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22.11.2008 Feature Article

Do you fear for your relationship?

In a significant proportion of relationships, partners live in pain and almost lifeless relation¬ships. They live in fear instead of love.

Why fear in your relationship?

Fear is a protective mechanism of the unconscious mind. For example, if your partner reacts in an unhealthy manner you may defend yourself by a wrong strategy. This may lead both of you to destructive dance and then finally to an emotional prison.

Some partners don't reveal their true selves before getting serious.

They live a lie to cover up their past and worry that one day everything covered will be brought to light and destroy their relationship.

Some fear to commit because they may lose their identity, free¬dom, resources and self-esteem, Men are known to fear long-term relationships. A whisper of mar¬riage may sound like a thunder to some men especially when, they see bad signals in the relationship.

Some partners have either seen 'their close relatives or themselves in previous bad relationships. They fear they could see same hurts and abuses.

Some partners build their rela¬tionships on temporary and physi¬cal things like money, fame, power beauty. As these possessions dwindle they have nothing to hold to and worry about the future of their relationship.

Effect of fear

Fear in relationships come in different colours. These include fear of rejection, inadequacy, abandonment, disconnection and separation. The greatest is the fear of failure. A lover who has invested a great deal of resources into a rela¬tionship may fear nothing may come out of it.

In all types of fear, a partner wants something to feel successful. This breeds total dependency because he sees his partner as both the problem and solution. You want him to understand and act the way you want. You don't get it so you feel unwanted and abandoned, helpless, controlled and taken advantage of. Some feel insignificant, disrespect¬ed, misunderstood, humiliated and ignored.

Fear impacts negatively on the quality of your life. It causes panic attacks. Some have shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat and over¬all feeling of tiredness.

Fear is a killer. Studies show that majority of people die not out of their ailments but out of fear of dying. A lover living with fear is unable to concentrate. This comes at great cost to his career, school performance and other relationships.

Fear will prevent you from committing to each other. You can't trust your lover. Fear kills every area of your life because it destroys your motivation and self-esteem. It paralyses your heart and kills true love before it is born. It is the beginning of an end of a relationship. No doubt the Good Book has enough verses to warn us each day of the year against fear. .

How to overcome fear

If you are living in fear of your relationship you are not alone because all relationships are scary and have high failure rate. Sometimes it is only after you get into a serious relationship that you see the magnitude of your load. The good news, however, is that all fear can be overcome.

Find out what you are afraid of and its effects in worse possible scenario on your relationship.

Address your fear. Regain your emotions to developing a positive mental attitude and listing all you can do to improve your situation. Put the focus on you and believe that it takes only you to make a difference.

Talk it-over with your lover. Confess your fear and your desire to work things out. Your problem could be due to impatience, immaturity, unrealistic expectations and poor communication.

Cope with what you can't change especially where your partner fails to meet your emotional needs. Count your blessings and play down on your emotions. Accept that no relationship is perfect. You can't have it all. The fact that you have problems does not mean there is something wrong in your relationship. Conflicts are part of all relationships and you must use them as an opportunity to show true love and grow your relationship.

God created us for relationships and calls us to depend on Him. Fear comes only when you lose your faith in God and find your lover or anything else is not enough to help you overcome your difficulty.

God says He will never leave you or forsake you. He says he has not given you a spirit of fear but boldness. Let go all fear. Never fear the terror of the night nor the arrow that flies by day in your relationship because, He is your helper. Because He lives in you, you can face tomorrow. He holds your future and will make your life worth living because He lives in you.

True love needs your open heart.

If your heart is not open even the most suitable partner will not be good enough for you. If you want true and fulfilling relationship, then let go fear because true love and fear can't live in the same heart.

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MyjoyOnline, © 2008

This author has authored 338 publications on Modern Ghana. Author column: myjoyonline

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