Lost For Words: Supporting A Grieving Parent

It was 12:34 pm. My phone kept ringing. I couldn't ignore it anymore. But I must be careful so not to have some of this well brewed “sobolo” I was sipping stained my shirt. I knew where the call was coming from---a medical officer from NICU or P2A. The persistency of the call meant that a bad news needed to be told to a parent. No. This wouldn't be one of the usual clients who needed one form psychotherapy or counseling.

My best bet: a child had died, or a child's prognosis was 'bad', or a parent was either aggressive or very depressed, or something…something that needed immediate intervention. If I were off duty, they'd have managed it somehow. But why should they worry themselves when a clinical psychologist was on duty. But I had just started my only break for the day. I picked up my phone and ID card and zoomed towards the Child Health Department of the Korle-Bu Teaching Hospital.

I predicted right. A woman, about 34 years old was in all tears. She had lost a baby…not the first or second. This was her third consecutive time. Two nurses were sitting by---comforting her. They beckoned me, gave me the details and left. I held her hand, looked into her eyes as I began introducing myself.

One of the most empathic moments as a clinician is when providing supportive therapy to a parent who was grieving, especially after the loss of a child. Losing a child canbe very 'psychologically traumatic' as well as emotionally disturbing. Often times, when faced with such a situation, the average folk would resort to all forms of 'kind' phrases---in their quest to comfort and help the grieving parent. Unfortunately, they often miss the point and worsen the situation. What would you tell a parent who has lost a child? What should you say? What should you not say? This paper will help identify some common mistakes made in trying to provide support, and to suggest more effective ways to support parents as they work through their grief.

1. “Everything happens for a reason. He/she is in a better place. It's part of God's plan”

In 2012, WIN Gallup International, an international polling agency ranked Ghana as the most religious nation in the world. For the most part, religion is enormously beneficial---providing both spiritual and physical need. However, when we tell a grieving parent: “He/she is in a better place”, or “It's part of God's plan”, then we are attempting to provide an explanation for the loss. This can lead a parent feeling as though his or her anger (or other intense emotion connected with the loss) is invalid.

On the contrary, it is imperative that the parent is allowed to process the loss and to identify his or her own meaning, if any, in his or her own time. We err when we make all efforts to “fix” the pain that accompanies grieving. Instead, one can initiate a supportive conversation with some empathic but non-judgmental statements. For instance: “I can't imagine what you are going through. This must be so difficult. I am here for you and would like to offer my support during this difficult time. I can offer you a listening ear without judgment or advice.”

2. “Why are you having those thoughts? They are completely irrational… you couldn't have done anything to prevent this!”

After the loss of a child, it is natural for a parent to start questioning inwardly and wondering how he or she could have done to keep the child safe. Even after explaining the condition away medically, there is still that wondering!Clinicians appreciate the fact that, often times, parents are cognitively aware of the fact they could not have done anything to prevent the loss, but emotionally they still feel that they failed. Similarly, we err when we quickly jump in to challenge these thoughts in an effort to reassure the parent that this is not true. This may be necessary at some point, but how you do this is extremely important.

Because we are in to help, we easily fail to validate the parent's feelings by failing to simply listen to him or her.This can create a barrier for communication. An essential aspect of the healing process is to able to share what the parent is thinking, no matter how extreme those thoughts may sound. We thwart the healing process when we fail to do this.Instead, emphasize that having such thoughts is completely normal for a parent who has lost a child. Thereafter, listen to the person and practice reflective listening skills.For instance: “I hear you saying you are hurting. I know this is very painful for you, which is completely understandable.” With this, the parent gets 'connected and opens up' to you---knowing that you understand where he or she is coming from.

3. “It's time to move on! You have to get on with your life!”

A common mistake! The intent of providing supportive therapy to a grieving parent is to help the parent to get back to life and to find meaning again. Indeed, seeing a loved one go through grief and extreme suffering can be very uncomfortable. However, rushing a grieving parent to “move on” consequentiallyinvalidates the parent, who may start to question whether there is something wrong with them for grieving for the child. Different people grieve differently! Whilst some may get back to work a day after burial, others may require a leave of absence from work for three month!

Grieving, for the most part, is accompanied with bouts of crying, depression, anger, numbness, confusion, guilt, and inward questioning as to how the person could have prevented the loss, followed by perhaps more anger, depression, and numbness. The parent may feel distant from loved ones, which often makes loved ones concerned and anxious and can lead to statements such as the one above. This is certain: “There is no time limit on how long it takes a person to grieve the loss of a child”. In fact, it is important to acknowledge that huge losses will make an impact on a person's life forever. This does not mean there is no life after loss. It just means that it will look different.

Such a parent would require more time to grieve in the way he or she needs to grieve! This creates safety for the parent and assurance that he or she can do what is needed to do to work through emotions with support and understanding. Saying something like, “It's OK that you are feeling the way you are … you have experienced a major loss and I want you to know that I am here to listen … take as long as you need,” is a much better way to communicate to the person that you want to help him or her through the grieving process.

By and large, as much as it is contextually common and seemingly comfortable, avoid the following phrases when trying to support a bereaved parent:

1. "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask the person to tell you how he or she feels.

2. "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."

3. "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now those ones are not important.

4. "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.

5. "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" his or her loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.

What then, can one say to a grieving parent? It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. The following are suggestions can be helpful:

1. Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.

2. Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."

3. Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."

4. Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you." Often times, we do everything else, except to tell them we are here to help. Mere presence does not mean you are readily available. Voice it out!

5. Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

More often, the accompanied bouts of crying, depression, anger, numbness, guilt, confusion, and self-hatred can be overwhelming. When not well managed, the effects can be devastating and long term. Consult a licensed Clinical Psychologist to help and empower you go through such traumatic moments! Remember, you are not alone! Help is available. Seek it!

Reference
Wiersbe, D. W. (2011). Gone but Not Lost: Grieving the Death of a Child. Baker Publishing

Group: Michigan
Richard Appiah – Trainee Clinical Psychologist, University of Ghana, Legon

(Email: [email protected])