Marriage Is A Scam

I am from a dysfunctional home. I can still see the many gaps this has left on my life. Some wounds were long healed, few still fester, sadly. Because of this background, if there was and is any area of life I'm very particular (perhaps, scared?) about, it is the institution, marriage. I've noticed at a very early age that l learn more about things and people by simply observing them. In essence, I often hear people by what they do not say. So, what I do not learn from my parent's marriage, I have made it a sacred duty to observe and learn from others' if I'm to build an enviable home with my wife someday.

I think this has made me, since my teenage years, to become a secret student to a lot of relationships and marriages, and anytime I have the chance (this article was actually born out of an encounter I had with some married couples in a commercial car about a month ago), I ask married people some deep questions that some of them fumble about or even run away from answering, wittily. Quite understandable.

One lesson, however, stands for me on this unusual adventure of mine. I feel, for whatsoever reasons, most married people are not frank or open enough with the singles, and most singles don't also ask the salient questions that could warrant genuine answers from those who are married – they don't dig deeper to understand the real dealings of relationships / marriage before they jump into it.

In effect, a large number of people enter into marriage with fantasies and unmet childhood expectations or dysfunctionalities. To them, their partners owe them the responsibility to model or reflect these fantasies. To many, the other partner holds the master key to unlock their happiness, sadly, without preparing to be great spouses themselves or even investing in understanding their own responsibilities in the union.

They ignore a lot of red flags while dating or courting, with the hope that marriage will automatically blow these critical danger signs away. Alas, marriage soon opens their eyes, and the realities lead to frustration. For lack of exposure or due to inexperience, ignorance, or desperation, most people interpret their spark, obsession, and infatuation towards a particular individual within certain specified seasons as true love. They got the right attention from the wrong people during their lonely and broken periods and thought they might be the ones.

They rush to marry this person they think they so much love only to discover that what they felt for them was not really love and they end up with a pile of regrets, and in effect, unconsciously despising this innocent soul they have vowed to spend the rest of their lives with — ruining the beauty, fun and companionship marriage was meant to bring. Sad, huh?

Another interesting observation I've made is that most of us are afraid our partners will fail us. This pessimism about the future of the relationship is another destructive phenomenon affecting the bliss and longevity of most relationships. If we believe (or have any reason to believe) our partners will not be as committed or faithful as we would, we begin to look out to our personal interests rather than work for our collective interests, thus acting in ways that ultimately sabotage the relationship and fulfiling our own "unspoken" prophecy in the process.

Simply, we are scared to put both legs in and drink deep. We're in it, but not fully – at least, we must insure ourselves just in case our partner disappoints us. Interestingly, we have two lovers who, instead of working towards their future together, are busily planning and unknowingly working towards its end. Essentially, their fear and pessimism about the future of their relationship becomes both self-fulfiling and self-perpetuating.

Society hasn't been helpful either. It mostly sugar-coats success in general, for that matter, marriage in particular. I believe it should be a sacred mission of every single person who desires a great marriage life to scrape off these societal sugarcoats, dig deeper beyond the superficials and, together with their partners, find or agree on ways of sugarcoating their relationships and ultimately, marriages. If they don't, they'd soon find out that no two relationships or marriages work the same – and that what works for partners A might destroy partners B. We must work in love to find the unique formula that works best for our respective relationships.

You'll learn so much about your partner in marriage. There are things about your partner you can't discover until you marry them. They say love is blind and marriage is certainly the eye opener. But at least, while still single, you have the chance to seek the right counsels and accept those uncomfortable truths about marriage from the right people and sources. You still have that rare opportunity as a single person to destroy some fantasies you have about marriage, work on your character, develop yourself, discover your reason for being, and build a solid foundation before you finally decide to enter into such an awesome and yet, very complex institution.

Success in general is hard work, more so, success in marriage! A lot of marriages are suffocating and are only surviving on a thin string of hope. Divorce or separation rates, as well as the level of dissatisfaction or regrets in most marriages, are scary. It appears most married couples simply tolerating and enduring each other. Marriage is a beautiful thing, I believe, because whatever that's instituted by God ought not to bring headaches if it's done right. However, some people's undoing was marriage – they were happily doing well as singles until they married. And of course, some people's lives have seen tremendous progress, serenity, and happiness because they got married!

This doesn't mean the right preparation and mindset will eliminate all the challenges others face in their relationships or marriages from yours. The right preparation, knowledge, and mindset, however, will act as a shock-absorber and position you to better address those challenges with a more positive approach when they eventually show up. You have the chance, if you're still single, to prepare and start it right. Many people met their true partners when they were already married to the wrong one, sadly! Selah. This is one of the worst tragedies that can befall you – to meet your true spouse when you're already married.....to the wrong one!

The reason I have observed for this rather sad reality is simple: many people marry too early. "Too early" here doesn't necessarily mean age. What I meant is, too many people marry before they have a firm grasp on who they are or what they want out of life. They choose their partners based on their present conditions rather than on their visions for the future and the possibilities of tomorrow. Another threatening error is when one of the spouses would choose to grow or develop themselves at the expense of the other – creating a huge social and cognitive gap between themselves.

In effect, as they progress in their marriages and careers, when life favours them and they get into a great future, or when they get stuck momentarily by life's vicissitudes, they realise they're carrying the wrong partner along. They begin to take interest in people who match their energies and vibes at those new frequencies of success or challenges – further deepening the gap between them and their spouses.

When you know yourself and where you want to be, even at age 20, you are good to marry. But if you don't know yourself, and have no clear picture of where you desire to be and willing to work towards, then, you have no business to even think of dating anyone, even if you're 60.

Marriage is one of the most impactful decisions you will ever make. What this means is you must first learn about yourself – your strengths, weaknesses, and even your tendencies, before you jump into it. Don't be so anxious for marriage that you ignore the most important job – building yourself up. While you wait or search for the right partner, keep building your financial, emotional, character, intellectual, professional and spiritual muscles. These would be the ions that will bind your marriage together.

An elderly man once told me, "Elorm, a good person may not necessarily be the right partner for you but the right partner would always be a good person for you." Hold on. Go back and read that again, slowly. Stop rushing; sloooooowlyyyy, I said. Sloooooowlyyyy! Now, think about it.

Look around you. Are there not several pieces of evidence to prove this? Many people have met equally good people, fell in love with them, and got married. Unfortunately, these "good people" are not the right partners for them, and not only their marriages, but their respective lives, have since been a total mess because though they love each other, they would soon understand that love and being a good person alone are not sufficient basis for marriage.

You're the greatest of all jokers if you assume couples only break apart because one or both of them are bad people. Two very awesome individuals draw apart too, sadly!! This has become a puzzle I believe most divorced people or those whose marriages are on the verge of collapse are still trying to solve — that, the love they once shared, suddenly morphed each of them into a monster, and blinding them to the good they once saw in each other — and, their home that was once a place of haven is wrecked into hell!

You must understand that there's no perfect marriage or even relationships. At the heart of the marriages that work are simply two imperfect individuals who are committed to strive toward perfection. And oh, the best way to avoid marrying an abusive, toxic, manipulative, inconsiderate, unsupportive, unfaithful, devious, insidious, unambitious, selfish, and egotistical partner is never to marry them in the first place. But how can you know if they have these tendencies if you don't carefully put in measures to have a thorough, thoughtful and emotion-free experience of your potential spouse's character and personality in a variety of circumstances.

Before you enter into it, you must understand that marriage isn't a child's play. It is hardwork, responsibility, forgiveness, compromise, love, grace, wisdom, discipline and sacrifice — and a lot more. Most importantly, know that love (whatever you define it to be) alone is not enough. You must not only marry for love – we are fashioned to marry for three things: for God, for Kingdom and for Purpose – because it takes these three components to keep producing that eternal fountain of love that will keep nourishing and adding vitality to your marriage through all the changing seasons of your union.

A lot of people have ignored these crucial realities only to enter into marriage and later conclude, marriage is a scam. They have several expectations of each other which they never communicate — this later becomes a fertile ground for instability and unhappiness if these unknown expectations are unmet by their partners. Yes, marriage can be a lot of things but it certainly isn't a scam because it's God's idea.

You'll do a great deal of favour to yourself as an unmarried person to prepare, engage, watch and pray, and yield to the help of God, the One who knows the future and sees the heart and secret intentions of all men, to guide you. And should you miss this rare chance to start it right and are later tempted to join the masses to also sing the "Marriage is a scam" chorus, at least, your own conscience will scream back at you, saying: "Shut up! You're the scam. You had all the chances to start it right, but you chose to allow your emotions, ignorance, and desperation to overshadow your reasoning."

Good luck to all the singles as you make that crucial choice of a life partner. May we allow God to use our relationships as a model and an epitome of hope to those who are despondent about true love and the marriage institution. May we enjoy our marriages and not endure them. And to anyone reading this whose marriage is only surviving on a thin layer of hope, remember God still performs miracles. May the One who brings freshness out of dryness come through for you and revive your marriage with some freshness.

There's a Hero in you; unleash it!