Fufu Diatribe and Angry African Woman

You came round to eat my yam (fufu)
Then you came again to eat my banku (maize pasta)
But today, you must prostrate
And pay homage,
I have daubed my body with sweet-scented cocoa cream,

I have smeared some parts with natural shea butter,

And I have also dusted my pudendum with
Bint-el-Sudan talcum powder,
For Friday evening special effect,
On Saturday, I prefer scintillating aroma,
Of Town Hall or Saturday Night talcum vintage,
Yes, I am ready for those who pay,
They get the password to the secret gate,
They obtain discounts and a good bargain,
Good customer, call again,
When it comes to money-minting, I don’t segregate

You came to suck succulent breasts,
You came to steal sweet kisses,
But today you must pay,
Or else you will eat cold banku and fufu nkisa,
With maggot-infested bearded meat,
Net even cold matoke leftovers for you,
If you want fresh hot sadza (nshima)
Or hot yummy pounded yam with
Ogbono or Egusi soup and bitter leaf,
Stuffed with chunks of Isi Ewu (goat meat),
Or do you prefer Ugali, Joloff rice, Jambalaya or Couscous,

Then you must go on all fours,
And pay really big!
Nshima and sadza are not for free,
Nor is Pounded Yam or Fufu,
Or any of the African dishes,
In a credit crunch period,
The Naira is expensive to mint,
And the Cedi depreciation is faster than Usain Bolt,

Or the famous sea current, Humbolt,
Yet I’m reasonable enough to know,
You don’t vomit cash,
But understand, I have endless needs to
Keep the good sexy looks and be dapper,
Besides, I need insurance for old age!
I run risk of female diseases
Like cervical cancer, Obstetric
Fistula, and cancer of the breast,
Just as you men suffer prostate cancer,
And urinary retention,
I detest men with stingy arms,
I abhor mean men with stony hearts,
If you come again without a loaded purse,
I shall incant on you a secret curse,
I will crush your nostrils in bed,
With my helluva surplus breasts,
To cause asphyxia!
I will yank your silly Willy from between your legs,

I will dump your tuxedo, shoes and pants,
In the dirty running kitchen sink,
Or into the dirty dish water in the nearby ditch,
I’ll act like a proper witch and bitch,
Then give you a forensic frisk over,
When I’ve crooned you to a deep sleep
In your dead drunken stupor,
Then you will trudge home half-awake and naked,
Through the village thoroughfare,
In your bare birthday suit,
In the wee hours of a cold Monday morning!
Indeed, I hate yam-eaters, who don’t pay,
Or who pay skimpingly,
I scorn fufu-swallowers, who don’t stay,
These are the Casanova candidates for castration,
They cannot work on my cassava,
They behave like hit-and-run minibuses,
Those ply and fly in the streets ofAccra,
Or like the Okada and Molue mad drivers of Lagos,
Or like the lawless Trotro drivers in Kokomlemle in Accra,

Or like the flying squad Matatus in Kampala or Nairobi,

They are all the same everywhere in Africa,
They are greedy money prostitutes,
They cram the buses to the brim,
What a grim experience for commuters!
Hmm, life for prostitutes, commuters and bus
Drivers is always on a slim knife’s edge,
Hey fella, yam and Fufu are staple foods,
They must be eaten always fresh and hot,
If you come again and you don’t pay,
I will chase you with a fufu-pounding pestle,
To inflict you a mortal wound,
I will slosh you with a stinking week-old
Urine of mine, specially brewed for the purpose,
I will pepper-bomb your eyes with alligator chilli,

I will put sand in your gari,
I will hang a bell around your neck,
To alert the village womenfolk,
Remember, sex doesn’t come cheap these days!
Its price is directly proportional to inflation,
And inversely to economic crunch and the intensity
Of the sex drive waxing hot between your thighs!
In this age and time, stick to one woman,
One man, one fufu mortar!
Multiple sex partners is costly and a nightmare,
It breeds wahala,
Sex maniacs and serial sexists,
Go home to roost,
One woman is more than enough for life,
Is that your bona-fide wedded wife?
Stick to her, she will serve you yummy fluffy fufu
All the time
With varied stylized soups to the bargain!
(Modified from the book Mosi O Tunya Sounds © 2009 by the author)