4 Wierd Relationship Problems That Are Completely Normal

1. The exhausting battle of differing ideologies

We can’t all agree on everything, but as the enchantment phase of a new relationship fades, those varying ideologies can become particularly glaring.

“She reads Proust and he watches the Kardashians. Or worse, he wanted Clinton to win and she crows about Trump’s victory. Yes, the second will be much harder to overcome than the first, but relational happiness can prevail,” says Dr. Paul Hokemeyer , a licensed marriage and family therapist.

This headbutting can creep up in varying forms—politics, finances, religion, hobbies, to name a few—and it can be exhausting. Because it’s such a pain point, you may even find yourself constantly circling back to the topic that causes issues.

“The key to working through these differences is focusing on that which you love, and putting boundaries around that which you don’t,” says Dr. Hokemeyer. “You’ll also need to avoid the temptation to demean and humiliate your mate for their beliefs. It will take practice and incredible self-regulation, but success in these areas will greatly enhance the quality of your relationship.”

He adds that differing ideologies can even make a relationship stronger by stimulating you and your partner’s cognitive and emotional connection. It forces you to think outside of your comfort zone, and when you can do so with compassion and genuine curiosity about your partner’s point-of-view, you can mature both as an individual and couple.

2. A sex life in need of resuscitation
Thinking back to you and your partner’s (intoxicating and delicious) first sexual encounters can make you feel like things have really gone downhill in terms of physical connection and romance. The reality is that sex in a long-term relationship has a tendency to become, well, kind of boring. This happens to many couples.

“The truth of the matter is that it’s not the sex that gets boring,” says Dr. Hokemeyer. “It’s that life intervenes and presses out the bliss of sex. Success in dealing with this comes from managing expectations around what fulfilling sex looks like.”

He says that the best way to manage these expectations is to discuss and calibrate new baseline levels of fulfilling sex. It’s also important to get over your shyness in discussing your sexual needs and open an inclusive dialogue with your partner. That means communicating what you’re missing, what you’d like more of, and perhaps even setting aside a concrete time every week to enjoy each other. Dr. Hokemeyer even goes so far as to recommend a sex schedule that involves a once weekly sex date.

“This keeps too much time from passing between sexual interactions,” he explains. “It might not be the most romantic ideal, but it keeps their sex lives lubricated.”

This regimented schedule can eventually spark a more organic sex life, as sexual intimacy naturally brings partners closer together.

3. Feeling disconnected
There are seasons of your relationship when you’ll feel less connected to your partner. Unless it is an ongoing, painful issue that’s never resolved despite your best efforts, a momentary disconnect is normal—not a death signal.

Life happens. We get caught up in deadlines and work projects and extended family drama and extracurricular responsibilities. Sometimes children or work can take precedence over our partner, and sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own personal issues that we don’t remember to ask about our partner’s issues.

It is the responsibility of both partners to work together when this happens.

“It’s an opportunity to talk about what’s going on,” says Dr. Jennifer Howard , a psychotherapist and relationship expert. “When you speak from your heart, it’s a bonding opportunity. It’s a moment to be real with each other. When we’re real with friends, family, partners—anybody—we give them permission to be real, too.”

Sometimes disconnect stems from feeling unheard. Sometimes it stems from not spending enough quality time together. Other times it stems from not speaking each other’s love languages . Whatever it is, make it a priority to figure it out and address it immediately.

If you’re the one feeling disconnected, confront your partner gently. Dr. Howard recommends leading with your feelings, using “When you do X, I feel Y” statements. These statements are less intimidating and therefore less likely to trigger a fight compared to statements that start with an attack. If you’re the one being confronted by a partner who’s feeling disconnected, listen.

“Learn how to be curious and really hear what the other person is saying,” says Dr. Howard. “You’re not just listening to have a comeback or to make your point, but you’re listening and being genuinely curious.”

4. The doubt monster creeps in
Every couple experiences doubt. It is natural, it is unavoidable, it can cycle back more than a few times throughout the course of a healthy relationship, and it’s something you can work through.

“Doubt is the other side of certainty,” says Dr. Linda Carroll , a relationship therapist. “When we fall in love, we see all the best. We are also under one of the strongest chemicals known and it’s as though those brain changes and chemical overflows cause us to see only the best of the other.”

She says that when this “love drug” (otherwise known as oxytocin) wears off after months or years of dating, couples are introduced to the other side of the person they fell in love with.

“I fell in love with my husband because he was so reliable and always did exactly what he said he would, and he fell in love with my spontaneous nature,” says Dr. Carroll. “Then, when we landed in doubt-land, I told him he was rigid, and he said I was impulsive. Same qualities, different lens.”