1. Wear white. Oh don't mind me, I'm just wearing a diamond-encrusted cloud and sitting in the front row, but it's YOUR DAY, SWEETIE!
2. Get hammered and start drama. You're my basssfraaaaand. You know that I love you. And I am sooooo happy for you today. But Jenna? Why did you make her your maid of honor? Jenna is a heinous bitch. Oh, hi, Jenna.
3. Disingenuously dance with old people to get laid. Mostly male guests are guilty of this one. Sorry, dude, dancing with a tiny, adorable grandma while you give me The Eye does not cancel out your soul patch.
4. Throw a fit about not being able to get shots at the open bar.You and I both know you can get more than drunk enough on the free Riesling. You do not need to wrestle a shot of Patron from this depressed catering company bartender in order to feel alive at this wedding.
5. Not be cool with buying a bachelorette party T-shirt or throwing down for the mani-pedi group package. Passive aggressive emails about "not thinking you should have to buy the shirt that says Queen Jessica on it" because "you're technically not in the wedding" make you look tacky and cheap. Sorry not sorry.
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