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May 15, 2015 | Movie

BOMBAY VELVET: A Burnt Turkey!

Bombay, velvet
Bombay, velvet

This is the third turkey Ranbir Kapoor delivers after Abhinav Kashyap's Besharam (2013) and Roy (2015). A hat-trick no doubt. Both Kashyap brothers - Abhinav and Anurag have wrongly milked Ranbir dry. Ranbir should pull up his socks and get married to Kat for her luck to rub off on him. He looks lost in the movie with a dopey look. Too much of inhaled stuff, I guess. All that 60s' look and classic and dark shoots fall flat. No amount of media glorifying it will work. This is banal tamasha to wait for Kat's Jagga Jasoos (2016).

Anushka Sharma is no Deepika Padukone, not even an iota close. After her lip job, she looks like a bee-strung blob. And the weird dresses she hangs over her, compete with tents. Next year she'll get the National Award for no category. Karan Johar should stick to being a 'director'. That spot was also courtesy SRK. Johar is till now considered gay. Post-release of this movie, he may have to look for other labels! Jiska kaam usi ko saajhe. Aur kare toh danda baaje. With a stiff upper lip (effect of mouche) he hardly performs forget act. He is debuting with this movie and his role is shaped after Blitz editor Russi Karanjia. OK, that's inuf!

The songs r something from Mars, I mean 'out of this world'. So, let them remain out of this world. We mere mortals cannot decipher them, forget enjoy. Not only the movie is based on a book, even its poster is plagiarized from English movie (Gone With The Wind, 1939). But the Hindi actors forgot to ape their English counterparts! Even there is a remix song of Jaata kahan hai deewane (CID, 1956). There is no novelty or creativity in the movie, except borrowed plumes.

As far as the ishtory goes (u still waiting for it!!!), watch an 80s' Amit or Dharam's movie. An aspiring boxer hero, a singer heroine and a cardboard villain with a feel for the heroine. Each one of them is a cardboard. No actors. Raveena Tandon Thadani in a special appearance does the opening credits with a dance number. Balraj (Ranbir Kapoor) is a son of a sex worker. Frustration leads him to becoming a boxer to earn ready cash. His good friend is Chiman (Satyadeep Misra). They work for Kaizad Khambata (Karan Johar), editor of the tabloid Torrent. Kaizad offers his wife Mrs Khambatta (Shanti) to lure other men to blackmail them. His interest is in men. He tells Balraj to take care of his club Bombay Velvet and also to gradually finish off the communists.

Jimmy Mistry (Manish Chaudhury), is the editor of labour tabloid Glitz. Jimmy sends a singer Rosie Noronha (Anushka Sharma) to lure Balraj. But the duo fall in love. And...Kaizad too develops feelings for Rosie! Mayhem follows literally. The 'heart'y wars take over media wars. Think about Times of India vs Hindustan Times or The Hindu vs The Indian Express or The Telegraph vs whatever... The audience may not wait for this lengthy banal movie's inane ending. Both Persis Khambatta and Kaizad Gustad may take offence to 'Kaizad Khambatta'. The only plus to this movie is it is rich with Parsi characters.

As far as director Anurag Kashyap goes, he can take solace in his ex-wife Kalki Koechlin's marvelous performances. A terrific actress. He should hang up his director's boots. Period. He is no creative person. He just want to move up the social ladder making trash. Naach na jaane, aangan tedha. Anurag was dilly-dallying on this turkey's release. He knew its fate. He shouldn't have made. He shouldn't have released it. There were two earthquakes in Nepal. This is a man-made one in India that'll paralyze the audience in to curly thinking.

Historian Gyan Prakash (63), on whose book MUMBAI FABLES (2010), this movie is based on, will be left tearing his hair out. He'll spent sleepless nights till the day he reaches grave, where he'll toss and turn! Two good movies - ISHQEDARRIYAAN and LATEEF pushed forward their release later this month to offer space to this turkey. They shouldn't have bothered. This movie needs at least 200 weeks continuously to make its presence felt. I can predict its BO but why bother for what'll be apparent soon? Pahlaj Nihalani has a lot to answer for letting it go without cuts. He should resign when he doesn't know his job instead of being a BJP stooge. Even God will NOT save this movie...even with a barge pole. It shouldn't have been attempted.

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