Do Bearded Men Make Best Boyfriends?

Why Guys With Beards Make The Best Boyfriends

1. Anything short of beard rash feels like a waste of time.

When you make out with a man with a beard, you will sometimes get a beard rash. What the f*ck else did you think was going to happen when your soft, dainty-ass girl skin touches his rough face tresses?

It's annoying at first because your skin gets irritated and no one wants that, but as any girl with a lusty affection for bearded men will tell you, it starts to become a non-negotiable necessity. Kissing someone with a beard feels gross. It's like kissing a baby. Sick.

2. He looks good in literally everything.
A beard is seriously the ultimate accessory. He looks hot AF in jeans and a T-shirt (bonus if he has guns too. I'm literally getting wet picturing this), and he looks DELICIOUS in a suit.

Bearded guys, man. They are some GEMS. A guy with a smooth face needs to dress UP to look sexy. A man with a beard can walk around in sweats and still be totally f*ckable. UGH. I die.

3. The jealous looks you get from other women are empowering.

If you have a hot piece of bearded man candy on your arm, you can bet your ass other girls are going to be jealous. And the jealous looks won't be awkward at all. They will be empowering. Because the sexiest piece of meat (who is also a lovely person and sh*t) is with YOU.

There is something super intriguing about a female who totes around a guy with a beard. She is no girl. She is ALL woman. She is no-nonsense and has no time for f*ckboy tomfoolery. NO THANK YOU, SIR.

4. He definitely has a big dick.
If he can grow a full beard, he has a big dick. This might be a generalization, but I would be SHOCKED if you hooked up with a bearded Adonis, only to find he wasn't well-endowed.

It has never, ever happened in my experience. To grow a beard like that, he has to be pumping mad testosterone. Plus, a beard just isn't something men use to compensate for a small dick like one might use a Rolex or a sports car. If he's packing on his face, he's packing down below.

Once you get that big D, you aren't going to settle for anything sub-par, ya feels?

5. Your mom does not like his beard.
My mom HATES my boyfriend's beard. She asked him if he'd shave it for her as her Christmas present. I don't know why, but her hatred of his facial hair is disturbingly satisfying for me.

It's like the ultimate jab at parental control, you know? He's a beautiful man inside and out, but I still get to have that “Mom and Dad don't approve” vibe that made the bad boys in high school so appealing . I know it's sick, but f*ck it.

6. He's the best alarm clock.
Look, don't even knock it until you try it. Forget needing an alarm clock when you have a tasty man with a beard to wake you up with scratchy tenderness in the morning. Being gently needled from your slumber by a beard between your shoulder blades is a game changer.

7. If he can grow a strong beard, he probably has strong sperm.

In ancient times, beards were seen as a sign of a man's virility ... meaning he can impregnate the SH*T out of you. Be still, my lady loins!

If he has a beard, he is going to produce strong offspring. We females want to get all up on that sh*t because of biology. We are genetically inclined to pursue a mate who we think will be a good father for our wee babies. If a guy has got a beard, your ovaries are already gearing up to pounce.