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04.03.2015 Feature Article

How to kiss a girl in 3 minutes

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She was the most annoying girl I had ever met. I found her to be too vain of her beauty; the way she walked, the way she talked, the way she made other girls feel intimidated! Oh my God! I don't know what I liked about that girl except for that her sexy little mouth of hers. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen!

I used to have wet dreams about me kissing her on the moon. At times, I would dream about her pressing her flat chest on my bony chest with my hands over her back like a grand piano. Certain times, I would dream about kissing and licking all her crimson lipstick like a harmonica. The wildest wet dream I had was when she served me with breakfast and held the spoon in between her lips and used it to stir my Lipton. That morning, I woke up and I had to throw my boxer shorts away. That girl is a "thing" of the devil! I can't believe she made me spend all my monthly allowance on underwear. Seriously, who does that?

The year was 2005 and I had heard about the "all knowing" internet and what it had in stock for me. That day, I run out of the boarding house to ask the internet "how to kiss Miss Stepsons." So I took a car to downtown and entered an internet café. I asked the attendant "Can you please ask the computer how I can make Miss Stepsons fall in love with me?" He looked at me with a what-do-you-mean kind of look. I smiled and I repeated the question again.

He told me to sit down and pay some amount of money, which I gladly did. He sat beside me and typed something on the keyboard. The screen went white and I saw "Google". He got up and told me to type the question I wanted the computer to answer for me and went to attend to other people. You see -- there are things words cannot describe and one of them is how I typed "How to kiss Miss Stepson in 3 minutes". Every touch on the keyboard was filled with excitement because I knew I had found the right cure for my problem.

I called the attendant again and he showed me how i could open a hyperlink and read what was in there. For thirty minutes, I sat there reading avalanche of articles of how to "hit" on a girl. So I stood up and went back to school with all the excitement within me. I was going to kiss Miss Stepsons and no one was going to stop me.

It was a Friday and when the bell had ran for breakfast, I quickly went out to stand on the walkway. There, I saw Miss Stepsons cat walking! She had painted her lips with heavy lip gloss. She looked helplessly romantic, I just couldn't wait to "drink" all the lip gloss on her lips. She neared me.

"Hello bitch, can I talk to you for a minute."
She looked at me with a weird expression which bespoke confusion. Indeed, the internet is all-knowing!

"Are you talking to me!"
The internet is a good psychologist! She indeed knew what Miss Stepsons was going say.

"Yes bitch you! Come and suck a dick".
What happened again was the last thing I want to remember. The least among them was a slap across my face (which the internet didn't warn me of. Owsh, that bony hands of hers! Not forgetting, the acres of land I weeded as a punishment for the offensive words I used (which the internet never predicted! The internet needs to read Psychology 101 all over again!)

But on the whole, I never wet dreamed about Miss Stepsons again, I also never used my monthly allowance to buy fresh underwear again. Deep inside, this was the reason why I had so much hatred for the internet and also why I restricted my children from having access to the internet.

Yaw Frimpong
Yaw Frimpong, © 2015

The author has 24 publications published on Modern Ghana.Column: YawFrimpong

Disclaimer: "The views/contents expressed in this article are the sole responsibility of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect those of Modern Ghana. Modern Ghana will not be responsible or liable for any inaccurate or incorrect statements contained in this article."

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