Ayariga's Mystery Cough!

Feature Article Ayariga's Mystery Cough!
NOV 27, 2023 LISTEN

Thereupon, in a choreography that would be remembered for a long time, heroic Ayariga was mysteriously overpowered by a rivulet of a cough virus that shook his big frame into a typical convulsion."

We were all disappointed with Dr. Hassan Ayariga when he refused to take part in a presidential debate that was intended to help voters choose a president.

Dr. Ayariga had taken part in the first debate in Tamale that got everyone castigating him rather savagely for his abysmal performance.

His vocabulary in that episode was quite depressing, to be honest. And the picture of the Ghana he wanted to lead was vividly blurred in his answers.

Dr. Ayariga was quite unhappy with Ghana's rising population at the time. He vowed, rather wildly, and quiet frighteningly too, (like a severe medieval magistrate) to introduce contraceptives to every household to curb indiscriminate baby making.

This particular presentation had all the elements of a soap opera in it.

How was Dr. Hassan Ayariga going to enforce his contraceptive doctrine?

Would he go around lurking in people's bedchambers, street corners, offices, washrooms, kitchens, abandoned classrooms, church buildings, penthouses, lotto kiosks, farms, palaces, cars, prisons, backyards and gardens, and all the other places of copulation to enforce his contraceptive doctrine?

Your guess is as good as mine. This particular presentation cracked ribs and set many tongues on fire too.

His train of thought was most misty and uncertain, to say the least. Indeed, he cast a figure of great instability with his articulation to the annoyance of his admirers.

While good grammar by itself doesn't lower inflation and doesn't put money in people's pockets (President Akufo Addo would testify to this) it is difficult to become president in this country when your grammar leaves much to be desired. Ayariga was guilty of fatal errors too with his grammar.

But his mediocre performance in the Tamale debate not withstanding, Dr. Ayariga still qualified to participate in a second debate. It was a great opportunity to redeem himself.

As you can imagine, there was a frenzy of excitement in the air as all Ghana looked forward to listening to Ayariga's contraceptive theory again. We were all hoping he would consolidate the framework of his mighty plan and probably spell out the modalities for implementation, as the case may be.

But alas! Ayariga swerved us all. He complained of a cough virus that took away his ability to articulate his thoughts and ideas clearly. I heard him myself on television when he happily excused himself from the debate.

He spoke freely, unhindered by the virus initially during the televised interview. But when your excuse for not participating in a presidential debate is dry cough, how would the people believe you except you choreograph a cough. There were too many doubting Thomases watching the interview.

Thereupon, in a choreography that would be remembered for a long time, heroic Ayariga was mysteriously overpowered by a rivulet of a cough virus that shook his big frame into a typical convulsion. The cough persisted in incremental ferocity for several rounds until the questioner, shocked to the core of his bones by its volatility, truncated the interview to the immense relief of the suffering man!

Dr. Ayariga had killed two birds with one stone. He had coughed his way out of the television interview and ultimately out of the presidential debate! The contraceptive theory had crashed! Ladies and gentlemen, that was the occasion "Ayarikoff" was birthed.

The 2024 elections are a long way away. One dreadful year of austerity under Akufo Addo still threatens our joy like the sword of Damocles.

Yet, Dr. Hassan Ayariga would not leave us alone. He's been busy hanging smiling photos of himself at vantage points in the city in anticipation of becoming president.

At a time food is hard to come by and utility bills have become a perennial anathema to individual pockets, Dr. Ayariga has found great occasion to litter Accra with hundreds of thousands of self- imposing photos to get us to forget about his mystery cough!

Ayariga and his fellow politicians may inundate the city with their hilarious billboard project, but Ghanaians don't vote for billboards. If politicians love this country, let them deploy their money into charity rather than insulting our intelligence with meaningless billboards.

As for Dr. Hassan Ayariga, we would see what became of his contraceptive vision.

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