The Red Flags: How Deep Should They Be?

A “Red Flag”, in various fields of life like sports, road traffic, and sailing, it is literally used as danger, warning or stop signal, or metaphorically, a sign of a particular problem requiring attention.

In relationships, The Red Flags are indicators that there might be trouble ahead in the relationship and so something needs to be questioned and or validated. They are the subtle signals that show either early or later in the relationship that make you feel insecure and think twice about your partner, and to reconsider whether to keep on with the relationship. These signs are very good intuitive images to help you process what you are really feeling and thinking.

Here are some Red Flags to look out for:
1. Ineffective Communication
Communication is very key and vital in every good relationship. Like fuel to a vehicle, it is the lifeblood of a relationship. However, when your partner or both of you find it difficult and unwilling to talk through issues, express how you feel, and not able to listen to each other’s points of view, but resort to the “silent treatment”, then you should be concerned.

2. Mistrust
Trust cannot be compromised in relationships. There are people who are not honest even to themselves. They lack integrity and cannot hold themselves accountable for their actions. They cheat, tend to avoid you and show behaviours that are suspicious such that they even hide or excuse themselves to receive phone calls. True, every partner has a right to privacy, but some people are out-and-out liars who seem to purposefully keep secrets from you, and sure, there might be so much they are hiding from you. These are obvious red flags.

3. Irresponsibility
To be irresponsible is to be immature. None of us have our lives fully together, but there are people who cannot just manage their life – finances, work, and plans for the future – and they will always give excuse as to why they can’t solve their problems. These people are never ever ready to take responsibility. They cannot help you in any way.

4. Significant Number of Family and Friends Don’t Like Them

One sign that shows you might be in a bad relationship is when a significant number of your family and friends have concerns about your beloved. It is a good thing to refrain from believing everything “negative” people say about your partner. But if family and friends who are so close to you and know you so well and may “see things more clearly from the outside” are all criticizing and raising concerns, at the very least, be concerned and hear them out!

5. Disrespect for the Family and Other People

When your significant other treats you so well but is mean to other people, especially their family, don’t ever be happy thinking they love you and you are so special. That is who they are. This is a glaring sign and an alarm bell of how they will treat you once you are married to them.

6. Abusive and Controlling Behaviour, and Always Crossing Boundaries

There are people who want to control where you go and who you associate with, and even manipulate you to choose between them and your family and friends as a prove of their (and your) “love”. That is jealousy! This can generate into abuse – verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical. These people will always want to test and cross your boundaries and not respect you. This is unhealthy and destructive for you. It’s not just a red flag, but a huge red banner. Run away!

7. Compares You with Others, Including their Previous Partner

You are unique and totally different from everyone. But if your partner doesn’t appreciate this uniqueness and always compares you with their ex or someone they might be so fixated on, such that they constantly wish you were “someone else”, then you should advice yourself.

8. Blames Everyone but Themselves
When people tend to put blame on others for a failed relationship or venture, badmouthing and being overly critical about previous partners and everyone they have ever had an encounter with, you can bet that the same thing will happen to your relationship. They are indirectly telling you that they cannot be responsible for anything that will go wrong in the relationship, they are not ready to accept any blame, they can’t resolve conflicts, and you are totally responsible to make the relationship work. It is a red flag to be wary of.

9. They Have a Hard Time Apologizing
Partners will often offend themselves, and both lovers should be able to accept blame and apologize to bring the relationship back on track. However, if your partner will always not admit their wrong and apologize, that could put a strain on the relationship. It is a bad sign.

10. Selfishness
One clear red flag in a relationship is when your partner has a massive sense of entitlement. Everything of the relationship is about them. They are not concerned or don’t care about you, but only about themselves. This is a clear sign for you to quit the relationship.

How Deep should be the Red Flags?
It is important to note that whilst some of the red flags are very clear, some might not be obvious, and it can take some time for them to be noticed. However, pay attention and don’t be “blinded by love” to ignore them.

No one is perfect. We all have flaws and weakness, and your partner is going to have some that you wouldn’t like. If you think the relationship is worth keeping, take the initiative (and prudently seek a counselor) to talk to your partner about these red flags identified. If they are willing to change and improve, good! However, if they get defensive and are not willing to work them out, then you ignore them at your own peril!

Aptly, Proverbs 27:12 [NLT] states that “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences”.

Fact is that those signs, if ignored, will become “ghosts” to haunt you in the marriage. Those who ignore the warning sign prompting them of the broken bridge ahead will surely go down into the ditch. In the end, they would say, “they told me in the beginning, but I just didn’t listen”; “I saw it, but I neglected it”. Had I known …