We can do better than intentionally nurture fake families

For as long as human memory recollects, our families have long been regarded as the anchor of our culture, the sustainer of our morality, and the base for the continuity of our lineage. In Africa particularly, traditional families have always been profoundly important and cherished because they provide emotional support, moral guidance, and social identity for their members. But, in today's rapidly evolving world, sadly, this once sacred institution has had to face, and is still facing, unprecedented challenges. The rise of modern technology, the seemingly interminable pursuit of material wealth, the proliferation of complex step-relationships, all dramatically altered the traditional family landscape, prompting the haunting question: why must we continue to nurture fake families intentionally?

For the sake of those who are not conversant with the term “fake family”, it is often used informally or emotionally to describe relationships that lack genuine love, support, honesty, or loyalty, even if the people involved are biologically or legally related. "Fake family" is not a literal or legal term, but refers to a group of people who are supposed to function as a family, by blood, marriage, or close relationship, but do not embody the true values and responsibilities of family life. These relationships often feel hollow, toxic, or performative. And it is this fact that addresses the uncomfortable but important distinction between real families and fake families.

A family is described as fake if love is conditional or absent and affection is based on achievements, on money, on appearance, on obedience or if family members show love only when it benefits them. When there is constant betrayal or backbiting, gossiping, plotting against one another, or pretending to care while secretly sabotaging another member, that 'family' for sure is fake. When there is no genuine support during times of emotional, financial, or any serious need, and family members disappear or act indifferently, the 'family' is fake. The hallmark of these so-called families that pretend in public, such as in the social media, that all is well, is that they keep fighting in private, most times hurting themselves with spiritual attacks. They present a united front in public but live in tension, abuse, or emotional detachment privately. In a large measure, they lack the art of communication and they lack trust. As it were, everyone walks on eggshells. Open conversation is avoided while secrets, manipulation, and make-beliefs dominate interactions.

Such 'families' would normally harbour toxic competition and jealousy as siblings or parents view each other as rivals rather than allies. In some instances, certain members are treated better, while others are consistently ignored or made scapegoats. Mistakes are weaponized rather than being addressed with love. No one takes responsibility, and grudges are held for a long while. These are the symptoms that distinguish the fake families from the real authentic families. The other differences between a real family and a fake one is that whereas the real family offers unconditional love and support, the fake one uses love as a tool for control. Whereas the real family listens, forgives and grows together, the fake one judges, blames and divides. Whereas the real family helps in times of need, the fake one abandons or ignores during hardship. Whereas the real family accepts each member's flaws and tries to correct them with a show of love, the fake family demands perfection and conformity. Whereas the real family values honesty and openness, the fake one thrives on secrets, pretence and manipulation.

To be sure, not all families are safe, loving, or nurturing. Sometimes, the fake family attitude can even extend to friendship or social circles that pretend to care but only exploit or hurt. The intriguing truth, however, is that the real family is often defined more by actions and choices than by blood. Anyone can build a real family out of people who genuinely love, respect, and support the one, even if they are not biologically related. This could happen in some places like towns' unions, churches and similar organisations.

Historically, the traditional family, typically made up of father, mother and biological children, if any, and by extension grandparents, uncles, aunts, nephews and cousins, was a deeply interconnected system. Every member had defined roles and obligations. It was a network that was bound by mutual bloodlines, shared responsibilities, and an unbreakable moral compass. But today, that structure is being challenged from every direction. The modern world has presented to us a broader and often significantly looser interpretation of what the family should be. For instance, divorce, remarriage, single parenting and cohabitation have increasingly become commonplace in our contemporary society. A growing number of families are now bonded more by circumstances or conveniences than by blood or emotional empathy. But even when many of these new structures emerge out of necessity or genuine love, they still lack the deeper roots of traditional family values.

Fortunately or unfortunately, one of the most transformative forces reshaping family life today is technology. The proliferation of smartphones, social media, and streaming services has introduced new ways for relations and friends to connect, and disconnect. While technology can help maintain family ties over long distances, it has also often created emotional distances within households. Parents are glued to their phones during dinner and children retreat into virtual worlds rather than engage with their siblings or elders. Meaningful conversations are being replaced by emojis and text messages. The living room, once a place of family bonding, is now often a battleground for control of the remote or silent room where everyone is engrossed in their individual devices. Technology has also facilitated secrecy. Spouses and their young adult children or wards are now known to lead double lives online. Family members can now share more with strangers on the internet than with their kith and kin at home. Emotional infidelity, cyberbullying, and digital addiction are just a few ways that technology has contributed to the erosion of family trust and intimacy.

Furthermore, the constant exposure to curated images of "perfect" families on social media has created unrealistic expectations. Parents compare their children just as spouses compare their marriages. But beneath all of these, we know that the pressure to appear happy and successful often masks deep-seated issues, creating a false image of harmony that hides dysfunction.

Another force corroding the authenticity of traditional families is the increasing prioritization of wealth and materialism. Economic and societal pressure on individuals they hail to "make it" have turned the lives of many families into business-like arrangements. In such households, affection and time together are sacrificed on the altar of economic ambition. Children are often raised by house helps or left to educate themselves while both parents chase careers. In some cases, family members are treated according to their earning power. Those who contribute more financially are given respect, while others are ignored or undervalued. Marriage, traditionally a sacred union, is now sometimes viewed as a transaction. Bride price, inheritance and social status dictate partner-selection more than compatibility or emotional connection. When money becomes the glue holding a family together, it is only a matter of time before that bond is weakened. Such relationships may continue out of obligation or social expectation, but they still lack the emotional substance of authentic families because, spiritually, they are dead.

The relentless pursuit of wealth also breeds selfishness because individuals tend to focus on personal gain, often at the expense of collective well-being. Shared meals, joint decision-making, and mutual care which are all hallmarks of traditional family life are replaced with individualism and cold calculations. As divorce and remarriage become more common, step-relationships and blended families are on the rise. While some step-families are built on love and resilience, others struggle with identity, loyalty, and inclusion. Children caught in the web of new parental figures feel displaced, neglected, or pressured to divide their loyalty and love. In such situations, conflicts often arise over authority, discipline, and emotional allegiance.

In the process, biological parents compete with step-parents, and naturally, children resent or manipulate the complex dynamics. In some cases, step-parents are known to treat their stepchildren unfairly, either favouring their biological offspring or maintaining emotional distance. These tensions can create an atmosphere of distrust and emotional detachment. Moreover, societal stigma and lack of guidance make it more difficult for blended families to navigate their challenges. Instead of nurturing genuine emotional connections, members may pretend to be a united family just to avoid social scrutiny. Under such pretences, affection becomes performative, and emotional bonds remain superficial.

The situation becomes even more complex when extended families are involved. Some grandparents, uncles, and aunties could possibly have different opinions on how step-children should be treated, which can deepen existing tensions. Cultural norms that prioritize blood relations further alienate step-family members, reinforcing the idea that some family members are more legitimate than others. But, in traditional families operated on a principle of collective identity, the success or failure of one member reflects on the entire family, irrespective of whether or not they are blood-related. In that sort of family, what happens is that grandparents pass down stories, parents instil discipline, and children honour the family name. Yet, in many "modern families", that collective spirit has given way to individualism.

Children are taught to pursue their dreams without always being reminded of their roots or communal responsibilities. Parents prioritize personal fulfilment over family unity. Elders who were once revered are now sometimes seen as burdens. This erosion of collective identity naturally weakens the family’s ability to resolve internal conflicts. In traditional families, disputes were settled with the help of elders or community leaders. Today, families are more isolated and less willing to seek external guidance. Problems fester in silence, masked by smiles and photo ops. In that way, some families could live under one roof, yet operate as strangers, emotionally distant and spiritually disconnected. Sadly, that is the case with many families today. And I ask: why must we continue to foster fake families with our eyes widely open, when we know we can do a lot better than that?

Perhaps one of the most disturbing aspects of these fake families is their refusal to acknowledge this dysfunction or working hard to correct themselves. Family members tend to go to great lengths to maintain appearances. Talking about internal issues is seen as betrayal, weakness, or even taboo. Children who speak out are called disrespectful. Spouses who raise concerns are accused of being ungrateful or rebellious. But we should have known that this culture of self-denial only encourages emotional wounds to deepen. We need to understand that without honest conversations, there can be no healing. Families perform rituals, celebrations, prayers, reunions, but without real love and unity, these become empty ceremonies. The longer the dysfunction is ignored, the harder it becomes to rebuild family authenticity.

Despite these challenges, the authentic traditional family is not a lost cause. Generally, we can still revive it, but it requires intentional efforts. To get it right and live a less stressful life, families heads must lead their families to prioritize emotional presence over digital connectivity, and choose genuine conversations over and above online distractions. Parents must model integrity, compassion, and humility, not just material success. Technology should be used to enhance communication, not replace it. Families can set boundaries, device-free meals, shared activities, and digital detox weekends, to reclaim lost intimacy. Economically, families must strike a balance between ambition and affection. The pursuit of wealth should never, never be allowed to overshadow the value of family togetherness. Children should be taught the worth of respect, kindness, empathy, and loyalty, not just grades or salaries. Blended families must foster inclusivity. This means open communication, fair treatment, and shared traditions that respect all members. Therapy and counselling can also provide tools to navigate the emotional minefields of step-relationships.

On a final note, society must create safe spaces like amusement parks where families can talk honestly about their struggles without shame or fear of judgment. Community, religious, and cultural leaders should promote emotional literacy and conflict resolution mechanisms within families. Instead of idolizing perfection, we must learn to appreciate progress and authenticity. The family remains the most fundamental unit of society, and we must not gloss over the fact that its authenticity is increasingly under siege. Technology, materialism, and complex family structures are reshaping our definitions and experiences of family life. In this shifting landscape, many families are losing their emotional core and becoming hollow imitations of what they once were, and what they should be. Recognizing this reality is the first step toward healing. Authenticity in family life is not about perfection but about presence, commitment, and genuine love. If we are willing to look beyond the facade and rebuild our families from within, the traditional family will remain, not just as a cherished relic of the past, but more significantly as a living, thriving foundation for generations to come. So, what are we still waiting for? We can do much better than intentionally nurture fake families.