The Long Road To Forgiveness

" I am in my twenties now, from the age of eleven or twelve I have harboured resentment. I have been angry and bitter, and unable to let go of those who hurt me. I constantly got revenge, thought of revenge and wanted those who wronged me to suffer badly. I depleted myself. When you are in a state of unforgiveness, you don't know why the person was allowed to hurt you and go free while you are hurting.

In your want for justice in the world, you preoccupy yourself with getting revenge, to balance the equilibrium that karma is not settling. Unfortunately, unless you are willing to kill someone, or do something horrific revenge is never enough. ( I've never attempted doing those things, therefore I'm not even sure if killing or doing something horrific solves the problem).

For anyone, who might be contemplating the former. Do not go to prison over somebody whose wronged you or you hate. Or do something inhumane because of them. They are not worth the guilt or your inability to eat what you want, wear what you want and live life as you please. They life should not be worth your right to have, for example, simple pure water when you desire. Be selfish!

Back to the story of my learning to forgive and heal. I went to many churches and I've been in different circles, many have convinced me to forgive. However most said, it's only hurting you and un forgiveness is drinking poison and expecting someone to die, God has forgiven you so you better forgive etc.... It was not helpful, though I'm sure most intentions were pure. Guilt tripping, berating and making people seem bad for not being able to process their hurt is wrong. We are to embrace the hurting as a society, especially in social organisations like churches, and maybe that embrace may propel the healing process. Loved people love people.

How did I finally forgive ? I prayed and then I decided to try love, nothing else was working. I had to come to that realisation, I was tired, my life was going well but the pain was still consuming my thoughts, ruining my joy and relationships. I learned you cannot change people, you may still not even respect those who hurt you, however you can love them as a human, not necessarily as a person. As well as hope they become better, you may let them go free, however their wrong doing can bring them extreme evil at the hands of someone else. I look at those who've wronged me differently now, I see them as small, I see them as pitiful. Now I see myself as someone who has risen from all their dysfunction and is still able to have empathy. That is something, that makes my beauty shine even more. A polished diamond is even more beautiful than a raw diamond. They've made me glow as a person.

To my fellow stubborn un forgivers it's possible to forgive and the beauty you will see in yourself, will be spectacular, you will be proud of your resillience and your ability to still love. Those hoping people will forgive and heal, love them, don't guilt trip and berate them, and watch them find their own journey with your help. Love the lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. " Love your neighbour as yourself..... love your enemies do good to them, forgive just as your Heavenly Father forgives you." ( The bible ) God's most important demands now make sense to me, in order to feel divine love and peace, you must realise only the divine can forgive, the err's of humans." (Former un forgiver).