Kofi Dubai Calls For Calm: Ghana, Moontie!

Dear Country-Folks,
It has been a while since I wrote you one of my Presidential Letters. As you know, I have been rather busy on the Campaign Trail.

But to tell you the truth, Dear Country-folks, the part of the Campaign Trail that you see is actually the fun part for me. It is that part of the Campaign Trail which is less visible to you that keeps me real busy. As you know, there are other things that win an election for a candidate, especially one whose performance has been terrifyingly “dumsoric”, not to mention “tekperic”.

So I have had to do other things to crank up the electoral machine. Well, not exactly “do other things” but you might say playing “see no evil, hear no evil”. Well, talking of evils, one of the evils that formed part of the cranking of the electoral machine is what has become infamously associated with the hallowed phrase “MUNTIE”. Muntie means “listen, you all” in the Akan language.

So Dear Country Folks, Muntie (listen, you all).
The Opanas in the rival Party are getting rather too resurgent for my liking. So it became necessary for my Team to apply some “buga” methods. Babies-With-Sharp-Teeth for Hire, a growing industry, were hired to come in and be the face, well, more appropriately, mouth of a dirty, smear campaign on the Opanas of the rival party. Their terms of reference were strictly to focus on the Opanas I keep mentioning. We felt that such a measure was necessary to counter some other radio stations that have not yet fallen under my spell.

But somehow, it seems the “gbeshies” of these specially hired, babies-with-sharp-teeth were more stubborn than most. After enjoying the Presidential pat and wink, they felt invisible. They felt super human.

But I blame myself. I will explain why I blame myself. This is a no-holds barred revelation not unlike the no-holds barred revelation by Kofi Boom of a special multi-million dollar-laden suitcase flown into Ghana, courtesy of the butcherman of West Africa...Abacha.

I am sure you remember when I expressed disgust about the WhatsUp comments of a certain Auntie B who hitherto was unknown to the average Ghanaian. This Auntie B who I helped make famous is supposedly based in the UK. Auntie B went on an insulting spree on WhatsUp. Her target were some personalities in the Opana Party. For political expediency, I gave publicity to a WhatsUp comment that most Ghanaians were unaware of.

Muntie Radio, a creation of senior members of my Party, provided a platform for almost daily insults and threats on the Ghana airwaves against my opponents. I saw no evil, I heard no evil. The insults escalated into death threats and veiled rape threats targeted at no mean personalities than Supreme Court Justices. Still, I kept quiet. The Police, the Attorney General, and the BNI were all waiting for me to give the cue. I failed to give the cue. Or more accurately, they took my failure to give the cue as the cue.

The Supreme Court has acted. And rather justly and timely, I might add. To say that my Party folks are furious would be an understatement. They would like me to pardon the incarcerated babies-with-sharp-teeth immediately.

In a sense, I feel responsible for all this wahala. My “see no evil, hear no evil” attitude, and my unbridled quest to maintain power at all cost has brought this about. So I feel that I must pardon. But until then, I call for calm.

Ghana, Muntie.
Your “incompetency”
President Kofi Dubai
Gilbert Adu Gyimah
[email protected]
Alberta, Canada