Letter From The President: Not so fast, RM

Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents, join me in thanking the German Chancellor for his magnanimous endorsement of my candidature. I don’t know why he wants me to be re-elected to occupy the Black Star Stool. Perhaps he just wanted to cheer me up after he noticed that I was not in the least enthused by his inability to communicate with me in English. I am told that the man speaks some English but he chose to speak to me through an interpreter. It didn’t make for convivial presidential discourse at all. Simply put, I was very bored and, at the Banquet Hall, I couldn’t help but allow my eyes to feast on some of the beautiful women who accompanied the Chancellor. So I was almost taken unawares when Herr Shroeder made it known that he would like to see me occupying the Black Star Stool for four more years. You see, even the Chancellor has felt the effects of the excellent presidential touches I have introduced in the affairs of our country and he would like to see the continuity of the change (positive or negative, depending on where you stand). I was basking in the superiority complex triggered by the Chancellor’s endorsement when I heard the news that a young, ‘too-known’ computer scientist had decided to join the race for the Black Star Stool. I think this young man made some money from slaving his life away in the Bushman’s country and he’s run out of ideas about how to spend it. So he’s decided to try his luck by running for the Black Star Stool. I am very sorry for him and I wish he could change his mind. Don’t get me wrong. I am not afraid of him and I know I will beat him fairly and squarely in any political arena. I just think that as young as he is, he should not set his sights so high. If he wants to be a major political player in the country, he should first start in the minor league. He could have gone to contest for an assemblyman’s seat in a district assembly first. After serving in the assembly for about four years, he would be mature enough to go to parliament for Speaker Ala to scream at him for about eight years. Being in a district assembly or parliament would have afforded my young friend an opportunity to exercise his political muscles for a shot at the Excellent One’s Office. Now I think he is simply not fit - he is just a small chicken who is straining his sinews to crow like a mature cock. Reading the news reports on RM’s press conference, I get the impression that RM has lost touch with reality and if he intends to go ahead and run for the presidency with me, I will advise him to draw up a more original manifesto. The draft manifesto he presented at his press conference, which is also posted on his website, is too corny. He wants to create five million jobs in three years? This was my line in 2000, remember? Some people were taken in by my promise to create thousands of jobs and they voted for me. Since I ascended the Black Star Stool, I have done all I can to create jobs and in almost four years, I have not been able to create one million jobs. I have instituted special programmes, known as the Presidential Special Initiatives – for cassava, palm oil, textile, salt, etc. – yet I have not been able to create as many jobs as I promised. And Ghanaians are not happy, accusing me of failing to fulfill my promises. So I think RM should know that disenchanted Ghanaians will not take anyone who promises to create five million jobs seriously – unless that person produces evidence that even before he mounted the political platform he had registered at least 5000 companies, which will each employ about 5000 people. RM has also made it clear that he will not have anything to do with the Bretton Woods Institutions. I don’t remember saying something like that when I went campaigning the other time. But I’ve heard a lot of politicians saying that they will not work with the likes of the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund. I think we should pass a law to disqualify anyone who is not willing to work with the Bretton Woods Institutions from contesting for the highest office of the land. Even the Bushman works with the IMF and the World Bank. Looking at the help the multilateral financial institutions have offered us in the past two decades, such as taking us to HIPC, I think that anyone who vows not to work with them should be seen as not only a political novice but also as an economic ignoramus. If RM comes anywhere near you and promises that he will not work with the IMF ask him if he has any plans to rule the country with a budget. If he answers ‘yes’ ask him who will draw that budget for him. I also heard RM promising to make our educational sector the best in the world by 2008. Now, that’s a promise I wouldn’t dare make because I can’t fulfill it by any stretch of my imagination. Do you think that anyone can easily make our country’s educational system the best in the world? Well, take a risk and vote for that person. Our educational system is in such a bad shape now that anyone who tries so hard to correct it could end up destroying it completely. Don’t mind anyone who promises to turn the University of Ghana into an Ivy League institution. One last issue RM raised which I find almost commendable is his dislike for mosquitoes. He hates mosquitoes so much so that he has promised to “go after them” like no one has ever done in this country. Looking at the malaria statistics in the country, I think we need someone as young and energetic as RM to “go after” the mosquitoes. I guess this is the job he really wants – not the presidency. If he decides to abandon his presidential ambitions, at least for now, and invest his money in my campaign, I could make him my Minister for Mosquito Eradication. If RM doesn’t heed my advice and dares to enter the political arena with me, I am afraid, he will end up a very miserable man. Ghanaians will not take him serious and instead of chasing mosquitoes, he will be chased around by his bankers. Tootsie Goosie has not stopped running since 2000. Excellently yours, J. A. Fukuor [email protected]