lover from living?"
Engage yourself and be Active: This has helped a lot of people who are heartbroken, wounded and ignored. When you experience a breakup from a loving relationship, do not sit down
depressed. Do not cry and weep all day long. Do not turn yourself to an object of pity. Dear, you have soaked your pillow with tears enough. Stand up and sit up, for it is high time you engaged yourself in some profitable activity. Listen, it is absolutely right for you to mourn the departure of a lover for losing someone you once dearly loved to a breakup similar to losing them to death. So, you are free to mourn. However, for how long will you mourn and be down depressed? Find something better to do. Is it music you like to sing, hook up with some studio and start recording your song. Is it drawing and painting you feel like doing, start it immediately. Maybe you love meeting new people, then, do not stay indoors, go out and meet people. Engaging yourself in a reasonable activity when there's a breakup is a good way of releasing yourself from the bondage of the past relationship (s). A colleague told me, "Damilola" I replied "yes". He said "I could not pour acid on my ex but I poured acid on my paper by engaging myself in writing". That's it! He was hurt badly that pouring acid on his ex could have been the most reasonable thing to do but he chose to pour acid of ink on his paper by writing poems and short stories. I bet you, the poems written by this guy are one of the best I have come across. Do something! An idle hand is the devil's workshop. The colleague told me, "Damilola", I said "yes". He said "I never knew I could write so beautifully well until she broke up with me". Wow! That is great. The broken relationship brought the best out of him. Instead of using this period to think of how to kill yourself, why don't you use it to develop yourself? There are benefits to gain from everything, even from a breakup.
Move closer to God: You should be close to God, the Giver of life and joy, at all times, no matter the situation. But during a trying time like a period of breakup, moving closer to God is one of the sweetest things to do. With and in God, you find solace. Go to a psychologist, see a physician; God remains the only Professional Who perfectly heals the brokenhearted and cures the sick at heart. He knows and owns the best therapy for you. Why? He creates you and knows everything (including those things you don't know) about you. Now, let me share with you a little of God’s work in me when I was broken. Just as if God knew the disaster of breakup that was ahead of me that year, He said unto me "Now, begin to attend Winners’ Chapel". I said "No, I cannot attend Winners’ Chapel, that church where they wear trousers and uncover their heads. I cannot". But the voice repeatedly kept coming to me "Now, begin to attend Winners’ Chapel". I lost my peace that I had no choice than to obey? Few weeks after joining the church, we had a Sunday service called "Covenant Day of Marital Breakthrough". Honestly, I prayed for myself,
my partner (then) and the relationship. Before the week of our Covenant Day of Marital Breakthrough lapsed, I got a very long epistle of bitter messages from my "love". I cannot remember many things said in the message now but I remember she said these three sentences "Thank you for everything you have done. But I can no longer continue in this patch-patch relationship. I need a break". So the relationship I had esteemed with so much value is nothing but a patch-patch relationship to the other lover. I was shocked and I asked God “Is this the marital breakthrough you want to give me?”. Of course, I mourned the death of the relationship just like anyone else may do. But I thank God for the direction He gave me. I thank God for Pastor Segun Adebayo, our Resident Pastor then. Every service I attended with Pastor Segun (as he was fondly called), he must surely say something about me. It got to a point I was taking the pastor for a wizard. It was as if someone had gone to inform him about what I was passing through. His words were a healing balm to my soul. From the beginning of his message through to the middle of it, I would sit intently at God's feet, listening to His Word through Pastor Segun. At the end of each message, Pastor Segun would say "Let's give God a high praise!" Then, I would sing and dance, sing and dance because I had just been released from one of the chains of the bondage of breakup. When it was announced that Pastor Segun had been transferred, I saw some people crying and agitating. But I was happy for I said to myself "If this pastor was sent to this church just because of me, he has fulfilled his mission", I knew it. I was completely healed by God before his servant was taken somewhere else. Dear reader, God is the greatest Healer. He heals without any trace of scar. This time, it is of great benefits for you to be closer to God in Word, in prayer, in fasting, in praise and in doing good. Be glad in the Lord. Be closer to Him in service and in spirit, soul and body. He will not forsake you. He will not despise you. God is not an abstract entity. God is real and God is God. At all times, this one thing I know; if no one else loves me, God does love me.
Be Ready to Love Again: Many brokenhearted people have concluded that they would NEVER love again. Many have decided to revenge and avenge themselves. They are ready to break every heart that is breakable. Sincerely speaking, none of those decisions is necessary. You have to love again. As God is healing and binding up your wound, you should also open your heart to love and be loved again. Love is sweet; love is not wicked for God is love. Open your heart to love. Sometime, you fail in a particular relationship just to learn how best to love and be loved. A wise man will not repeat a mistake twice. It may take a little time but you will definitely see
someone else who is ready and willing to commitedly love you. When that person comes, do not shut the door of your heart. Just trust God to lead and direct your steps. I can assure you, God will always bring a better person. Just like a friend of mine, Adeyemi Michael, would say, God has so many sons and daughters, among them, you will surely find a better one who suits you. Open your heart to love again. However, it is recommended that you do not rush into a new relationship with a not-yet-healed wounded broken heart.
Accept the Fact that there's a Breakup: Many ladies still choose to believe that the guy who left is just kidding; some guys hold the tenet that the lady who left cannot do without them. So in their subconscious mind, they still believe the relationship is not over yet. They give themselves the assurance that the lover who left is coming back soon. But it hurts to later on discover that the one who left has moved on and he or she is no longer coming back, not ever again. For your good, do not get carried away by fantasies; face the reality. The relationship is over already and you get to move on in life. The earlier you accept that fact, the better. Also, you must know that love begins with you. Nobody will ever love you like you do, apart from God (He is the only One I know will love you more than you'll ever love yourself). Your happiness is not found in and through anyone else but you. Be surrounded by millions of lovers, if you do not love yourself, you will still not enjoy love. Hold on to God and hold on to yourself. Love your neighbors as yourself; this means you must love yourself first. That does not mean you are selfish, it simply means it is out of the love you have for yourself that you measure out to loving another person. In other words, you cannot love your neighbors if you do not love yourself. Stop talking people into loving you at all cost. It seems no one will ever forget his or her own life just to be dotting on you all the time. Love is from within. Your love starts with you. As for me, with God being on top all, I am the number one lover of myself. I love myself so much. I am my own lover, I am my own fan base. So, even if everyone chooses not to love me, I do not care because I know God loves me and I love myself. Are you following me please? Do not make another mortal person the source from which you draw out your love. In like manner, love God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your substances. He is God, He is not a man; He cannot fail.
May the peace and love of God reign supreme in your life as you surrender yourself to Him to take you through the pathway of healing and wholeness. Remember this always; if nobody loves you, God loves you abundantly.
Damilola Aderinluwo is currently a graduate student of the premier university in Nigeria, the University of Ibadan. Feel free to share your experience of breakup and/or healing with him via [email protected]