South Africa FarmGate Scandal

South African President Ramaphosa is currently engulfed in a financial scandal. His was a money matter; his predecessor, Zuma, palaver was about unprotected sex and such.

To help shed light on the matter, I put a call to the president’s office in Pretoria. Spokesperson John Maglucxlomagbonti was in a combat, take-no-prisoners mode.

The line crackles constantly
Good afternoon, good afternoon, can you hear me? I am calling you from Accra. Sorry for the poor line, Mr. Maglux… sorry, I can't get my hang on the name. Good afternoon to you.

I can hear you. Barely. It sounds like you’re calling from inside a drum.

The network here is run on faith and prepaid credit, sir; please bear with us. By the way, it’s your MTN that continues to provide subpar services to us.

You guys in West Africa will never stop whining. You wasted the seventy or so years of your independence doing nothing to provide services for your people. All you do is steal all public funds and turn around to blame everyone else except yourselves.

That was uncalled for. May I start with the interview?

You may. Thank you.
Thank you. Actually, I called to ask about the sofa.

The spokesperson caught on immediately. Of course you do. Everyone wants to ask about the sofa. I should start charging the furniture an appearance fee.

Four hundred thousand, no, sorry, my notes say it grew to four million dollars, hidden in upholstery. Sir, in Ghana we keep our money in banks, in susu clubs, even under the mattress like civilized people. Why the sofa?

And how much of Ghana’s gold, may I ask, currently sits in vaults in London that you Ghanaians have never seen, and would probably never see? Before you interrogate our furniture, perhaps interrogate your own missing minerals.

I didn’t quite get that, Sir; did you just accuse my country of losing its gold to a sofa in London?

I’m simply saying every republic on this continent has its own upholstery to inspect. None should pretend to be a saint.

Fair, fair, touché, as the French would say, or as we say in Accra, “you don try.” But sir, focus with me, the buffalo. The President says the money came from selling a buffalo. Now, I am a village boy; I know livestock. What kind of buffalo fetches millions of undeclared American dollars, cash, delivered by hand, unbanked?

A very good buffalo.
Sir!
A premium buffalo. Limpopo bloodline. You wouldn’t understand; you people in West SAfrica deal in cocoa; we deal in livestock diplomacy. Unlike you guys in West Africa, we do our best to feed ourselves, while you, despite all your universities and degrees, import everything, including toothpicks.

Livestock diplomacy! I will use that phrase, I promise you, I will use it. But tell me, was this sale declared to the Reserve Bank, as your own law requires?

Our law is a complex instrument, as it is in every country.

The law is four sentences long, sir. I have read it on my phone, right here, while your network was busy sounding like a can of stones.

Your phone is not the Constitutional Court.
No, but the Constitutional Court agrees with my phone! That is rather the problem for you, is it not? They revived the impeachment precisely because Parliament’s earlier decision to bury it was, in their own words, inconsistent with your constitution.

The process is ongoing. We respect all institutions.

You respect them the way a cat respects a locked fish store, from a distance, and only until an opportunity presents itself.

That’s a very colorful accusation from a man calling me on a line that sounds like a carrier pigeon is relaying it.

The pigeon has better records than your Reserve Bank filings, sir, at least the pigeon always arrives somewhere.

Is there an actual question in there, or are we simply exchanging proverbs now?

Very well, a straight question, sir, and I want a straight answer, not livestock diplomacy. Even if this committee finds against the President, everyone from Cape Town to Cairo knows your party holds enough seats to block his removal. So tell me honestly, is this impeachment process a genuine reckoning, or is it, as we say back home, “government dashing itself a certificate of good behavior”?

You know, for a man on a telephone line held together by prayer, that is actually a well-constructed question.

Thank you, sir. Now the answer?
The answer is: we shall let the process play out, as we always do. We have great confidence in our strong institutions.

That is not an answer. That is a sofa. Soft, comfortable, and you’re hiding something inside it.

You should have your own comedy show.
I would, sir, but nobody in Accra can afford the airtime to call South Africa and get proper answers. Which, from where I’m sitting, seems to be working out rather well for you. By the way, are the background noises from those Go bek to ya kantry March March mob?

Get out of there.
The line goes dead.
©️ Ọdọ́fin Fẹ̀mi Akọ̀mọ̀‌làfẹ̀ (1st Dan, Ọdọ́fin I of Kasoa)

(Farmer, Writer, Published Author, Essayist, Satirist, Social Commentator, Geopolitical Analyst.)

Blog: https://femiakogun.substack.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@FemiAkomolafe

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