Rudiments of Staying Married

Divorce is prevalent lately. But still marriage is golden. Its affair reaches a crescendo when men purify their intention towards women, strike their feet down and beat their chests and say they’d never harm womanhood.

God loves women as He loves marriage. Even so, He has permitted divorce, but still feels so hurt to see spouses wanting to disentangle from each other. So, to keep the marriage standing firmly, spouses would need to reflect on building a solid marital foundation.

I. The Fear of God: Spouses should first get the ideal that ‘come let’s get married’ is as equal as ‘come let’s worship God’. This is the first rule!

For marriage is spiritual; and therefore was not created by men but God. Thus, how to provide for one’s spouse; socially, physically, economically, financially, sexually etc., have all been programmed by God. Marriage won’t be a success, if it had not been premised on the statutes of God.

Possessing the fear of God would make spouses conscious of discharging their marital duties towards one another. There’s going to be transparency because there’s honesty. This would breed trust, and trust would give birth to justice. If the marriage starts experiencing turbulence, God’s direction would be made paramount. And all that would be left for observers to say is that: ‘and they lived happily thereafter.’

II. Leave the Feeding Bottle: This point is unanimously consigned to men. All indicators show that some men are yet to distinguish the place their moms own in their marital lives, as against the rightful place of their beloved wives, whom God has ordained for them. Pathetic, isn’t it?

Metaphorically, even after marriage, some men still feed from their mother’s breasts instead of sucking their wives’. Those crop of men find it difficult to leave the feeding bottle. Their wives would be at home but they would rather love to be in the company of their moms. They love to eat from their moms’ kitchen than eating in that of their wives’.

For them it’s their mother first before their wives. Such men realize they are married when it’s time for ‘opening and closing’ and ‘going up and down’. This lifestyle hasn’t helped marriages off late; it has however created a big vacuum between some husbands and their wives.

It’s very primitive that a man would draw a schedule for his wife, in order to attend to his mom’s needs. This isn’t a religious habit. What a man needs to know is that his wife is his immediate family. And he’s unanswerable to God about her, not otherwise. So more energies must be channeled to putting smiles on to the wife’s face. The mother shouldn’t be given grounds to freely interfere in their marriage. The boundary must be made well-secured.

Dear men, leave your mom to her husband — your father — and throw the feeding bottle away. Let your wife’s rights over you be firmly established and obeyed thoroughly. And, had it not been poverty, it would not have made any ‘sense’ that a man would marry and still share a house with his parents. That, his mother would always love to lord over his wife and he smiles and takes pride in that.

III. Advance Forgiveness: Rhoda Owusua Oboubi of blessed memory, my late social mom, believes

that when a man says ‘come let’s marry, they rather mean come let’s quarrel.’ That’s why the propensity of misunderstanding, bickering and tantrums erupting in marriage are very high. But once ‘advance’ forgiveness had been taken as an entrenched position, staying married becomes easy.

A lot of advices are proffered during a counselling session. I, for instance, had three professionals in this field who I engaged. They provided their expertise beautifully and professionally.

I would later come to work and receive a special marital advice. I engaged a senior married colleague to advice me. The first thing which came from her lips was: “Abdul, you would need to have an ‘advance forgiveness.’” This phrase began resonating with my soul instantly. I have heard about forgiveness from the scriptures, but I feel the way she couched hers is exceptional.

“Women,” she said, “you know, can sometimes be petty. But one sure way for you, as the man of the house, is to take an entrenched position to forgive her before an incident even happens.”

She added that, her, for instance, is a garrulous woman. Whereas her hubby is somehow reserved. So she would start to nag when she realizes that she’s talking and her husband is not paying a rapt attention. But the husband knows her so he doesn’t go mad when she starts to behave awkwardly. He has programmed himself to forgive her in advance.

This is a good weapon. I feel it should go to both parties; wife and husband. Should everyone forgive in advance, mankind would begin to hear the voices of animals.

IV. Acquisition of Marital Knowledge: Quiet recently, months or years are used to plan for a wedding event. Photography, cooking, selection of venues, save-the-date trend, reception, on and on. The resources which are invested into these aspects of the marriage event are very huge. The only problem is that the same energies are sometimes never churned out into the preparation to stay married.

Why should three hours event be prioritised than a whole life event? One can infer that marriage has been made an occasion more than a spiritual school or journey. And it’s of this reason the youth aren’t perturbed when divorce takes place even within or after a year of marriage. This is not to say that abusive marriages must be entertained. No.

Now it’s the computer age period, and learning is simple. They’re various ways couples could consider to acquire knowledge about staying married.

Seeking advice from those who are healthily married. This can come in a form of one-on-one advice one could get from an external family member, friends or colleagues. These crops of people may be having hands-on experience about marriage. They could, using their marriages, set before one life teaching examples.

However, one should know that the solutions they’d perchance proffer might not work automatically. One needs to know that marriage, like pregnancy, treats everyone differently and special. So what is very good for the goose might not be the best for the gander, in marriage.

Also, acquiring knowledge could come from reading of books and listening to authentic and decent talk shows prior and post marriage.

The factoring of counselling session into marriage preparation is very key. There are professional counsellors and spiritual mothers and fathers who are very competent in this field. We are not saying that once a counseling session has been had issues won’t popped out. Rather, we are saying that, with counselling, couples would be exposed to some potential challenges of marriage and, how to avoid them, or manage them in the best of ways.

Note that more learning starts after marriage. That’s when spouses would get to know each other beyond what had been made clearer by themselves. It’s going to be a contest between theory and practical. For instance, one’s spouse could say that he handles stress better, but it’s the marriage which would either confirm it or debunk that assertion.

Therefore, as one is preparing for marriage or been married, eyes mustn’t be closed to the red flags, learn! And avoid as much as you could, that’s after you’ve become cognizant about the triggers.

V. Break the Retaliatory Syndrome: Revenge and personal vendettas don’t help in strengthening marriages. And if one would retaliate anytime it’d leave the marriage always bloated with big sours.

For instance, if a wife asks for a loan and she is habitually known for not amortizing it, the husband’s retaliation is that he shouldn’t say he wouldn’t loan her again. He can choose to give 50% or 30% loan instead of 100%. And while at it, he would be advising her about the need to honour one’s promise. And this is an acceptable retaliation.

But a husband chasing everything in skirt, as a relatalitory measure, because his wife had been on phone with a suspected male friend, could be a scum. Or a wife refusing to grant the husband bed-duties, as a punitive measure, because she had kept long at work, could be messing up with God himself! This is a silly retaliation.

Just like mahatma Ghandi said: “An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.” That being so, spouses should know that the best retaliation is no retaliation at all, or meeting one’s spouse at the table to discuss what led to the crime and thus finding common ground.

The good news here is that if men were to honestly discharge their conjugal rights, the beauty of women would never fade away. And people would see marriage as the haven it was divinely meant to be.

— Abdul Rahman Odoi

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