The Tortoise And The Politician: A Tale Of Cunning, Greed, And The Never-Ending Stomach

In African folklore, the tortoise is often portrayed as the epitome of wit, cunning, and an insatiable appetite for self-preservation. It is the animal that always outsmarts its opponents, wriggles its way out of tricky situations, and, most importantly, ensures that its stomach remains full, regardless of who suffers. Sound familiar? Yes, Nigerian politicians seem to have borrowed extensively from the playbook of the wise yet unscrupulous tortoise, and our proverbs say it all.

Let's take a humorous yet reflective look at some tortoise-inspired proverbs and how they find perfect expression in the daily shenanigans of our dear political class.

Contextually first among the proverbs is, “The tortoise says that it is better to be slow and steady than to be fast and fall.”

In Nigerian politics, many leaders enter office promising rapid transformation, only for us to realize that their idea of ‘slow but steady’ development is actually just slow, period. Elections come with grand plans of fixing the roads, reviving power supply, and eliminating corruption, but once in office, politicians move like the tortoise, ensuring that no meaningful change happens quickly. This mannerism was pragmatically displayed by a certain political leader in Nigeria’s past political dispensation so much that he was nicknamed “Baba Go-Slow” by his traducers.

And why should they rush? After all, tenure elongation, second terms, and even ‘third-term bids’ (whether through backdoor amendments or ‘lifelong chairmanships’) are all ways they mimic the tortoise's wisdom of staying put and moving just enough to remain relevant.

In a similar vein, “The tortoise says that if you cannot carry the load on your head, tie it around your waist.” This proverb speaks to the resilience of Nigerian politicians in the face of public outcry. When confronted with scandals, economic failures, and accusations of looting, they don’t resign like their counterparts in saner climes. Instead, they ‘tie the problem around their waist’, rebranding, defecting to another party, or, in extreme cases, suddenly becoming ‘born again’ with an urgent need to visit Holy lands.

When caught in corruption scandals, instead of bowing out, they ‘carry the load differently’, sometimes by blaming their perceived political enemies, sometimes by feigning illness that can only be treated in a London hospital. Truly, the tortoise spirit lives on!

Again, “The tortoise says that the more you look at it shell to see its flesh, the less you see.” This particular saying defines the classic ‘tortoise-in-politics’ move, diversion! Just when you think you have caught a politician red-handed, they will throw a national controversy your way. Did they siphon billions meant for palliatives? Suddenly, there's a debate about an irrelevant bill in the National Assembly. Did they fail to fulfill campaign promises? Oh, don’t worry, they will start distributing bags of rice with their face embossed on it a few months before the next election.

This antics is why Nigerians have mastered the art of looking without seeing. Political abracadabra has turned governance into a magic show where money disappears, and nobody knows who took it.

Another proverb that demonstrates the Tortoise’s quirk says, “The tortoise that refuses to show its shell in public is hiding something.”

Ah, Nigerian politicians and secrecy! Have you ever noticed that the more powerful a politician is, the harder it is to know anything about his or her actual net worth? His or her assets declaration remains locked in a chest buried under Mount Kilimanjaro, and official salary is a tiny fraction of the mansions and luxury cars they amass.

When Nigerian politicians are confronted about their wealth, they dodge questions with the skill of a tortoise retreating into its shell, leaving the press and the public with more questions than answers. This act of secrecy is also extended to their qualifications and health statuses.

Also in a similar vein, “The tortoise does not go to a feast without a plan.” To interpret the foregoing, it is germane to opine that any given election in Nigeria is essentially a feast, and politicians approach it with a well-crafted plan, usually involving vote-buying, rigging, and electoral malpractice. Have you ever wondered why Nigerian politicians spend billions on campaigns when their salaries can never recover the cost? Simple. The tortoise never enters a feast without a strategy.

Once elected, they settle in to ‘recoup their investment,’ inflating contracts, diverting funds, and engaging in financial gymnastics that would make even the most sophisticated money launderers envious.

As if the foregoing proverbs are not enough, another witty one has it that “The tortoise that says it will return a borrowed item has already made up its mind to keep it.” Contextually interpreted, Nigerian politicians are the best at making promises they will never keep. They promise that they will develop infrastructure, provide social services, and lift citizens out of poverty. Fast forward a few years, and what do we have? More unfulfilled promises, no projects, and more promises. They can be heard making promises, and interposing such promises with “I can assure you”, or “Insha Allah”.

Just like the tortoise, our politicians make promises with no intention to fulfil such promises. The nation is left to hope upon hope while they retire to their luxury homes.

Also in a similar vein, another proverb says, “The tortoise that fell into a pit says It’s merely relaxing.” Thus, each time the Nigerian economy crashes, or a politician is caught in a mess of his or her own making, does he or she ever admit failure? Never!

Instead, we are told that things are under control, that ‘the economy is improving,’ that ‘we have turned the corner,’ and that ‘better days are ahead.’ Meanwhile, inflation soars, unemployment skyrockets, and citizens struggle to survive. But just like the tortoise, politicians convince us that what looks like a pit is actually a strategic resting position.

Again, “The tortoise says that if everyone else is running, It’s best to sit and watch.” When it comes to national crises, be it insecurity, fuel scarcity, or economic meltdowns, Nigerian politicians often adopt the tortoise strategy: silence and inaction. While citizens cry for intervention, they sit comfortably, watching events unfold as if they are mere spectators rather than the drivers of governance.

By the time they react, the damage is done, and their response is usually a poorly written press statement full of empty assurances.

For centuries, the tortoise has been known for its cunning, survival tactics, and self-interest. Nigerian politicians, knowingly or unknowingly, have taken a page from the tortoise's playbook, ensuring that no matter the situation, they land on their feet, often at the expense of the masses.

Perhaps the real question is: Will Nigerian politics ever evolve beyond the tortoise mentality? Or are we doomed to keep watching these slow-moving, ever-scheming creatures manipulate their way through our national affairs?

Until then, as Nigerians, we must be vigilant, wise, and, most importantly, remember this simple truth: when a tortoise says it is going to a feast, it is not going there to serve, it is going there to eat.