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23.10.2012 Feature Article

FRIENDSHIP FOR SEX OR SEX FOR FRIENDSHIP

Why do many young people reject parents' advice on marriage? Characters determine some parents' choice of partners. Behavior falls below grace out of sexual indiscretions. Most reasonable people would marry their friends not a stranger after a one nightstand. Yet, some of us marry complete strangers based on recommendations of their friends. If they were so good, friends would marry them. Breaking up is even harder to explain to kids.

There are men and women shopping for friends they can have sex with occasionally. Such agreements can be forged between willing partners. The problem is that most people portray their best impression, appear to be sincere to get the first date and may have overpromised in the process. In a one night stand, it is generally understood to be that. If it turns into regular sex, one of the partners may freak out.

Depending on certain stages in life, one may seek friendship in order to get regular sex from a partner but at another stage, friendship is more important than the sex itself. It must be realized that sex is one of the basic needs in life like food and shelter. Sexual relationship before marriage is no more a big deal. Family is. It is one of the reasons for healthy intercourse for the purpose of accepted procreation, not only for recreation.

In African polygamous society, some of the men still cheat and it is estimated that one third of married women cheat as well. These statistics may not be reliable since the economy, in Nigeria for example, has decimated the buying power of middleclass men and many women are attracted to the only rich men left in town. But those taking DNA tests for visa and other reasons reported results that showed half of the women had children that do not belong to their husbands!

The worst victims are Diaspora African men still thinking women remained what they were when they left Africa. The men that have left their wives abroad come home and settle with their African women only to be shocked by their promiscuity. In the case of those that come back home to take wives, they found out that some of the African women abroad are even better than the “pure” ones they brought back in 419 fad rush.

In the Wall Street Journal of 10/19/12 Prof. Drexler gave some insight and statistics in United States as women disloyalty are fast catching up with men. Over 19% of married women and 23% of men cheat. Women do it for the same reason men do. They sought out their men to validate their attractiveness especially when in doubt, connection and emotional attachment they lost at home, ego and some are just generous as some men.

It seems that the number of men desiring a fling is going down while the number of women is hitching up. Even more interesting is the number of women, 77% that crave personal space compared to 58% of men. Some 35% want regular night out with their friends compared to only 23% of men. The workplace also provides more exposure.

While we seek sexual interactions, most of us expect certain responsibilities in case of eventualities and consequences. Women are generally more demanding in this regard than men since the nurturing falls more on them especially during the nine months of pregnancy. Once pregnancy is out, it becomes more or less a shared responsibility. The women still jungle two jobs. Though, some men have decided to be house-husbands.

Beyond the consequences of pregnancy, sexual pleasure and companionship are so intertwined, sorting them out could be precarious. If all we want is sex, there are trades that specialize in that. If all we want is friendship, we can seek that from anybody that is interested. But sexual friendship is more than either. It is the type of life relationship that is supposed to serve both men and women conveniently when and as needed.

Unfortunately, when and as needed, may not be in equal desires from both partners. One may be urging for more sex than the other, just as friendship may not be equally reciprocated. Even if it is, it may wear out after some time creating deficit between supply and demand. This is only one of what may lead to dissatisfaction. There are other characters that may only manifest itself after a period of friendship, apart from sex. Since most women would marry their husbands again if they had to do it over.

One of the partners may exhibit insatiable need for caring while the other may demand excessive sexual needs. It is difficult to satisfy a man or a woman that wants sex or seek attention excessively. In cases where the urge or need cannot be controlled, a partner may be tempted to satisfy his or her need by expensive, immoral or sometimes by illegal means. When there is no basic need to satisfy, compulsive behavior controls habits.

This temptation to seek pleasure by any means and regret it after each episode may not be different from someone getting emotional high through drugs but remorseful trying to stop after each high, only to fall back when aroused. It happens when we eat, drink out of greed or engage in excess sexual activities. Stage of no return is when one gets sick or noticed by family members, society norm or legal troubles, ruining some lives.

There was this lady married from Nigeria that used to tell foreign wives that everything was forbidden in Africa. A woman was not supposed to do this. She actually hated foreign wives. It took her a few years to come out, and became worse than the foreign wives she condemned. Of course imported babes gave various reasons for cheating: including they were married too young, forced, was lied to or never loved him. Some of these are actually true, especially for men that married women way above their “class”.

The first step to sexual relationship is usually friendship, but as it progressed, it might be difficult to keep it that way. That is why it is better to marry your best friend, instead of strangers. You may even find out that you were happier just as friends with or without sex. But, if your best friend is attached to someone else, their partners may feel cheated or jealous of the emotional support, loyalty or confidence they shared with others.

Farouk Martins Aresa
Farouk Martins Aresa, © 2012

This author has authored 492 publications on Modern Ghana. Author column: FaroukMartinsAresa

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