Infidelity In Relationship

By the time I finally gathered my thoughts together to write this piece, I had counted 17 email messages and three phone calls in reaction to my article of last week. I had written on the mad rush for DNA tests by some men to authenticate paternity of children being “forced” on them by some women.

The Daily Graphic also published one letter in the course of last week from a reader expressing his views on the arguments put across in my said article.

And thanks to Dr Ken Frimpong, Founder of Scientellect Company Limited, Ghana and West Africa’s first private DNA Laboratory who read my article and liked the social morale that I put across. Going forward, he hoped that the views I brought out would inform the work of practitioners of DNA Sciences.

I have been encouraged by all the responses I have so far received in the past week. They are the highest record of responses received since I started this column over two years ago. The feedbacks are always helpful.

My take however, on the comments received in relation to my article last week is that people do read their newspapers. Not only that, three of the email messages I received were from Ghanaians living abroad. Our folks out there are in touch with home news too.

I want to thank all those who gave me feed back on the DNA article and indeed, all those who have regularly read me and continue to send me comments. All of you give me inspiration to continue writing and the urge to also bring out some of the social issues that have bedevilled us for public discourse.

Out of the responses I received, about 85 percent of them came from men. It did not surprise me. Out of this number, 95% told me about their own personal experiences with unfaithful relationships in which they ended up as the cheated ones.

While they worked assiduously to concretise the relationships in which they found themselves, these women were secretly seeing other men. In some instances, the men said their women gave their babies away to other men, while some said their women named them as “responsible” for other men’s babies.

One man admitted in his email message saying that: “Just like the men, some of our ladies are playing around.” He continued, “I will go for a paternity test if I have reason to suspect that I am not the biological father of my wife’s baby.”

“If the results prove me right, I’ll continue to love and provide for my “child” but will definitely not hesitate in sending my wife away.” Indeed, a couple of the men said they continued to look after their “children” even after it was established that their women cheated on them.

In the email messages I received from the women, one lady said that her husband wanted an excuse to walk out of the marriage because of another woman he was dating and so he continues to insist that the baby she had some ten months earlier was somebody else’s and that he had proof to confirm that.

The woman said the husband is terrorising her to death yet there is no truth in his claim.

As I reflected on the reactions so far received from those men and women both here in Ghana and outside Ghana, to my article on DNA test, I established one thing. The common thread that runs through all those responses is INFIDELITY IN RELATIONSHIPS.

I am convinced that it is a truism, very much alive and it is breaking relationships even though some are able to put the pieces together again.

The case of infidelity in some married men, whether in polygamous or monogamous marriages, are mountain high and it cuts across borders making it almost universal. It is happening amongst men in high profile positions and others lower down on the social ladder.

There have been controversial cases around the world where high profile personalities have had to resign their jobs to save them from media embarrassments in cases related to infidelity.

The fact is that irrespective of the social class, some men are serial cheaters. Their actions are causing much turmoil in their marriages. In some cases, the cheating reduces the marriage to rubbles, shattering trust, creating a breeding ground for insecurity, mistrust and resentment.

On the other hand, however, if as many as 600 men are having to rush within a short period to get DNA tests done to prove paternity of children being “forced” on them, then the impression is that some women are beginning to cheat in their relationships as well.

Though there is no scientific basis to prove this here in Ghana, elsewhere, available statistics on the frequency of marital infidelity put out by an expert, Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, estimates that 60% of husbands and 40% of wives will have an affair at some point in their marriage.

Infidelity can be painful and devastating no matter who the betrayed is, so what is driving some men and women to cheat on their spouses or partners?

Experts have put some of the root causes of infidelity in marriage to unrealistic expectations about marriage, curiosity, loss of a sense of fun and excitement in the marriage, boredom with the marriage or relationship, lack of communication and the motivation to solve problems together.

According to a specialist, both women and men look for different things when they get involved in extra marital affairs. While women may look for emotional involvement when they cheat on their husbands, men’s cheating may involve satisfying a physical need.

Whatever the “driving” force, it is needless to say that infidelity brings anger, tears and sometimes depression. Sometimes too, the feeling is one of shame, embarrassment, mistrust, hurt and resentment.

At least, some of the messages I received attest to that. But some of those who have travelled that unfortunate path believe that when you work hard at it, a marriage that has suffered a betrayal can survive. Indeed, family therapists believe that infidelity is not a death sentence.

Though painful and shattering, infidelity in marriages can be healed, they are indeed treatable, even though the progress to recovery can be slow.

On the other hand, however, some relationships are not meant to be saved and there is good reason for that. The bitterness, fear, anger, the hurt, the humiliation, as well as the emotional pain all leave the pieces so badly broken that it becomes difficult to piece them together. There simply is no light in sight at the end of the tunnel for such relationships.

For some of the examples cited in the emails that I received, the hurt and the anger is so much so that the cheated said they will do anything to bring the relationship to a closure, hence their belief in the push for DNA tests.

Certainly, marriage, as an institution, is loosing its sacrosanctity, especially where it is wading into the realms of a game of “tit for tat” and giving in to vengeance. The underdogs are no other than the children of such relationships.

That is what we seem to be brushing over. How can they forgive us if we ruin their future simply for our selfish interests and desires? Can couples forgive infidelity for the sake of the children? It may be hard but certainly not impossible.