People Want To Belong. People Want To Be Loved. People Want To Matter.

Individuals desire significance. What does that mean? I like the following dictionary definition: “the quality of being worthy of attention.”

From the second a baby is born, he needs attention from adults. An infant needs emotional connection, not just protection and food. Human beings begin their search for significance at birth.

A child needs at least one person in his life who treats him like he matters; someone who gives him unconditional love. This doesn’t mean a parent doesn’t discipline a child. Children need fair, firm, and sometimes, flexible discipline. But, a child needs a home where she is accepted and forgiveness; valued and loved; recognized and cherished.

During adolescence, teens begin to search for significance outside the home, but they still need to feel significant inside the home. A secure foundation of unconditional belonging in the family helps youth when they seek out an individual identity with peers—a natural developmental stage.

Young adults search for significance with a partner. They want to matter to another human being, apart from family, friends, and acquaintances. The longing to be important to another is salient.

Robert McGee's best-selling book, The Search for Significance (2003), guided readers to learn to not base self-worth on accomplishments or the opinions of others. The Search for Significance Student Edition by McGee helps teens to stop looking in all the wrong places for affirmation and affection and experience the truth about self-worth.

The purpose of his books:
1. Identify and understand the search for significance.

2. Recognize and challenge inadequate answers.
3. Apply God’s solutions to your search for significance.

The Developmental Assets® are 40 research-based, positive experiences and qualities (ages 3 years through 18 years) that influence young people’s development, helping them become caring, responsible, and productive adults. Being and feeling significant is necessary. www.searchinstitute.org .

Human rights solidify significance. “Human rights are standards that allow all people to live with dignity, freedom, equality, justice, and peace. Every person has these rights simply because they are human beings. They are guaranteed to everyone without distinction of any kind, such as race, color, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth, or other status. Human rights are essential to the full development of individuals and communities…Finally, by guaranteeing life, liberty, equality, and security, human rights protect people against abuse by those who are more powerful.” www.theadvocatesforhumanrights.org/ .

However, many individuals want to feel relevant to everyone they meet. And that makes a proverbial people-pleaser. We cannot be all things, to all people, all the time—not possible.

Social media fans become obsessed with “Likes” and thumbs-up symbols. Wanting to be liked by others is a natural desire of humans, but when rejections cause tailspins—it’s time to disengage with technology and revisit the meaning of self-worthiness and significance.

Cyberbulling plays havoc with one’s self-worth. Online name-calling, insults, rumors, shaming, blaming, and lies can have serious emotional consequences for our kids and teens. Adults can be affected as well.

The most common places where cyberbullying occurs are:

1. Social Media, such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter

2. SMS (Short Message Service) also known as Text Message sent through devices

3. Instant Message (via devices, email provider services, apps, and social media messaging features)

4. Email
www.stopbullying.gov .
We create meaning and purpose in our own lives by honoring and valuing the significance of others. And that means we also value ourselves. A lot of what I do in counseling with clients is to help them dislodge self-despising and feelings of unworthiness, toxic guilt, and shame. Healthy love and acceptance of self is not arrogance or conceit.

“When we talk about having a life of significance and meaning, it's not about fame or money or resources. It's about people and lives and hearts. That's my biggest passion in life.” That’s what Tim Tebow, a two-time national college football champion, says. And I adore his encouraging and inspiring books.

Melissa Martin, Ph.D, is an author, columnist, educator, and therapist. She resides in the U.S. www.melissamartinchildrensauthor.com .