What do we survive on?

From the beginning of time till today, the union between a man and a woman is deemed holy and sacred owing to the fact that the institution of marriage was ordained by God Himself. The Garden of Eden provided the environment for two people – Adam and Eve to be bonded together as husband and wife and this was consummated by the Lord God. When God instructed man in Genesis 1:28 to be fruitful, multiply and fill all earth, He meant procreation in addition to churning out ideas and policies that engender societal progress and development. If man should procreate and fill all earth, then the coming together of male and female to heed the instruction should follow certain processes to be deemed acceptable and worthy, observed God.

Marriage is a rite of passage subsequent to puberty. The evolution of religions and cultures has brought different perspectives to marriage and today, modernity is playing a greater role in determining the form as well as substance of marriages. Whilst some communities and people are wholeheartedly sticking to peculiar societal marriage norms and practices, others have decided to follow the trend of the times as evidenced by numerous court marriages without traditional/customary marriage rites. In customary practice, marriage is a union not only between a man and a woman but also between their respective families. It means therefore that the consent of both families have to be sought before the two people can be joined together in marriage. Is this what is still being observed today? Well, some still stick to the norm, while others have found a fast and easy way of ignoring parental and family consent to shoulder it all by themselves. A novelty of the times, one would call it.

In Christendom, customary marriage is usually followed by a wedding, which witnesses the exchange of vows between two people who promise and profess to love each other unconditionally in the presence of God and men; exchanging rings symbolizing commitment to one another, till death do them part. The wedding ceremony is preceded by counseling sessions meant to prepare the two people for the only institution which presents certificates to students prior to their studies. Exchange of vows is supposed to be simple and solemn, but weddings in modern times are characterized by panache, grandeur and profligacy and are forcing young couples-to-be to live beyond their means, which tends to be a recipe for marital suicide. From wedding dresses (gowns) to reception parties to honeymoon expenses, the bill is rising day in day out and is scaring the hell out of young men who want to get married. I may be wrong, but it appears ladies tend to root for huge, grand, talk-of-the-town weddings to impress peers and colleagues.

Young people entering marriage spend a lot of money in organizing weddings and are left with virtually nothing or at worst in debt after the whole ceremony and tend to begin thinking about what to survive on in the marriage. The flagrant display of profligacy is nauseating, especially to find the actors of those scenes later begging for loans and favours to make ends meet. You then ask yourself where common sense has gone to. Perhaps, the saying common sense is not common to common people is true in this case. It is highly unfortunate that guys in their opinionated way of showing love to their ladies throw common sense to the gutters and kowtow to unnecessary demands by their female partners. Ladies, don't get me wrong! What I am saying is, where the means is available, you can have whatever wedding you want, but never put impressing friends with big-time, high expenditure-laced weddings above the long term interests of your marriage when there is insufficient means.

Parents of yet-to-be brides worsen the case by demanding so many items including high amounts of money from their daughters' suitors before giving away their daughters' hands in marriage. Having a daughter has become the perfect gold mine of all times for some parents. Guys are then forced to go out of their way to incur huge debts to get the woman of their dreams as well as save face. This callous act on the part of parents of would-be brides must stop. Marriages are breaking down because of financial problems and if profligate weddings and selfishly high demands by the woman's family can cause this, then a second and critical look has to be taken at these issues.

In my humble opinion, pastors during counseling have to dwell more on financial issues in marriage and advise young people going into the institution that they should not only think pre-wedding and wedding but most importantly post-wedding. Parents of would-be brides should manage their expectations and should know that they cannot make fortunes out of their daughters' suitors. They should work hard. These aside, men should make sure they are ready financially for marriage. I am aware of the fact that many, especially ladies with unnecessarily big wedding expectations and parents of would-be brides with utopian perspectives will see me as rude, arrogant, ignorant, conceited and harsh, but the truth, though ugly should always be told. I am all for the truth and if it takes stepping on toes and nerves and disappointing others to save the future of marital unions, so be it!

Paul Edem Kuenyefu, a Development Enthusiast, is an Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker and Writer. He is the author of 'TO THE ZENITH', a motivational piece.

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