Leaked! President Jonathan's Speech On The Nation And Bloody Immigration Exercise

Feature Article Leaked! President Jonathan's Speech On The Nation And Bloody Immigration Exercise

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin. If That Ever Happens, It's Only Because Something Happened During The Interview That Got Me Going, And Then I Had To Translate My Feelings To The Mouth Of The Character-Stephen Colbert

Fellow Countrymen, I stand before you on this solemn occasion to make this short speech because of the current challenges we face as a nation. You will recall that I was supposed to travel to Canada for a bilateral agreement, but I had to postpone the trip to address the problems at home. As a nation with various tribes; I cannot ignore the fact that we are different in our ideologies, but united by a common purpose for a visible transformation; which is what my administration has brought to Nigerians.

Under my administration which the Finance Minister can attest to; we have been able to provide 1.5 million jobs which have been able to curb unemployment to the barest minimum. It is this administration that has been able to make various ministries who use to make billions from employment to start making nothing. The facts are there. In the just concluded Nigerian Immigration Service (NIS) Exercise; we are proud to say that unlike in the past regimes where millions of Nigerians apply for the few vacancies advertised for, this one had only 5,200 Nigerians who applied according to the statistics provided by the Minister for Interior, Abba Moro, which of course was generated to him from the application database. For a job well done, we will be decorating the Minister with the award of the Commander of the Federal Republic (CFR) while the Immigration Comptroller General, Paradang will be decorated with the award of the Commander of the Order of the Niger (CON).This is our pride; this is our achievement, the reduction of those applying for Civil Service jobs.

While we make progress in the area of unemployment, you will recall that our close neighboring country, where Nigerians rush to send their wards to also had their Immigration Exercise screening. I need not tell you what happened as the pictures of over 20 dead citizens are all over the internet for the world to see their shame. Such cannot happen in my regime. If I was their President, I will tell them that we are currently in an age where unemployment is rampant and we cannot run away from it, since it's a global issue and we have to take our share. Thereafter I will set up a committee nationwide to carry out a detailed investigation and bring to book those who stepped on those stampeded citizens. But unfortunately I am not their President and can't do so.

Fellow Nigerians, in the past few weeks that I sacked the Central Bank of Nigeria Governor (CBN), you will notice that the Naira has risen in value compared to the dollars. For those of you who are constantly receiving money through Western Union, you will attest to these facts. Even though the CBN Governor raised alarm that $20 billion were missing from NNPC, this administration has been able to counter such lies by making sure that instead of the missing money affecting fuel supply; Nigeria now has excess of petrol in all fuel station nationwide. This is attestable in Abuja, where my convoy went to queue for fuel and saw only 5 vehicles in a whole NNPC fuel station. This is the transformation we are talking about, which is evident in the lives of all Nigerians. Though reports getting to me from few states indicates that there are no fuels in some filling stations; I can tell you that it is the work of my political enemies, who have diverted the fuel, so as to paint this administration in a bad light. We will bring them to book, no matter the political party they belong.

Compatriots, our resolve to win the war against terrorism is yielding great results already, as our joint military men have been able to pursue the insurgents very far from our coast. Since the beginning of this year, we are proud to count as part of our achievements that there have been no bombing in any part of the country, neither has there been shooting done anywhere near our barracks. Our Military men according to security information given to me were able to foil an attempt by the terrorists, who had planned to kill 49 innocent Students. I have directed the State governor to give me the list of the 49 students who were to be killed for the Federal Government Scholarships. For those whose names were not marked to be killed by them; they should wait for it to happen and get theirs.

My administration has put in place all the necessary tools to curb corruption as well as reduced the overhead budget. It is for such reasons that most of the delegates for the CONFAB are not happy with me. My love for our nation will never allow me to spend our commonwealth on few individuals, who wanted us to pay them the sum of N10 million for each of the three months they will be sitting to discuss the future of our nation. My insistence on paying N12 million to each of them for the three months is my commitment to seeing that no Nigeria benefits unnecessarily from your Sovereign wealth. If I don't do it, who will? To all those criticizing the selection of the delegates, especially my friend, Fejiro who called it a CONFAB of CONMEN, may I let you all know that most of the delegates who have criminal cases have been granted state pardon, and if their contribution will bring a better Nigeria, my administration will not overlook them.

I am not unmindful of the current challenges we face in the health sector and the constant demand for the sack of the Health Minister, Prof. Onyebuchi Chukwu. I do not claim ignorance of the various media write-ups and reports, especially by one of my constant critics, Fejiro Oliver, who has become the advocate for the Health Sector. Still yet, I do not feign pretense to know that the health sector is currently in shambles and a far cry from the glorious days of the 80s when Eyitayo Lambo led the sector. Dear compatriots, I can assure you that all will soon be over, as I have consistently directed the Minister to implement all the NIC rulings, but for some reasons, I have not written to him, but tonight, I will. I regret all the deaths that happened during the infamous JOHESU strike of August last year. My heartfelt sympathy and condolence reach out to all those who lost their loved ones during the strike. Such will never happen again. Never shall our citizens be sacrificed on the altars of Industrial actions. I can assure you that the days of such Minister will be numbered should it ever happen again. It is my avowed belief that no one in the health sector is lord over the other, neither is it a jungle where there is a lion who is king.

Fellow Nigerians, your welfare is my concern and you well being the paramount job of this administration. This is why quickly paid attention to the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) industrial action, by approving their request for funds. While some have criticized this administration lackadaisical attitude to her polytechnics counterpart, ASUP; I regret to say that this administration is not a friend of such kind of institutions. We are breeding world class graduates who can compete in the global village, and this can only be found in the Universities. Our administrations reject failure; hence we reject Polytechnics which is only an option for those who failed to gain admission into the Universities. We have zero tolerance for those failed to secure admission to the real Ivory Tower. To this end, this administration pleads with all the polytechnic lecturers to go back to the classroom and give us time to consider them in our budget and scheme of things.

On the issue of the Centenary awards which has generated controversy because of some names which the committee inputted; can any of the past leaders boast of a clean sheet? Even in this administration, was $20 billion not declared missing, yet we know that no court of law has declared anyone a thief over it? Did any court of law declare General Sani Abacha a thief that he is not fit to be a centenary awardee? Nigeria is a country where rumors thrive and become truth overtime. Until I became President; I thought that all the Abacha was said to have done were truth, but now that I am one; I know that he is a saint compared to some of our past leaders, even me, and even those to come. Let him who has not sinned cast the first stone.

To all those heating up the political sector, I urge you all to have the fear of God by not instigating the people against the government. I do not own Nigeria, but the people do. I have always said that my ambition is not worth anyone's blood and I have not reneged on that statement. The era of politics captured with blood should be completely jettisoned. The Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) still remains the party to beat and the only party who can and has brought development to the common man. The opposition should go beyond using PDP as a yardstick for their performance and come out with their own ideologies. The PDP states you will agree with me are better governed that the opposition states. Do we compare Edo State to Delta, Abia State to Imo, Akwa Ibom State to Lagos or Plateau to Nasarawa? The evidences are clear and distinct. Nigerians be the judge.

As 2015 elections draws closer and Nigerians daily ask if I will run for the Presidency. May I use this moment to declare that I never signed any pact with anyone, either the Governor's forum or any past presidents that I will run for one term. As a man of my words, I challenge anyone to produce such documents with my signature on it and let the world see it or they forever hold their peace. The Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) has not declared the race open yet, but to stop all the speculations about my ambition; Yes, I will run for the 2015 presidency under the umbrella of the PDP as their consensus candidate. God willing, my wife, Mama Peace will also be running for the post of the House of Representative, under the banner of the PDP so as to give women the legislative might to achieve their 35 % in appointments.

Fellow Nigerians, our identity as a nation must not be killed by our individual differences or political leanings. We owe it our generation to keep Nigeria as one indivisible nation, and this is what my administration has sworn to keep.

God Bless you all!!!

God Bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria!!!!!

This work is a satire 'The purpose of satire has been rightly stated as to strip off the veneer of comforting illusion and cosy half truth, and our job, as I see it, is to put it back again! (Michael Flanders)

These little things matter...

Fejiro Oliver, a Journalist and Media Consultant can be reached on [email protected] and +2348026797588 (sms only please). Follow on twitter @fejirooliver86 and Facebook; fejirooliver86. Like our Facebook page - secretsreporters

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