I Am In Love With Love
Love is an interesting concept, it’s different for different people and often comes in a variety of forms. For the longest time, I have fallen asleep to the idea of a beautiful romance. When I was in the senior high school I used to dream of marrying like those in the movies scampering off to a football field somewhere and kissing in the rain.I dreamed of sitting out under the stars, laying down and sharing a kiss. I made up stories in my head about how my love life would be. My entire life has been full of fantasies and the life of romance that I wanted to live.I always did that. I was always searching for my next person to dream about. That was just my life. I was in a fantasy so deep that at times I felt like it was a safe place to be than reality. I preferred my thoughts. I never paid attention in school. I always let my brain wander to thoughts of falling in love with a girl.What sucked the worst is when I felt I had to come out of all of it. I became bombarded with reality. In reality, girls aren’t what I thought they would be. They left you quickly when they meet MR CASH and always seemed to be working at some sort of backward agenda to get what they want. Money lovers and manipulative is two descriptors I came to know a little too well. My thoughts of love and romance began to dwindle a little as I came out of my land of dreams.I still like to be there. I still like to live among my dreams of happiness and joy, but sometimes it becomes a little difficult when I have to continually awaken to the harshness of reality. As I got older too, I found myself almost gasping for the ability to still dream, like I was losing it. It almost seemed that with my age, my ability to dream was fading from me fast. I wasn’t able to happily fall asleep to my fantasies every night as I once was.
Maybe it was the stress of growing up or depression and anxiety at age 23, but the reality was crushing to me and I was trying my best to hold onto my fantasies as the world ripped them from me.It became evident to me that I like the idea of things. I am a romantic, to be honest. I like the idea of love. I like the concept of love and all the fun perks and bragging rights that come with it. I like the concept of saying “my girlfriend” and my friends asking about her. I like the idea of going out to eat, to movies and live concerts, to bookstores, or cuddling with someone I love.
Maybe I love being in love even though it is a weird concept and I remain uncertain as to if I have ever even fully experienced it yet. I liked imagining me and my partner going to the mall, buying cute gifts for Valentines Day, or posting photos on Instagram. I loved the idea of it all. It all seemed too beautiful.
However, spending time alone and dealing with their personality was a whole other battle I hadn’t really planned on fighting. Knowing them as an individual, arguments, and other things all repeatedly kept happening whenever I tried to get in a relationship. I would bring up investment ideas and they would ask for something else and I would run as far as I could. It wasn’t always me doing the running.
Many times I had people I loved or wanted to make it work with run far away from me and at times we both did a mutual running. I ran my direction and they ran their direction, both of us bolting away from one another.
It wasn’t what I dreamed of when I was younger, falling asleep to the fantasies of professing love to the one I love and being kissed in front of her friends. It was different than all that.
Those thoughts of childhood are innocent dreams that I still hold with me today. I still want very much to believe that there is a love out there. I want to believe that there is someone who is completely sure of who they are and aren’t still trying to figure it out. I want to believe there is someone who won’t ask anything of me and love me wholeheartedly. I want to believe there is someone that lives up to all the fantasies I had when I was young, someone who is literally only interested in happiness and what I want.
Someone who holds my opinions in the highest regards and doesn’t try to push what they want on me. I want to believe there is someone who communicates well, who says what they’re thinking without being hurtful and who works to come to conclusions.I want to believe there is someone to go to out with, eat ice cream with, and share the life I fantasized about when I was younger. I want to believe in the sappy tween movies I watched when I was younger.
I am entranced and sometimes obsessed with posting cute pictures, telling people I have a significant other, and doing all the giving each other cute gifts. I am obsessed with good morning texts and knowing someone loves me. I want to wear jewel around my neck or crystals on a keychain and inform others that the one I love gave them to me.
Perhaps I am just in love with love. I love the concept of having someone and of everyone around me knowing I have someone. I am in love with the appearance of love and how it often makes others respect you more.
Someone would voluntarily spend time with you and decide to love you, thus adding worth to you. I don’t want to add worth. I can do that on my own. What I do want to do is believe that love is alive. I want to believe that the fantasies are real. I want to believe that the stories are true. I want to find someone I am obsessed with and is obsessed with me. I want to further love as so much more than a concept. I want a reality. I am infatuated with a concept. I am in love with love.
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