Marriage Is Not the Problem: The Character We Bring Into It

Marriage is a good institution. For those who understand it as a covenant established by God, it is not something to be blamed whenever a relationship fails. Marriage provides companionship, family, responsibility, protection, stability, and a foundation upon which a family can be built.

The difficulty is that a good institution does not automatically produce good outcomes when the people entering it are unwilling or unprepared to live according to the responsibilities it requires.

The problem, therefore, is often not marriage itself.

It is the character we bring into marriage.

Consider a student who passes through a university without acquiring the knowledge, discipline, skills, or qualification expected from the program. It would be unreasonable to conclude that the university is useless simply because one student failed to benefit from it. The student's attitude, discipline, commitment, preparation, and willingness to learn would also have to be considered.

Marriage can be viewed in much the same way. It provides the structure, but the people within that structure must possess the maturity, honesty, discipline, responsibility, and commitment necessary to make the relationship work.

A good woman can leave a relationship that genuinely cannot work and eventually build a healthy relationship with a good man. A good man can do the same with a good woman. A failed relationship does not automatically mean that the institution of marriage has failed. Sometimes, the relationship failed because the people involved were incompatible, unprepared, dishonest, irresponsible, abusive, or unwilling to fulfil the responsibilities the relationship required.

The Danger of Outside Attention
One of the greatest tests of a committed relationship is not whether other people find you attractive. They will.

A married man may attract other women, just as a married woman may attract other men. The existence of attention outside the relationship is not itself the problem.

What you do with that attention is the test.

Some people become fascinated by outside attention because it makes them feel desired, powerful, appreciated, or valuable. The danger begins when that attention becomes an excuse for betrayal.

A person may enter an outside relationship believing that the other individual genuinely wants them. Yet there is an important distinction between wanting someone and being prepared to take responsibility for them.

Someone may gladly meet a married person because the relationship involves limited availability and limited responsibility. They may enjoy the secrecy, excitement, emotional intimacy, or sexual access without having to carry the responsibilities of that person's life.

But once the marriage ends and the person becomes completely available, the circumstances can change.

The individual who was enthusiastic about having a part of that person may suddenly become reluctant to take responsibility for all of them. The meetings become less frequent. The promises become uncertain. The excitement disappears. What appeared to be a relationship may be revealed as nothing more than an appetite for access.

This is one of the hardest lessons people can learn:

Access is not commitment.
Attention is not responsibility.
Desire is not covenant.
Attraction is not preparation for marriage.

Do Not Confuse Being Wanted With Being Valued

A person can be wanted sexually without being valued relationally.

A person can be admired without being respected.

A person can be pursued without being chosen.

A person can receive enormous attention from someone who has no intention of building a life with them.

For this reason, outside attention should never become the primary measurement of personal worth.

Your value does not increase because many people want access to you. Neither does your value decrease because someone refuses to take responsibility for you.

The mature question is not simply who wants you.

It is who is prepared to build with you.

That distinction can prevent enormous emotional and relational damage.

Do Not Abandon One Relationship Merely for the Promise of Another

There are legitimate reasons to leave a marriage. Abuse, persistent betrayal, abandonment, destructive incompatibility, and other serious circumstances may make separation necessary.

But leaving a relationship simply because another person appears more exciting, wealthier, more attentive, or more sexually attractive is a different matter.

Before abandoning a committed relationship for another person, character must be examined.

Who is this person?
How do they behave under pressure?
How do they treat people who cannot benefit them?

How do they handle responsibility?
How faithful are they when nobody is watching?

Do they actually want marriage, or do they only want access?

These questions are more important than chemistry.

The grass often looks greener from a distance because distance hides the work required to maintain it.

Build Your Value Instead of Chasing Someone Else's Lifestyle

Another destructive pattern occurs when people conclude that their partner is inadequate simply because that partner cannot provide the lifestyle they desire.

There is nothing wrong with having aspirations. There is nothing wrong with wanting financial stability, comfort, growth, or a better standard of living.

But there is a difference between building a better life and expecting another person to become the solution to a lifestyle you have not built for yourself.

If you desire a particular standard of living, develop the skills, discipline, education, financial intelligence, business capacity, and character necessary to contribute toward that life.

Do not automatically assume that another person owes you the lifestyle you imagine.

And do not destroy a relationship merely because someone else appears to possess greater financial resources.

Money can improve circumstances.
It cannot manufacture character.
The Importance of Honest Communication

Many relationship problems could be reduced if people were honest before entering marriage.

Couples should discuss what they want from life and from each other. They should discuss children, finances, sexuality, faith, family responsibilities, careers, where they intend to live, responsibilities within the home, fidelity, boundaries, and their expectations for the future.

When two people genuinely want different things and cannot reconcile those differences, there is dignity in acknowledging the incompatibility before marriage.

What is destructive is concealing one's real intentions, entering marriage under false pretences, and later blaming the institution when the concealed expectations eventually emerge.

That is not a failure of marriage.
It is a failure of honesty.
Character Travels With You
Perhaps one of the most important principles in relationships is this:

Changing partners does not automatically change character.

If a person enters one relationship with dishonesty, entitlement, infidelity, manipulation, irresponsibility, selfishness, or an inability to communicate, those qualities do not disappear simply because the partner changes.

A person may leave one marriage and enter another.

But they take themselves with them.
A new partner may initially see only the attractive side of a person's character. Eventually, however, character tends to reveal itself through pressure, responsibility, disappointment, temptation, conflict, and time.

This is why the solution to a disappointing relationship is not always another relationship.

Sometimes the first responsibility is personal development.

Sometimes it is healing.
Sometimes it is accountability.
Sometimes it is learning how to communicate.

Sometimes it is developing financial responsibility.

Sometimes it is confronting selfishness.

And sometimes it is becoming the person capable of sustaining the relationship one claims to desire.

Love Requires More Than Emotion
Christian teaching places extraordinary importance on love. Jesus identifies love for God and love for one's neighbor as central commandments:

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind."
— Matthew 22:37

He then places love for one's neighbor alongside it (Matthew 22:38–40).

Paul further describes love as patient, kind, humble, enduring, truthful, and resistant to selfishness (1 Corinthians 13:4–7).

This understanding of love goes far beyond romantic emotion.

Love requires conduct.
It requires restraint.
It requires truth.
It requires responsibility.
It requires the ability to consider another person's wellbeing rather than treating that person merely as a source of pleasure, money, status, attention, or emotional gratification.

When genuine love is repeatedly sabotaged through deception and betrayal, the damage can extend beyond the immediate relationship. Trust is damaged. Families are affected. Children may be affected. Future relationships may inherit wounds created by previous ones.

And this should be reduced to the fact that when you intentionally destroys a genuine relationship, it can be easy find one.

Love is an energy. You cannot destroy it. Simply because you are jealous of it. It wont find you again!

Marriage Deserves Better Than Our Excuses

Marriage should not become the scapegoat for every failed relationship.

When people enter marriage without preparation, honesty, self-control, communication, responsibility, and genuine commitment, the institution may eventually be blamed for consequences produced by human choices.

Marriage is not perfect because human beings are not perfect. But the imperfections of human beings should not be confused with the purpose of the institution.

If you are married, work on what can be repaired.

Communicate.
Tell the truth.
Set boundaries.
Seek wise counsel when necessary.
Take responsibility for your own failures.

And where a relationship can no longer continue, deal with that reality honestly rather than maintaining a secret parallel relationship.

If you are not yet married, do not choose a partner merely because that person makes you feel desired.

Study character.
Study responsibility.
Study consistency.
Study how they treat people.
Study how they respond to pressure.
Study what they do when they do not get what they want.

Marriage does not magically transform character.

It reveals character under responsibility.

The institution may provide the foundation, but the people must build the house.

Marriage is not the problem.
What we bring into it can be.
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