John Boakye: Are you planning revenge?

A young man was sponsored by the parents of his girlfriend to travel abroad. He later invited his girl's closest friend to his new abode and married her.

His girlfriend was shocked but decided to move on. When the man's visa expired, the couple came back home completely unprepared and empty handed.

Compare this with a lady who was in a relationship with her university classmate for six years. Just after the man had set a date for their marriage, he sent her a card inviting her to his wedding with another woman. She was shocked but she attended the wedding and wished them both good luck. What would you do if your lover slapped you?

Why revenge?

We are born to protect ourselves and achieve goals. Lovers who oppose us must suffer. Many lovers are unable to deal with realities of life. They express their anger openly. Some lovers feel ignored, cheated, abused and lack healthy options except the need to win at all cost. Some are also embarrassed as they are made to appear foolish before people. To some, revenge is a way to show a lover he/she is wrong.

How lovers revenge

Revenge is a powerful emotion that leads people to do extreme things as they show feelings of bitterness, aggression and intolerance. Lovers treat partners poorly.

Some withhold their responsibilities like giving out money for housekeeping. Some use sex as a weapon against their partners. Some also get into infidelity. Today, it is common for some Ghanaian women to threaten that if their husbands get into an affair, they will do same.

Some lovers completely ignore their partners and develop negative biases towards them. In some cases both men and women show hostility verbally. Some lovers are emotionally or physically harmed. In the end, some see separation, divorce or even death.

Effect of revenge

Revenge initially feels powerful, justified and satisfying. You may feel vindicated to see your lover suffer but soon it gives disappointment, sadness, shame and guilt. Revenge is never sweet because it never heals. Instead, it gets you into prison and ties you more to your past hurt. It is actually poisonous because its effects far outweigh the momentary satisfaction.

You never achieve full sense of satisfaction. You only hurt yourself more than anyone else. In addition, you may displace your anger on innocent people. An angry husband who sends his wife away may create a bleak future for the children.

Never take revenge on your lover. Revenge is never a solution. It is always a problem. It is not for you to revenge. It is for the Lord if He chooses to. If a dishonest lover left you, be happy because it could have been worse to be hurt for a lifetime. You can never correct a wrong act by doing the wrong things because two wrongs never make right.

We think the choice of partners is ours, but marriages are, indeed, made in heaven. God knows the end from the beginning. If He has to get you through a painful experience to get you out of a certain danger, He will do it because He loves you. Sometimes our lovers hurt us to remind us of our own imperfections and tests. Use hurts as opportunities of personal growth.

How to get rid of revenge?

Get over your pain otherwise it will stick in your mind and grow bigger and bigger to haunt you. For women, it is healthy to talk about it even if it is to yourself. As you talk about your problem, you discharge the hurt feelings.

You can write your lover's name or the act on paper and tear it up as you imagine that you are "releasing" him from your mind.

Develop a win-win policy. See the positive part of the hurts as an opportunity for personal growth. Pray for your lover. As you pray God heals you and your lover.

Avoid revenge at all cost because it prevents you from seeing the beauty in true love. Replace revenge with forgiveness because without pardon you can never have a fulfilling relationship.

Today when slapping back and retribution are seen as signs of strength and power, choose to be different and better. Create satisfaction out of every situation. Be at peace with yourself.

Credit: The Mirror/John Boakye [e-mail: jydboakye@yahoo.com

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