A Letter To WhatsApp’s CEO

Dear CEO,

I trust you are fine. I know you are a busy man and I tried to keep this letter simple but I guess I have a lot to share with you. I write to request if you could add a 'group-request' feature to WhatsApp. This feature can enable any potential member of any group to accept a request from the group's administrator prior to his or her addition. This should be done in such a way that an individual can have access to the group's menu, view the members and have a clue about the kind of things being discussed on the group's platform before he or she decides to accept or decline the group membership request.

Please, this request is so dear to me and I know it will come as a relief to most people too, as some of the groups (infact, most of the groups) are such a great nuisance. I use an android phone and you know android phones and their battery wahalas. Besides, I am in Ghana and in case you've not heard yet; one of the challenges we are currently battling with is dumsor. And if I must sacrifice my battery's life for anything, it certainly should not be on any 'useless' group.

I know you might be wondering why I won't just exit myself from the groups in question. Well, if you must know; that's an option I have exploited severally and the results I got was one of these:

• the administrator would send a private message (and sometimes some members of those groups) demanding rather rudely to know why I have exited his or her group as if I'm placed on a salary for being a member. Or am I missing something? Do you pay the administrators some allowance?
• chaai! As for some of the administrators, they are stubborn papaa!! It doesn't matter the number of times you exit, they will add you back 'by-force.' Their groups can be likened to what they say in my local dialect, ewe: 'hlormade kotoku, ekpakpla ha d)e, emakpla makpla ha d)e.' (please don't ask me for the meaning). And finally,
• some of the administrators kuraa, I don't even know the perfect adjective to use to describe their attitude; you become their enemy for a very long time, if not forever, if you dare exit their groups. Please, I have lost a couple of dear friends and acquaintances and I can't afford to lose more.

So you see why it will be best when I have to access the group first to inform my decision of either joining it or otherwise?

Ooh, you think I should ignore their messages huh? Am I not human? I beg, you can ask Adam and Eve. Infact, the comments and the emoticons used by my co-labourers in the vineyard to express what's transpiring in the groups are more tempting than the apple in the middle of the Garden of Eden. My ears inside fi dey jorm me too muuuch; and besides, who won't be tempted regardless of how hard they try not to, to atleast take a glance at the conversation going on when everybody is posting 'hahahaha,' 'lol,' lmao,' 'lmfao,'? Are you asking your secretary for the meaning of those terms? Amega, I learnt the meanings the hard way and I think you should too. Could you imagine when I asked people for the meaning of those words which I was later told are shortcuts, they gave me a countenance that made me looked foolish and too 'colo?' And I bet you, there are much more shortcuts being used these days and being business minded like you, I'm considering writing a book: 'My Social-Media Shortcuts,' I go make money rough J

Mr. CEO, if I don't hear from you anytime soon, I will partner a geek in programming to fast-follow your WhatsApp and include this special feature to ours. I can assure you, we will dominate the market because I share in the sentiments of other WhatsApp users. We will call our app: _*****, tweaa, you think I will tell you, you better take my request seriously or you will hear from us sooner.

This is a bit personal but I need to know: do you also spend so much time on WhatsApp and other social media platforms like we do? Why do I want to know? In my part of world, WhatsApp and other social media apps are being overused and misused. Well, so I think. But here are my reasons: communication which is the bedrock of every relationship is being sacrificed on the altars of social media. Parents, children, couples, siblings and friends would rather chat with some façade entity on their phones than have a quality vis-à-vis conversation with one another. And many relationships have suffered or are suffering because of this and the victims are ignorant about it. Employees would rather chat on WhatsApp than work and even if they're working they hardly take their minds off the number of messages they're missing and this is hugely affecting productivity in many sectors. So I need you to tell us how you use the social media so we can also learn from you. (Maybe, I will add a user manual to my app, in case you decline on my earliest request, hahahaa)

Ahaaa, lest I forget, can you also add the 'like,' 'unlike' and 'comment' feature? I think some profile pictures and statuses need to be unlike and commented on. Just imagine the profile picture of a lady almost naked with her exposed 'twin-towers' as tall as the Eiffel tower in the heart of Paris and her lips as juicy as a freshly tapped palm-wine from Adaklu in the Volta region of Ghana. Tell me, which man won't pick quarrel with his wife or shout at his child when any of them dare awake him prematurely from the lands of fantasies as he secretly stares at such yummy profile pictures with an equally luring status: 'want to have me for dinner?' Of course the old-man wants her for dinner! Some sense needs to be popped into the brains of the owners of such pictures and statuses, don't you think? They need to receive a feedback on their attacks on the innocent men including the Pope. And again, if you don't consider this, remember, my app is in the offing and I wouldn't want us to get to that extreme because you've been my 'personal-person' and helped me kept in touch with families and friends – home and abroad and also helped me to secretly monitor some people at virtually no cost. So you see, I wouldn't want to take your customers from you because I know I'm talking for the masses. Together we can save a marriage or family from collapsing with just the 'unlike' and 'comment' features.

But my guy, you know I must charge you for this consultancy work and advice right? But since you are a seasoned entrepreneur, I know you will send me a cheque when you have fully incorporated these requests into WhatsApp and the dollars starts flowing wawawaa.

Yours Ever Faithful and Concerned WhatsApp-User,

Elorm Hermann.

NB: I case you don't understand any word, phrase or clause used in this letter; contact your brother Larry Page. I was told he's been bragging in town that his son, Google, knows everything.

Author: Elorm Apediavu Hermann
[email protected]
+233249177007