A Youth Living for The Wrong Audience: Abilolo's Random Musings!

A friend came to mind today. So did our very last conversation, re-echo so loud I got the why's of everything. You know how we receive the meaning of things? Well, that's a thing for people who are alive - not a subject for today.

You see friends, some will say there is no point explaining but I believe I really need to pen the following lingering thoughts off my chest for some illumination and maybe some exhortation!

This is about a subject that sits at the very core of our growth as humans in social circles: the ability to see beyond our own reflection.

It is the subtle art of outgrowing the race. You know, the one where everyone strives to run side-by-side, secretly hoping the other would trip? Knowing there is so much space for everyone to shine, I find it quite a strange phenomenon as I behold often, of human connection that gets me thinking and I feel compelled to share it with you today. This is an account of moments you realize that not everyone clapping for you is happy to see you cross the finish line, perhaps!

By now, if you have followed my journey, you would have noticed my worldview is anchored in the temporary nature of this life. I mention worldview to precede this observation just to take first responsibility. Hence I do not in all reasonableness, expect the world or circles I walk, to adapt, at my coming. That would be very selfish of me. I see us all as sojourners, which naturally steers me toward enduring wisdom of God's words revealed in various experiences or in prints, and the calming energy of oaks! I speak of men and women who have already weathered real storms in this life and are able and willing to direct the young and ready. Indeed, I spend quality time with older folks especially in my young-adult life and it probably is the best path life so far has put me on. This is a conscious choice. But life has a way of bringing the past back into your present, often wrapped in a lesson you never asked for.

As the memory of this old schoolmate hit me like a wave, it brought into sharp focus why I often find myself at odds with the mentality of my peers. I could say the same story is true in most young circles I have tried to entertain; often of silent struggles, misunderstood intentions, and the exhausting reality of people who seek validation and constantly measure their success by the yardstick of those around them. I am careful however, to resist the temptation to call it envy, as that would be too crude.

In our parts where opportunities are rarely served on a silver platter to young people, and one must be favored in their struggles to find a way, I realize that sometimes, in the midst of my peers, I feel misunderstood; as though my aspirations are seen as unrealistic, and my optimism quietly resisted rather than encouraged. Naturally, I do not accept tones of impossibilities even if latent and so I walk out of any associations that only contend with my desires for good, rather than nurture and build them.

Now the more reason I am writing is because of this mate who came to mind. This was someone I shared mutual respect with, until we lost touch after school. He called me one day quite distraught for help I couldn't provide because I genuinely didn't have. At the time, I was deep into some unthinkable crisis with my Freight Company but typically of me, I didn't give him any hint what situation I found myself in. Only Bobo and a few close associates knew of my sleepless nights dealing with very unreasonable drivers who brought me debts and stomach ulcers!

We seldom had any chats or calls after school until that day he called for help. Years passed and I thought this mate and I were ok as we all went about our private lives until he reached out and told me he was now in some Army somewhere abroad and I was genuinely happy for him. I'm just keeping the country concealed. Anyway, we reconnected along the line with occasional chats and video calls. He would hop onto my Tiktok live and seemed to show particular interest in my politics and life. He told me he lost his mum and would be coming for the funeral. This was around the time we were busy campaigning yet I remember I accepted his invitation to pass by to mourn with him if my schedules allowed me. In fact, he kept suggesting I should visit him someday since he had made it; a kind gesture that made me promise to pick him up from the airport when he touched down for the funeral.

But unknown to me, my good friend had been harboring bitterness for me because to him, in his trying moments, I couldn't help him. All the manifest nice conversations and overly friendliness he reached out with, was to find a way to prove a point to me that even though I did not help him, he made it. Eeii! But who said I didn't want him to make it?

Now, maybe we can walk in his shoes for a moment. Have you ever been desperate? Have you ever needed help so badly that the silence from the other end felt like a personal attack? He was young, he was hurting, and he was desperate. In that state, the human mind does not look for context; it looks for validation. It looks for someone to blame because blaming circumstances feels too helpless. He needed someone to be responsible for his pain, and in his limited field of vision, I became that person.

Desperate times really make a man myopic! These are times that shrink the world down to the size of a person's suffering. My friend could not see that I was fighting my own war because he was drowning in his own. He could not imagine that the man he thought had resources was actually dealing with some crisis! He didn't know because I didn't show him, and he didn't ask. He just assumed. And assumptions as they say, are the lowest form of reasoning!

Now here is the part that truly breaks my heart: he has been living all his life to prove a point to Abilolo! Who doesn't matter and shouldn't matter in his life! Merely because at his trying moments, when I was equally dealing with my own headaches, I couldn't help.

Look, we need to stop living our lives to prove points to people who may not even notice, or worse, who genuinely do not care. Imagine the energy, the sleepless nights, the relentless pursuit of validation, all directed toward someone who was merely surviving his own storm. While he was out there working himself out of those depressive moments, joining an Army, building a career, climbing mountains just to look back and say, "See? I made it without you," I was just living my life, unaware that I was even a character in his story.

This is the tragedy of the young mind. We measure ourselves by the people we came up with. We look at their progress and feel we are lagging. We look at their silence and feel slighted. We turn every relationship into a scoreboard and interaction into a transaction. We forget that every single person on this earth is fighting a battle we know nothing about.

Perhaps the scriptures describe this situation with my colleagues better:

2 Corinthians 10:12
For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

We need to develop into the humans we are meant to become?

We must first cultivate empathy. When someone does not come through for you, before you write a story of betrayal in your heart, pause and ask: what might they be going through? Their silence may be survival. Their "no" may be a season of lack they are too proud to show you. Make excuses for others. Give them the grace you would want for yourself in your lowest moment.

Second, we must stop using other people as our measuring rods. Your journey is yours. The man you are trying to prove a point to, may not even be watching. And even if he is, his opinion is not the fuel that should power your destiny. Run your race for yourself, for your Creator, for the generation coming behind you, but never run it just to shove it in someone's face.

And finally, we must learn to communicate. If I had told my friend back then, "Brother, I am drowning too, I have nothing to give," maybe he would have believed and today the story would be different. But my silence became a monster in his mind. We owe each other honesty wrapped in love. We owe each other the truth of our struggles so that the enemy of assumption does not build walls between us.

As I go through life, I get these shocks from my younger mates a lot. They go about with all manner of erroneous assumptions and make funny conclusions thereof. But I am learning to forgive them, and to forgive myself. We are all just growing. Frankly, we are all just trying to find our footing on this slippery soil of life.

So finally, be admonished! Look beyond your selfish needs. Your journey is unique, your struggles are valid, and your success is not a zero-sum game. The person you think has wronged you may be the very person fighting tears to sleep at night. Joe Mettle has a song; "Me Hia Wo Yesu," and to date, I am unable to listen to it because that was my companion every night while I endured the storm of a crushing business! We all need to be gracious! Make excuses for others!

And for your own sake, stop living to prove a point to people who are too busy fighting their own battles to even notice you are fighting yours!

It takes Kindness! It takes Patience! Let's be human!