Honouring Mothers without Erasing Fathers: Rethinking Faith, Culture and the Forgotten Sacrifices of Fathers

Across many Muslim communities in Ghana, especially in the northern regions, one religious statement has become deeply rooted in popular preaching: that a child owes the mother three times more honour than the father. The statement is often repeated during sermons, family gatherings and religious lessons. Its intention is noble — to remind people of the extraordinary sacrifices mothers make. However, the way it is sometimes presented has created an unintended consequence: some children have come to believe that the father occupies a less important position in their lives.

A teaching that was meant to increase gratitude towards mothers should not become a reason for fathers to be forgotten. Islam, Christianity and many traditional African systems have always recognized that both parents are essential pillars of family life. The question therefore is not whether mothers deserve honour. They certainly do. The real question is whether honouring mothers requires reducing the importance of fathers. The answer is no.

Understanding the Famous Hadith Correctly

The famous narration about the mother appears in authentic hadith collections, including Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim. A man asked the Prophet Muhammad: “Who is most deserving of my good companionship?” The Prophet replied: “Your mother.” The man asked: “Then who?” The Prophet replied: “Your mother.” The man asked again: “Then who?” The Prophet replied: “Your mother.” The man asked again: “Then who?” The Prophet replied: “Your father.”

The wisdom behind this teaching is profound. Mothers carry burdens that fathers do not experience. Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and the early years of nurturing involve physical sacrifices that deserve special recognition. Islam was elevating the status of women and mothers in a society where their contributions were often overlooked. However, scholars have never interpreted this hadith to mean that fathers should be neglected.

The great Islamic scholar Imam al-Ghazali emphasized the importance of family responsibilities, moral upbringing and mutual obligations within the household. Similarly, Ibn Taymiyyah and other classical scholars stressed that obedience and kindness to parents apply to both father and mother. The hadith is about recognizing sacrifice --- not creating rivalry. A child does not honour one parent by dishonouring another.

The Qur’an’s Balanced Message

The Qur’an repeatedly commands believers to show kindness to parents. In Surah Al-Isra (17:23), Allah instructs: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents.” Notice that the verse does not separate mother from father. Both are included.

The Qur’an recognizes that parents occupy a special place because they represent the human instruments through whom Allah brings life into existence and provides care during childhood. The message is one of gratitude. A person who claims to honour God while disrespecting the parents who sacrificed for him or her contradicts the spirit of the scripture.

The Silent Sacrifices of Fathers
The sacrifices of mothers are often visible. The pain of pregnancy, the demands of childbirth and the daily care of children are experiences society can easily recognize. The sacrifices of fathers are sometimes less visible. A father may spend decades waking up early, working under difficult conditions, denying himself comfort and carrying financial responsibilities so his children can have better opportunities. Many fathers have paid school fees they struggled to afford. Many have gone hungry so their children could eat. Many have abandoned personal dreams so their children could pursue theirs.

Yet when such fathers grow old, some discover that the children they sacrificed for have little time for them. There is a painful irony in society: the parent who sacrificed silently is sometimes the parent who is remembered least.

The African Understanding of Fatherhood

Traditional African societies generally viewed fatherhood as a position of responsibility. The father was not simply the biological contributor to a child’s existence. He was regarded as the protector, provider, teacher and moral guide.

Among many Ghanaian communities, including Dagomba, Akan, Ewe, Gonja and others, elders were traditionally respected because they represented wisdom, continuity and social stability. The father’s role was not always expressed through emotional language. Many African fathers did not frequently say “I love you.” Instead, they demonstrated love through responsibility.

Their love was expressed through action: “I provided for you.” “I educated you.” “I protected you.” “I prepared you for life.” Modern generations must be careful not to judge older forms of expressing love only through contemporary standards. Different generations communicate affection differently.

When Discipline Became Mistaken for Cruelty

One of the biggest changes in modern family life is the changing perception of discipline. Many fathers who maintained strict standards have been described as harsh, wicked or too temperamental. Of course, no parent should abuse authority. A father who humiliates, frightens or harms children cannot justify such behaviour by claiming tradition.

However, discipline itself should not be condemned. The work of psychologist Diana Baumrind on parenting classs showed that children often benefit from what she described as authoritative parenting --- a combination of warmth, guidance and reasonable boundaries. A parent who corrects a child is not necessarily a cruel parent. A father who insists on responsibility is not necessarily an enemy.

Sometimes children appreciate discipline only after becoming adults and understanding what their parents were trying to achieve. Many successful people today acknowledge that the strict values taught by their parents helped shape their character.

Lessons from Christianity and other Faith Traditions

The importance of both parents is not unique to Islam. Christianity places similar emphasis on parental honour. The Ten Commandments state: “Honour your father and your mother, so that your days may be long.” The commandment does not say honour your mother while ignoring your father. It places both together.

The New Testament also instructs children to obey parents while warning fathers not to provoke their children unnecessarily. This reflects a balanced approach: fathers have authority, but authority must be exercised with compassion. Judaism and other religious traditions also emphasize respect for parents as a foundation of moral society. Across faith traditions, the family works best when authority and affection exist together.

What Science Tells us About Parents

Science also reminds us that both parents contribute fundamentally to the creation of a child. A child inherits genetic material from both mother and father. The father contributes half of the child’s nuclear DNA through sperm, while the mother contributes the other half through the egg.

Pregnancy itself is an extraordinary biological partnership involving the mother’s body and the developing child, with genetic influences from both parents. The scientific message is clear: A child is not the product of one parent. Both mother and father make essential contributions.

The forgotten Elderly Father
There is another issue that deserves serious attention: ageing and widowhood. In many African societies, husbands are often older than their wives. Age differences of 10 - 30 or even more years are common in some marriages. As a result, many women become widows. This raises an important question: Why do some children wait until a parent is gone before showing appreciation? Why do we spend heavily on funerals but fail to provide comfort while parents are alive?

A father who spent his youth caring for his children deserves care during his old age. The same compassion shown to elderly mothers must be extended to elderly fathers. A parent does not need flowers after death. A parent needs kindness while alive.

A Message to Religious Leaders
Religious leaders have enormous influence over family attitudes. Therefore, sermons about parents must be delivered with balance. The message should not be: “Your mother comes before your father.” The statement that “a child should give presents to the mother three times before the father” is not an authentic hadith, in the sense that it is not established as a saying of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) through reliable hadith collections. The deeper message should be: “Your mother’s sacrifices are unique. Your father’s sacrifices are also unique. Honour them both.”

Some preachers go to great lengths making claims to a hadith about a scenario in which ones’ parents are carrying loads, and that the child is required to take the mother's load, and the mother takes the father's load. This is not known as a hadith, or an authentic hadith from the Prophet. It appears more like a moral story or a popular saying used to encourage kindness and appreciation within the family. The authentic teachings of Islam already provide a stronger foundation: parents should be honoured because of their sacrifices, not because one is ranked against the other.

Preachers must avoid interpretations that create competition between parents. The Prophet’s teaching was not intended to weaken fathers. It was intended to correct societies that undervalued mothers. The solution to historical neglect of mothers cannot be the modern neglect of fathers. Justice requires balance.

My Thoughts: Restoring Gratitude in our Families

The family is facing many challenges today: declining respect for elders, weakened relationships between parents and children, and increasing loneliness among older people. Restoring family values requires that we appreciate every sacrifice.

• Call your mother.
• Visit your father.
• Support your widowed mother.
• Care for your ageing father.
• Listen to the advice of both.

The greatest mistake a child can make is to discover the value of a parent only after that parent has departed this world. A society that truly understands religion, culture and humanity will not force children to choose between mother and father. It will teach them to honour both. Because mothers give us life. And fathers help carry the burden that makes that life possible.

FUSEINI ABDULAI BRAIMAH
+233208282575 / +233550558008
afusb55@gmail.com

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