The Problem With No Sex Before Marriage

By Kwadjo Panyin
Love & Relationships Photo-Pixhere
SEP 24, 2018 LISTEN

“I have decided not to have sex until I am married.”

Every now and then, I will meet a love interest who hits me with the “no sex before marriage” rule. Nothing on earth prepares you for this statement especially if you do not subscribe to the “no sex before marriage” club. These words can be particularly hard to hear if you have developed some sort of strong attraction for the person. These words will be also hard to hear if the person uttering these words has turned up the charm for you.

We have a problem here. A problem that causes me a great deal of

heartburn when it comes to a person who does not want to have sex until marriage, trying to date someone of the opposite view and vice versa. If your goal is saving it until marriage, you are going to walk into a myriad of frustrations if you are not looking for partners within your club.

You are saving it before marriage because you have taken a purity pledge. You are a pure virgin. You are not a virgin but you have discovered a higher form of faith so you are now saving it for marriage. You are a secondary virgin.

(Side rant) When was the last time you heard a person who is not a virgin say “I am saving it for marriage?” I thought this type of conversion is rare but I was proven wrong. There are quite a few secondary virgins out there. Chances are, you may run into one of them.

Whether you are a pure virgin or a secondary virgin, you have taken a personal vow not to have sex until you get married. Hey, I am not mad at you. I am actually happy for you. Your moral compass is stronger than most of us. I do not have a problem with you choosing not to have sex until you get married.

It’s your body, it’s your choice.

Call me crazy, but if someone does not want to have sex before marriage, I want to be very kind and gentle to them. Kind and gentle in this context means that I am going to respect your stance and not attempt to enter your world from a romantic standpoint. It is highly unfair to turn up the charms for you, make you fall in love with me then use the strong emotional bond we share to make you break your vows. It is wrong to wade into your world and push or try to convince you to join my “sex is cool before marriage” club.

The ideology that the right person will change their minds and also hold off sex until marriage is ludicrous. Pardon my language.

That said, it is unfair for you to enter my world with your “no sex before marriage” stance, make me fall in love with you then expect me to hold off sex to prove my commitment to you. I cannot mutate for you that easily. I know myself and I know I cannot make a commitment not to have sex.

If you want a “hold hands and kiss” type of relationship, I am not your guy. Look to your church members or you may find a “hold hands and kiss” partner in your circles of like-minded individuals.

Permit me to share a personal story of a close friend of mine. She happens to be a God-fearing Ghanaian lady. She dated a guy for two years before they got married. Being a strong Christian, she told him she had taken a vow to remain pure until she got married. He tried to get her to change her mind and failed. He finally decided to wait because he wanted to marry her. They had sex for the first time on their wedding night. That same night, he gave her an STD; the highly unpleasant kind that we all dread. For two years, her boyfriend slept with countless women without her knowledge. He was not able to hold off having sex while he waited to get married. When she told me her story amidst tears, she disclosed how she used to praise him for controlling his urges to friends and family. She told me if she has a chance for a do-over, she will still wait to have sex after marriage. However, she will not make the mistake of making a man change his views and hold off sex because of her. I am not sharing this story as a cautionary tale. I share this story to drive home the point of how preposterous it is to expect someone to change their stance on sex before marriage for you.

Like I said before, it is your body and your choice. Unlike you, however, I want to know if we are sexually compatible before we get married. Sexual chemistry is something I can only ascertain by having sex with you.

In addition to sexual chemistry, I want to know what sexual perversions you are harboring behind that good Christian smile. I am not waiting until our wedding night to have you emerge from the bathroom fully clad from head to toe in black leather wielding a whip and scaring the living daylights out of me.

If you want to wait to find out if he is packing a big table spoon

or a tiny teaspoon, that is cool. For one thing, you will have no clue if your new spouse has any sexual issues like an inability to climax, keep his grease shaker up the whole time or if you may have an allergy to his grease pumps. Then again, if your faith drives you to wait to find out, that is cool. I am not mad at you.

Look, I am not thrashing the entire “no sex before marriage” club. There are a lot of awesome people staying pure and saving it for marriage. My argument is simple, if you have taken a vow of purity, find and date others who hold the same convictions as you. It is wrong to expect someone to change their stance on “sex before marriage” for you. It is also wrong for someone who does not hold the same convictions to place you in a position where you have to struggle and be conflicted by your vows. When it comes to sex before marriage, do not try to get someone to mutate for you.

Let us all be kind and gentle to each other by staying within our respective clubs.

Kwadjo Panyin…