Stop abusing women part 2. Ghanafour Hw3: It's never ok to hit us.

Their stories below will leave you in tears, let's support our domestic violence victims and stop telling them to go back to their abusers.

Those who say it's the woman's fault:
"Did you talk back,
Disrespecting a man,
Not paying dues to submit
Makes him hit.
Did you deny him sex?
Ofcourse,
You will will be raped,
He owns you,
Make him love you,
Or else,
He has every right to discipline you.
Women obey,
Men instruct,
Don't get it wrong,
Or scars will remind you,
To not turn your back,
You're African go back to your husband.
Boys and men will hit,
If you don't act like a woman." ( Tuntum Nahana Akosua)

How some of the women speak to themselves.
"It's me,
I provoked him,
I
I
I
Did something,
That's why he hurt me,
My family and friends say,
Speak and invite unwanted guests,
Shame your man,
What about your children?
I love him,
He needs me,
He'll change,
I go round and round,
In my voice,
In theirs,
In his,
I hear I will change." ( Tuntum Nahana Akosua)
Domestic violence victims can be male or female. However today since females experience it the most, they take the spotlight. The focus will be on physical abuse. Domestic violence happens globally, not just in Ghana. However, I believe that each country may have some cultural constructs, that can be manipulated into making domestic violence seem okay.

Unfortunately many view a woman being disrespectful to her husband, talking back, or not participating in her wifely duties provokes a man to hit her. The idea is naturally the man cannot help himself, when a woman is not behaving appropriately she must be disciplined so she can know who the man is in the relationship. For men with fragile egos a woman disagreeing with them, and not submitting is the ultimate insult. She must be punished for them to regain their manhood- they feel physically superior and manly then.

It's sad the women are abused by these men, are told by family and friends to go back and behave. To treat him nicely so the man will love her more and he has no excuse to hit her. The idea is she must be getting on his nerves, or causing the problem, therefore she must find a way to subdue him. If she's married to the man, divorce just over beatings is frowned upon, if she does her part, prays and fasts the man will likely change.

Though an abuser who gets away with abuse is unlikely to. Some women blame themselves or if they are well educated and in a high position, they are ashamed they are letting a man beat them. Some women believe it's culture, some saw their fathers beat their mothers and think it's normal. The truth is women of all classes, and different age ranges can experience domestic abuse.

These stories are heartbreaking, hopefully they encourage you to fight against domestic violence. Victims are anonymous for their protection.

" I was in my last year of university, the fling I had with a boy I had a thing for, went sour. A former friend suggested a friend of hers. He was handsome, tall, muscly and fair coloured with dimples. Just my type, I also thought he work for a major technical company. Come to find out he use to be a criminal who sold narcotics, and had just got out of jail a couple of months before, for assault. Nevertheless my small brain did not see the danger I was in. He said he had changed, he went to church regularly and had a legal job now.

We started dating. He would threaten to come to campus and beat me up. Talk about how he found other girls more attractive than me. He played with a knife around me to scare me.

One day he slapped me and started punching me, then he forcibly kissed me. Once inside a public shop he slapped me repeatedly, no one in the store asked if I was ok or tried to stop him. I hit him in the cheek with a mineral drink plastic bottle, then his slapping continued even when I was paying for the goods.

Then he slapped me before I got the bus. Sometimes he would call on video call and hide himself so he could watch me and who I was with. He would always want to see if I was talking to other boys. One day he said I was an ashawo, though I was talking to no other guys, and he didn't want to be with me. God saved my life. I didn't want to dump him incase he got revenge." ( Woman 1)

"I met him in Ghana on holiday, I was living abroad, he had a girlfriend but said loved me and dumped her. Now I think he used me to come abroad. We got married and had beautiful children. Even before my children, I was being beaten. He beat me throughout all my pregnancies.

I'm talking serious punches, kicks, you name it. He beat me so bad my next door neighbours would often hear the commotion, and try and calm him down. The neighbours would often tell me to leave him. But the Ghanaians around me would always tell me to endure and be better. I know some of them gossip about me saying it's because I'm lazy, I don't clean my house properly and don't do my wifely duties. Apparently I also have a sharp tongue.

I know he will beat me if I talk back.
But am I suppose to be mute for the rest of my life, even if something upsets me. All couples argue. Sometimes he even holds my neck and bangs my head on the wall. Once I called the police because of that, but took back my statement. One day my mother came to visit. He beat me till my fair coloured cheek turned purple and I had a huge bruise. My face was permanent damaged, I called the police out of fear, he told the police me and my mother were hitting him and he acted in self defence.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and see my once beautiful face he destroyed and I'm saddened. I use to be so vibrant, tough and full of life. In secondary school in Ghana, they would say girl way ye wild. Now look at me. I look ugly and worn out, I don't know who I am, all I want to do is have the wild girl back." (Woman 2)

" I'm his last wife, many came before me and they bore children. I was saddled with looking after. I have children of my own for him. He beat me yes, often. He feels he is the man, and any disrespect I give to his authority he beats me. I'm soft hearted and he takes advantage of this. I must bow to his whims. Everyone thinks he is an outstanding man but I know different. One of his ex wives beat me in a public location, she still loves him and saw me as the competition she had to exterminate.

Her daughter with him came to live with us, I had to take care of her. Imagine my pain, but I had to set it aside because I love God and treat her like my own. Even though she was extremely disrespectful to me, thank God now she's older she respects me. His other daughters also treated me like dirt. The older one use to beat me as well just like her father, we were all under the same roof.

I still for the love of God and my husband, treated them like my own. Now the older one has children, who I care for as if they are my grandchildren. I've never had an apology from any of them. I was born into poverty and my husband gave me a good life. Therefore I felt like I owed him, but now I'm older I'm learning to stand up for myself. I have threatened to leave, yet he begs me to stay. Our family and friends do too. I'm confused about what I should do. " ( Woman 3).

No woman or man deserves this. When it happened to Afia Schwarzenegger and Vicky Zugah people were celebrating, because apparently, they don't behave like "women." Women deserving of care, that's the narrative unknowingly giving to women who face domestic violence. If they were better women, pining for their mates love it wouldn't happen. Yet, nobody has the right to hurt another, if it's not in self defence, because they don't bow to their wishes. Let the stories make you see the victims are human, all women regardless of what they do; are women worthy of love, respect and all things a human deserves.

Stay tuned for stop abusing women part 3
By Tuntum Nahana Akosua