Teacher, Don’t Teach Me Nonsense: A Satire on the UK’s 100-Year Security Partnership with Ukraine

The British High Commission in Accra, the Ghanaian capital, is nestled among old trees in the city’s prime colonial Ridge Area. The Bolt driver deposited me at the gate and made a hasty departure; signs are everywhere to warn taxis and miscreants to stay away.

I passed through the metal detector gate, was frisked, and a guard deposited me in a tiny room and left. I admired the framed pictures on a wall before the HC spin doctor joined me for the interview.

His job title is Press Secretary—his name is John Whitaker. Tall and gangly with premature baldness, Mr Whitaker walks with a stoop.

Thank you for agreeing to speak with me. Let’s start with the big news: Your Prime Minister recently visited Kiev and signed a 100-year security partnership with Ukraine. He said that it was a century-long commitment! That’s quite something. But before we get into that, let’s discuss the UK’s long-standing beef with Russia. It’s like a Shakespearean drama. From the Crimean War to the Cold War to the tragedy in Ukraine. Why does the UK keep picking fights with Russia, even after the interregnum of fighting side by side against the Nazis?

Whitaker: Well, it’s not about picking fights, per se. His Majesty’s government is about upholding the rules-based international order. Historically, the UK has always been a champion of democracy and freedom. Russia, on the other hand, has a history of, shall we say, “questionable” behavior. Civilized and democratic countries must stand firm against aggression. Throughout its history, the United Kingdom has always stood for democracy, freedom, and—dare I say it—righteousness. This partnership ensures Ukraine has the security and solidarity it needs to face the existential threat posed by Russia. Big countries must not be allowed to swallow smaller ones.

Ah, yes, a nice one - the rules-based international order. The same nebulous and ill-defined order which allowed the British Empire to colonize half the world. But let’s not digress. You mentioned standing firm against aggression. That brings me to the British military. Once the mightiest empire on which the sun never set, but now… well, let’s say the sun sets quite early these days. Can you tell us about the current state of the British military?

The British military remains formidable. We have a proud tradition of excellence and innovation, and our armed forces are among the best-trained in the world.

Really, Sir? Let’s look at the numbers, shall we? According to the latest data I checked, the British Army, with just over 80,000 troops, shrunk to its smallest size since the Napoleonic Wars. The Royal Navy, once the ruler of the seas, now has fewer than 70 ships, many of which are not seaworthy. And the Royal Air Force? Let’s just say they struggle to keep their planes in the air. Your flagship aircraft carrier, HMS Queen Elizabeth, has been plagued with leaks and breakdowns. And let’s not forget the submarines. In 2022, one of your nuclear submarines, HMS Vanguard, had to be towed back to port because it couldn’t move under its own power and was taped over with ducts and things. Is this the “formidable force” you’re talking about?

That is not a fair description of the British Armed Forces. Every military faces challenges. But it’s not just about numbers. It’s about capability, strategy, and partnership. The UK remains a key player in NATO and a leading contributor to global security.

Hmmmm. Fascinating. Your agreement with the Ukrainians reminds me of Fela Kuti’s timeless song, “Teacher, Don’t Teach Me Nonsense.” Perhaps you know it? In the song, Fela points out the hypocrisy of leaders teaching values they don’t practice. It feels oddly apt here. You see, the UK’s “righteousness” always seems to resurface when Russia is involved. Could we begin with a brief history lesson? After all, it’s been quite the beef between you two nations. Has it not?

Ah, Fela! Yes, of course. A legend, though one with, shall we say, particular views on governance and the West. He didn’t appear to like us Europeans too much. If you’re referring to our historic tensions with Russia, you could trace them back to the 19th century’s Great Game. The British Empire and Tsarist Russia were geopolitical rivals in Central Asia, each seeking influence over Afghanistan and India. The two countries quite understand the game.

Thank you very much for that history lesson. And yet, during World War II, you managed to set aside your differences and collaborate to defeat the Nazis. But after the war, it was back to daggers drawn. NATO emerged, and the Cold War turned your rivalry into a global chessboard of proxy conflicts. It’s almost poetic—except it’s not.

Our relationship with Russia has been, ehm, ehm, complicated.

“Complicated”? That’s an understatement, Sir. Britain has had a peculiar obsession with Russia for centuries. And now, here we are - Ukraine caught in the middle while the UK signs security pacts as though it still wields the military might of the British Empire. The agreement your PM signed with the Ukrainians has raised eyebrows. What exactly does a “100-year partnership” entail in this day and age? Shall we talk about that? The Ukrainians have been fighting a brutal war against Russia for close to three years now. They’ve shown incredible resilience and ingenuity on the battlefield.

Meanwhile, the British military hasn’t fought a major war since, like, forever and a half. The last time you tried to project power was in Iraq and Afghanistan; we all know how that turned out. So, my question is: What exactly are you teaching the Ukrainians? How to lose gracefully?

That’s a rather unfair characterization, and it's not exactly charitable. The UK has provided critical support to Ukraine, including training, equipment, and intelligence. Our partnership is about sharing expertise and standing against a common threat from unprovoked Russian aggression.

Sharing expertise? That’s rich. The Ukrainians have been outsmarting the Russians with drones, cyberattacks, and guerrilla tactics. Meanwhile, the British military is still trying to figure out how to keep its ships afloat and its planes flying. Maybe it’s the Ukrainians who should be teaching the UK a thing or two about modern warfare between almost peers. After all, they’ve been fighting a real war, not playing soldiers in some colonial expedition like Britain’s military, which, if the truth be told, is hardly what it used to be.

I must object to that tone. The UK has a long and proud history of military excellence. Our training programs are world-renowned. Many African countries, including Ghana, send their officers to our military academies because they recognize the quality of our military education.

Ah, yes. I must bring Fela’s “Teacher, Don’t Teach Me Nonsense” onboard again. What, apart from colonial mindsets, would make African countries send their officers to Western military academies to learn tactics that are completely irrelevant to the realities of modern warfare? What exactly would African military officers learn from the British army? How to march in formation? How to wear a fancy uniform? Why should African countries continue to waste their money on outdated British military academies?

I assure you that the British Armed Forces remain a formidable military power. The UK’s military academies offer a comprehensive strategy, leadership, and international relations education. It’s not just about tactics. It’s about building partnerships and fostering a shared commitment to global security.

Global security? That’s a laugh, considering what your country and its NATO allies did in Serbia and Libya, to mention just two examples. Everything considered, the only thing we can say the UK is doing is pandering to a sense of nostalgia for an empire that no longer exists. On the other hand, African countries are dealing with real and tangible security challenges like terrorism and insurgencies. Maybe instead of sending officers to your military academies, we in Africa should be investing in our institutions and learning from countries that know how to fight modern wars - like Ukraine and Russia. The two countries have the practical experience that they can offer to African states without the paternalistic lectures we receive from Westerners.

Well, modern warfare is about quality, not quantity. Anyway, I think we’re getting off track. The UK’s partnership with Ukraine is about more than just military training. It’s about standing together for democracy and freedom. It’s about sending a message to Russia that aggression will not be tolerated.

Quality? Let’s talk about that, Sir. The Royal Navy, once the terror of the seas, now operates fewer than 20 frigates and destroyers. And of your two aircraft carriers - HMS Queen Elizabeth and HMS Prince of Wales - one seems to spend more time undergoing repairs than at sea. Ah, yes. It is a good thing to send a message. Nothing says “we mean business” than a 100-year security partnership signed by a country that can’t keep its submarines afloat. Mr Putin and his General staff must be cowering in the Kremlin. Tell me, Sir, do you think Russia is shaking in its boots because of this agreement? Or are they just laughing at the absurdity of it all?

Your putdowns of the British ships are off-marks and are not necessary. Maintenance is a normal part of naval operations.

Maintenance? Ambassador, the Prince of Wales broke down en route to the United States last year, delaying critical joint exercises. And don’t get me started on your submarines. HMS Vanguard—the pride of your Trident nuclear deterrent—was recently revealed to have a backlog of repairs so severe that safety concerns were raised. Well, I must thank you for your time, Sir. It’s been… enlightening. But before we go, let me leave you with a thought. Instead of pretending to be a global superpower, the UK should focus on fixing its problems. And maybe, just maybe, African countries should stop looking to the West for lessons in security and start writing their own playbook.

Let’s not exaggerate. Well, I suppose you’ve made your point - though not without a touch of dramatics. Anyway, it has been wonderful talking to you. Have a nice day.

The UK’s 100-year security partnership with Ukraine is a classic case of a fading empire trying to cling to its former glory. While the British military struggles with outdated equipment, shrinking budgets, and a lack of real combat experience, the Ukrainians have proven themselves to be some of the most effective fighters in the world. Instead of pretending to teach others, perhaps the UK should take a page from Ukraine’s playbook and learn what it means to fight a modern war.

As for African countries, it’s time to stop wasting resources on sending our officers to Sandhurst and other Western military academies that offer little more than colonial nostalgia. The challenges of the 21st century require innovative, homegrown solutions and not outdated tactics from a bygone era.

As the inimitable Fela aptly said, “Teacher, don’t teach me nonsense.” It’s time for us Africans to write our own stories.

(Farmer, Writer, Published Author, Essayist, Polemicist, Satirist, and Social Commentator.)

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