SHITTO..............

If you are African and can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

An Indian chef, a Saudi Arabian chef and an American chef were all invited to Ghana to judge the “SUPREME SHITTO CONTEST” at Osu Night Market in Ghana, West Africa. Upon arrival, the Saudi Arabian chef was honored with the position as judge 1. The Indian was honored next as judge 2 followed by the American as judge 3. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Ghana, you know how spicy shitto can get. Judge 3 is an inexperienced spicy food contest judge; though a world renowned chef, named Frank, who is visiting Ghana for the first time from Springfield, Illinois.

While being interviewed by the local press this is what he had to say:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at this shitto cook-off. The original judge whom I am replacing is from China but cancelled at the last moment and I happened to be in China at his restaurant when the letter came in. He had other plans that had a higher priority over this event so he told me to take his place instead. I was assured by the Chinese chef that the SHITTO! wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, he told me I could have free beer during the tasting since it was being sponsored by Bubra Draft Beer, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

SHITTO .. 1 - DAAVI'S MANIAC MONSTER SHITTO...
Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the shrimp.
amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth shrimp flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Ghanaians are crazy.


SHITTO .. 2 – AUNTIE ARABA'S AFTERBURNER SHITTO...
Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight ginger twang.
Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- KEEP THIS OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN!!!!!!! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


SHITTO .. 3 - FAFA'S FAMOUS FIRE IN THE A-HOLE
Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse shitto. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the Environmental Protection Agency. I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Ammonia. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before my butt ignites. The beermaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Ghana has some good beer though, strong, but good.

SHITTO .. 4 - KANTAMANTO'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge .. 1 – Palm-nut oil based shitto with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the palm-nut oil. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods! not much of a shitto.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Afia, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look PRETTY HOT AND TEMPTING. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is shitto an aphrodisiac?

SHITTO .. 5 BABANGIDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong shitto. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Shitto using shredded beef, could use more onions. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. I am positive I could have tested positive for radioactivity. The contestant seemed offended when I told him that
his shitto had given me brain damage. Afia saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those foreigners.


SHITTO .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety shitto. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Afia. I think she has the hots for me and so does the shitto. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with an ice cube or better yet, douse my whole ass in the beer cooler filled with ice behind the bar counter.


SHITTO .. 7 - APPIAH'S SCREAMING SENSATION SHITTO...
Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre shitto with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge .. 2 – Very disappointing, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of cayanne peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with shitto, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My underwear is full of brown spotted blotches which actually matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch gaping hole on my butt since the deadly farts I just let off ripped me a new one.

SHITTO .. 8 – BRA ERIC'S TOENAIL CURLING SHITTO...
Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of peppers. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced shitto. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted again worse than the first time, passed out, fell over and pulled the shitto pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I hope the ambulance gets him to the hospital in time. Poor feller, I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot shitto?
Judge .. 3 - No Report

It was later reported in the local newspapers the following day that Frank, an American chef visiting Ghana for the first time had gone missing. There is an on-going manhunt for Frank so please get the word out by passing this email on to other Ghanaians.

Author: Agbali

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