Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents, bootlickers and praise singers, I have done it again. You see, I am the only one in this country who can make these “too known”, overbearing and incompetent ministers of state gnash their teeth and snap their fingers in agony and anxiety. I am the only one who can clip their wings and bring them down to earth. Yes. That's why I call myself the Excellent One. I am almost like God, you know. I can change people's destinies. And that's exactly what I've done over the past week with yet another ministerial musical chairs. I am amused by the various explanations that have been offered for my ministerial appointments. It's amazing that instead of concentrating on earning their meager daily bread or 'banku', the citizens of Sikaman have all of a sudden become analysts of presidential actions and inactions. This is very good. Please keep it. Keep asking questions and demanding explanations for everything I do – ministerial reshuffles and all. You might not get answers for every question or an explanation for everything I do, but at the end of the day I will know what your concerns are and, who knows, I might try to address them in my own queer way. In this letter, I will try to explain some of the appointments I have made so far to you. Let's start off with Mrs Amsah's appointment as the head of the new Ministry of Fisheries. As I told you some weeks ago in my letter about the Gambaga witches' camp, I think the T'adi MP performed poorly at the Women and Children's Affairs Ministry. She concentrated too much on gari processing and oil milling much to the neglect of the crucial issues confronting our womenfolk and their children – abuse, inequality, deprivation and degradation. So I have decided that she should become a fishmonger. Well, she comes from a fishing community and I believe she knows 'something' about the fishing industry. She should go there and do whatever she likes. I really don't care much about fishermen and fishmongers, anyway. I have simply decided to dump Mrs Amsah there so that I could get someone who truly cares about women to go the Women and Children's Affairs Ministry to initiate policy on how to ensure their wellbeing in society. My decision to swap Baah Direwu and Omafo Sarfo has also attracted a lot of public comment. After leading my government into not one, but two, wild goose chases for loans do you think my level of foolishness is so high as to make me keep Omafo Sarfo at the Finance Ministry. He did well at the Ministry but his penchant to go after non-existent loans, even in hairdressing salons, has negated all his successes as Finance Minister. There is a limit to the capacities of engineers who become finance Ministers – Kwame Peprah, caused financial loss to the state and Omafo Sarfo caused great embarrassment to my government. I have therefore decided to get an accountant, who really understands finance and knows how to fish for money to become the Finance Minister. I know the Baah Direwu will deliver. In my second term, I need money. I need to go for loans, real loans, to help me do things I shall be remembered for – more KVIPs, boreholes, roads etc. Baah Direwu has assured me that he can do just that. He's also promised me that he will never choke whiles delivering the budget. Omafo Sarfo should go the Education Ministry and re-engineer our educational system, which is now utterly shambolic. He's an engineer and he must not fail. Well, I have decided to keep my brother at the Defence Ministry because I can't trust anybody else with that ministry. My own brother cannot betray me and allow some misguided soldiers to overthrow me in a coup d'etat. He handled the soldiers very well in my first term – even though he allowed them to senselessly dismember a very expensive car, converting it into a contraption which can only be used once in a year. I hope that in the next four years, he will come up with new ideas to keep our soldiers calmer and keep them in the barracks. Many of you have also questioned why Kaa Pwesi has been dropped from my government. Well, he has not been dropped – not yet. I have been trying to 'fix' him somewhere. But he insists that he wants to stay out of government to concentrate on his parliamentary duties whiles nurturing his presidential ambitions. I tell you, Kaa Pwesi will make a fine president – if only he was not flying on the wings of a disabled cockerel called the CPP. I am very surprised that some of you are expressing surprise at the decision to drop Nana Amokea from the governing squad and appoint Dan Tsobwe in his stead. Wasn't Amokea a failure? He became a radio minister – just as Nyebiwa Doe became a radio MP. The most annoying thing about Amokea was that he never seemed to get his facts correct. On the few occasions that he did get his facts right, his presentation was at best arrogant. He also liked to engage in unnecessary verbal exchanges with members of the opposition. He couldn't resist the temptation to allow a false allegation to be made without a response – whatever they said, he had a response – a give-and-take situation which only tends to increase political tensions in the country. He definitely had to go. Dan Tsobwe has done very well to sell our party to the masses of the country. A party which was once considered very elitist and uncaring is now deeply entrenched at the grassroots – thanks to Dan Twobwe's energy and drive. I hope he succeeds at the Information Ministry as well. Well, for now, that's all the explanation I've got to give you. But keep asking questions and debating my actions. But I have to end this letter here. I have a lot to do. There are ministers to be sacked and demoted. This is one of the best parts of being the president of Sikaman.
Man of Destiny,
J. A. Fukuor [email protected]