Childhood Trauma Survivor: Adult Force To Be Reckoned With

"There is nothing left for you back there." Anastasia

There really is nothing left back there for you. Nothing at all. If you've read a lot of my articles. You may have come across my painful childhood story, my hurts and betrayals during university, my losses, and my disappointments after university. The truth is I've been through a lot. So have many, some have experienced worse than mine. Some have never experienced anything too bad.

I know sometimes you feel like life has been unfair to you. If you've had a broken childhood, and then life progressively gets worse. Unfortunately, the statistics stacked against a broken child are not good. Adulthood will be tougher for you. Life isn't and will never be fair. Yet I want to know something it's taken me years to discover. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BACK IN THAT BROKEN CHILDHOOD FOR YOU AND I MEAN IT.

I use to go back and reminisce over what meaningless people did to me. I say meaningless because they didn't leave me with love, they didn't treat me well or didn't recognise my value. The majority of them were children at school. I don't care if you were a child or not it shouldn't have happened. My pain is valid. Let no one adult or child, or former child manipulate you into feeling you owe them something and you have to be understanding of them and reconcile with them to heal. You can heal all by yourself.

You don't need closure and you don't need people who remind you of bad memories in your life. I watched this show once and the host saw this girl had a picture of her bully on her wall and she told her how dare you have a picture of someone who made your life hell in such significance. I'm not a fan of being friends with those who don't value me. It's up to you but when people show you who they are if I were you I would believe them the first time. Some adults did some horrific things to me too. I've decided they are not worth the memory and I've told myself they don't exist to me and never will. They are a bad memory.

You can heal. Remember the love. When I think now back to secondary school. I don't like students. I don't like most of the teachers. They weren't nice to me and I'll choose to know people how I know them. Not what they want me to see them us. They will forever be my abusers. They agree with me you cannot change the past. Unfortunately, the past affects the future. How they treated me in the past is how I will treat them in the present. Like dust. Yet, I remember my two kind English teachers, the kind girl Dania I met in my last year of secondary school. Mr Smith, one of my art teachers and some other teachers.

I remember the love I gave to myself to walk into school everyday and not be defeated. To grow despite people laughing at me and trying to hurt me. To come out more confident, brazen, tough. I remember a 9-16-year-old girl who despite the negative things people did and said about her made it a point to love herself, add more value to herself and eventually decided her haters were useless and wrong. I think if as a child you managed what most adults can't deal with pain, humiliation, bullying and embarrassment and come out stronger. You're a badass and you should be proud of yourself.

A lot of people have called me immature and tried to make me feel bad about myself for not being able to let go of my very painful past. Yet, I see a lot of these loudmouth people crying because they just can't leave the house and their bored in this pandemic. At their big ages. Some people talk a lot of crap. Most of these people who laugh at, bully, and look for ways to undermine people are cowards. Chickens like to talk yet they run at everything. I've been a bad ass since I was nine years old. I'm not going to be belittled by chickens okay. When people can walk out of situations with their head held high like I have or have come out through everything they went through and still stand. They can talk to me. You should feel like a bad ass, walk like a bad ass, because you are a bad ass. Scarred child trying to become a whole adult. You are amazing!

Anyway, what I choose to remember from my childhood is how I survived, thrived, learned to draw boundaries, grew and became a better person. Someone who knew they should love themselves and deserved the world. I hope you in your adult life will learn what I have to only remember the love. There's nothing in the painful bits and useless people. I hope as an adult you go for the best things in life because you deserve it. I don't care what anyone has told you. You deserve it more than anybody! You will find love if you demand it.

Keep going, keep fighting for that better life, a good life you were always supposed to have. You'll enjoy it more because you've suffered before it. You'll be able to handle adult life better because you never were a child. You've been more of an adult than most adults your whole life. You know life isn't a fairytale and you have to fight for the good. The battle is not for the swift, or strong but the ones who endure. Heck, we are the champions in that avenue.

I love we are the champions of the song, especially these lyrics.

I've done my sentence

But committed no crime.....

This line gets me all the time :

I've had my share of sand kicked in my face

But I've come through

We are the champions, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting 'til the end

We are the champions

We are the champions

No time for losers ( I really don't have time at all)

'Cause we are the champions of the world " (Queen)

I know it' s been no bed of roses, no pleasure cruise. However, keep considering it a challenge before the whole human race and determine you ain't gonna lose. I refuse to.

A lot of the chickens think they are strong because they are brutes, step over people, do all sorts of things to undermine, bully and be aggressive to people. That's not strength. Strength is having a sense of self and pushing despite the obstacles to get what you want come hell or high water in a clean manner. It's coming through things with dignity and defiance. And not wasting time on unnecessary things, cheating your way to the top and terrorising, stepping on the rest of the human race and world in the process.

Yours sincerely,

Badass since I was nine.