Diaries Of An Oguaa Fisherman: Pretending To Be Fathers

Dear Akosua,
I was good-naturedly waiting for this day of all days to come. Lo and behold, it is here. – Fathers’ day.

In fact, I, your father, the great fisherman that I have been, have been thanking God unendingly for guarding you zealously throughout your sojourn on earth so far. I know you are not a year old on this earth yet but how you sometimes look at me makes me wonder what you’ve been communicating to me.

Anytime, I see a wink from you whenever you get a letter from me, it reminds me of my first meeting with your mum- she used a wink to indicate her acceptance of my marriage proposal. To be brutally frank with you, that day was really awesome. It started my journey into biological fatherhood.

Akosua, never mind those that ask how you read my letters to you. I know you do read and enjoy the letters and will one day write your maiden letter that will shock the entire world.

Back to the reason I am writing you this letter, Fathers’ day. Do you agree that mothers ought to be celebrated more than Fathers? I certainly know you don’t agree because inasmuch as there are bad fathers, there are equally bad mothers and I will tell you why.

As I sit my somewhere on the beach this sunny Saturday preceding the third Sunday of June, celebrated worldwide as Fathers’ day, streams of thoughts make me realize that the reason there is a lot of publicity and noise about mothers’ day than Fathers’ day is not that fathers are beasts and monsters, but that for decades, psychologists and other researchers assumed that the mother-child bond was the most important one in a kid's life. The focus of these researchers was on the study of those relationships, and however a child turned out, the mother often got the credit — or blame.

Perhaps, Chinua Achebe’s explanation about fatherhood and motherhood in his book, ‘Things Fall Apart’ in which Okonkwo was being given an advice might suffice. ‘Then listen to me,' he said and cleared his throat. ’It's true that a child belongs to its father. But when a father beats his child, it seeks sympathy in its mother's hut. A man belongs to his fatherland when things are good and life is sweet. But when there is sorrow and bitterness he finds refuge in his motherland. Your mother is there to protect you. She is buried there. And that is why we say that mother is supreme. Is it right that you, Okonkwo, should bring your mother a heavy face and refuse to be comforted? Be careful or you may displease the dead. Your duty is to comfort your wives and children and take them back to your fatherland after seven years. But if you allow sorrow to weigh you down and kill you, they will all die in exile.” As to whether you agree with is another matter reserved for another day.

But Akosua, within the last several decades, though, scientists are increasingly realizing just how much dads matter. Just like women, fathers' bodies respond to parenthood , and their parenting style affects their kids just as much, and sometimes more, than their mother’s.

One of the reasons is that women rule the world and men are as silent as the word silent when it comes to celebrations. How many times do you see men celebrating their birthday and other celebrations in a pomp and pageantry style as women do? Women are very influential and have affected the world with their influence in terms of celebrations. I bet you, if you gave women the chance, they would even design clothes with mothers’ day inscriptions to celebrate mothers’ day. I love women; they are very good at anything.

Akosua, in declaring my unalloyed love for women including your mum, the great fishmonger, it is also truism that many fathers have made great mistakes. For this reason, the security and the love of their children have been compromised. There are many men who have ‘discharged into women’ and have abandoned them to be single mothers who single handedly raise the children.

All around us, there are sweet sentiments about the good things fathers do for their families. And hidden is the other side of things, that some Dads weren’t very good at ‘the job of fatherhood’. This creates a lot of pain and resentment, and some adult children carry that pain around with them seemingly forever- It needs not be that way.

Akosua, for many, writing about Father's Day is sadder and more difficult. Today more than one-third of Ghanaian children spend at least a part of their childhoods living apart from their fathers. So, they question, ‘how do we do justice to Father's Day in an increasingly fatherless society?’

I had a good father, and even though he is no more, I knew he loved me. He also set firm boundaries and taught me to love and respect my mother. He was a leader and a role model. I believed he could do anything he set his mind to.

A fisherman who is sitting beside me and mending his net says, he’s been married for 46 years. His eight children are all grown and he admits he was not always a good father, even though he wanted to be one. But with 42 grandchildren, as well as the many other children he meets every day, he welcomes the chance to make up for the lost time!

My dear, the Fifth Commandment in the Bible tells us to honour both father and mother, and that when people heed this rule, things will turn out well. But how can a father expect to be honoured – that is, to be loved and respected – if he does not live a life worthy of these things?

If a man is lazy, dishonest, impure or indecisive, we can expect no better in his children. On the other hand, a father who loves and respects his wife – and who leads his family with decision and dedication – is the greatest gift a child can have. A child's emotional stability depends on his or her father's example. Because the first five years of a child's life are the most formative, this example should be present from early on.

From earliest times, men have been expected to lead their families, and we, men, should be proud of bearing this responsibility. Today, however, too many men do not lead, and often they are not even there at all.

Men need to be fathers, not only to our own children, but to all the children whose lives we touch. Even men without children of their own can embody the best attributes of fatherhood. In this sense, fatherhood is a duty that is entrusted to every male, and true men will be like fathers to all children. Over the years, I have known many coaches and teachers in high schools and elementary schools who were the only father figures many of their students knew.

In a time when true fathers are so hard to find, we would do well to heed the Cuban writer José Martí, who said that "the greatest aim of our education should be to make true fathers out of the boys, and true mothers out of the girls. Everything else is secondary."

There is deep wisdom in these words. Boys hunger for masculine role models, and suffer when they do not find them. Conversely, those who do find true fathers can one day become good fathers and leaders themselves, and leave behind a legacy that will change still more lives.

Daring and fearless, these men will enter into the battles of life as good soldiers, ready for challenges and combat. And like soldiers anywhere, they will remain alert and ready for duty 24 hours a day. They will not be afraid to lead, or to learn from their mistakes. In this way they will make a difference for their own children and for the world around them.

Men, let's encourage one another to become true fathers again. In an age when fear dominates every relationship, we need real fathers more than ever – men who are beacons of light, and who provide companionship, love and hope in a world filled with loneliness, pain and despair.

Do you have such a father? If you do, you are truly fortunate. Take a moment on this Fathers’ Day to be grateful for him and to thank him. HAPPY FATHERS’ DAY. MEN, STOP PRETENDING TO BE FATHERS AND BE FATHERS SO THAT YOU CAN BE CELEBRATED WITHOUT RESERVATIONS.