Darkness Before Noon

K1: Hey Koo, did you know there was a total eclipse of the sun in some parts of Europe on 20 March 2015?

K2: Yes! I was disappointed at the way that the Sun and the Moon do not seem to care about how we on Planet Earth view them (pun intended!)

1. What do you mean?
2. Well, do you know that if their wedding date had been propelled forward by just one week, the wedding would have taken place on Friday the Thirteenth….!
3. Oh? The 419-spiritualists would have had a field day!
4. Just imagine! Friday The Thirteen! At 0900, the Sun begins to turn into an apple with part of it bitten off….
5. Yiee – it would have been like going back in time to see how Adam was caught by God eating the apple Eve had given him!
6. Exactly. And at 0915 – half-eaten Sun! Didn't God allegedly stop the Sun from setting at one time, so that a particularly horrific genocide could be completed?
7. That's mere tribal tittle-tattle!
8. Go and say that in Israel and see!
9. And at 0930, total swallowing of the Sun by the Moon!
10. Many people would have timed their sexual activity to coincide with just that moment! I mean, if a spiritualist's child was conceived at just the moment a total eclipse of the Sun occurred – and on Friday The thirteenth at that? He would walk on the Sea before he could swim on the Land!
11. Koo – you should set up an Interplanetary Pendulum Centre For The Interpretation of Ultra-Galactic Phenomena. (IPUCFTI-UGP) pronounced Ipji-fitiujip. Some would claim that they understood it to be an Egyptian word resurrected from a hieroglyphic papyrus discovered in the River Ankobra, when the Fantis were escaping down to present-day Ghana from Egypt. Others would claim it was a Hindi word copied from a 3,000-year-old vase retrieved from the Summit of Mount Everest. You'd just sit tight and quietly clean up.
12. Could I be your Spokesman, Koo?! Imagine the strong Terrestrial Entities we could call upon: the Holy Ganges River; the unpolluted sections of the Tigris and Euphrates; the Black Nile; Stonehenge; Tongo; Ypala! When someone came to see you with a child that had only one leg, you would charge money and ask the parents to wait until the full eclipse that would occur at Luxor, in Egypt, in 2027, when the Sun and the Moon would conclude their copulation and restore the limbs of all people on Earth who had suffered physical damage due to the fact that in previous couplings, the Sun had left The Moon behind!
13. Ei – you dey inside o! Do you also know that at Ypala, in Northern Ghana (which, by the way, is the true birth-place of Tigare, NOT Nkwantanang and Pepease, Kwawu, as some people imagine) if you see someone coming towards you, wearing a mask, at a festival, and you don't run as hard as you can, your soul can be transported back into the animal you were before you were born as a Human Being?!
14. I don't doubt it! Mankind has always tried to make sense, in its own terms, of anything unusual that the Universe projects at it. Do you understand the term, “Chercher pe aware?” [Chercher loves matrimony!] It is taken from the frequent alignment of the Planet Jupiter and its largest moon, Ganymede, in the sky! Our people say that it is because Ganymede does not want Jupiter to be separated from her husband, Jupiter, that she dogs his footsteps! When one of the other moons of Jupiter comes close – especially bisexual Callisto – it means that Jupiter's “other wife” is waiting outside his bedroom door, waiting for her “turn” to go and pleasure her husband.
15. And in saying this, our people legitimise polygamy as something ordained from the very Heavens?
16. Yeah!!
17. Do you know how the Indians explain a solar eclipse?
18. Don't they claim that a sex goddess with six arms was dancing erotically and that when she turned her head in a 360-degree movement to make eyes at a potential lover, one of her arms, embarrassed by her lewd action, grabbed a floating chapati and covered her face with it? The received wisdom is that the sex-goddess-choreography of the action became so popular and stylish that even the Sun and The Moon borrowed it in their mating-dances!
19. Hmm – good thing that our Jet-Age prophets don't understand too much science, or they would have used the eclipse to make even more money.
20. But how could they have made money out of the solar eclipse? I thought Florida Water….
21. Ho – easy, man! Don't you know how vain most powerful people on earth, especially heads of state, are? The late Omar Bongo, of Gabon (for instance) used to order couture houses in Paris to fly a large jet to him, filled entirely with personal outfits for himself, so that he could try them on. He also insisted that each jet brings lovely models, who would help him to decide what suited him best. Now if a prophet represented to such a guy that he was seen in the Universe as a Sun….
22. But because of a Very Powerful Juju (VPJ) possessed by one of his rivals, he was going to be quenched by the Moon….?
23. Yes –just think of it: because of a Very Powerful Juju possessed by one of his rivals, he was going to be quenched by the Moon….!
24. I see it! I see it! Dumsor in The Firmament!
25. Yes!
26. He would cough up every dollar he's hidden in Switzerland, Dubai, Abu Dhabi or elsewhere, in order to prevent his Sun from being quenched?
27. Charlie, let us go to the bank at once. This is a Business Plan that no bank would refuse to finance!
28. Yes!
29. And the next Total Eclipse of The Sun will occur in 2017 – only two years from now!!
30. All we need now is a a Financial Engineer set loose by a court!
31. Yes — I know precisely where we can purchase such financial engineering services.
32. Not in Austria, surely?
33. Hahahahahaha. That's my secret, Koo!