Letter From The President: Aphrodisiac Nation

Countrymen and women, 'against' people and loyal bootlickers, The political heat in the country has severely affected my libido. Mama Tess and all my other girlfriends are complaining. It's not that I can't 'fire'. My problem is that my firing power (and range) has reduced dramatically since I started touring some parts of the country as part of my campaign, under the guise of “official work”.

I decided to tell my bosom friend about my predicament. He laughed when I explained things to him. In fact, he almost laughed himself to tears. But just when I was getting angry he asked me that I should be listening to the radio for “an effective, no-nonsense remedy to my problem”. When I got home, I tuned my radio to about six different stations within an hour. Within that period, I got more than I expected. I heard about 20 different adverts for drugs purporting to help men “go far with their wives”, “travel long distance”, “enjoy their journeys”, “put the fear of God in their wives”, “avoid forced landing”, and so many other catchphrases which simply mean that the drugs will help a man's libido rise so high on the bedmatics scale. In fact, I was a bit confused. I didn't know which of the “remedies” to choose.

The next day in the office, I asked a few of my aides, just out of curiosity, whether these remedies for “forced landing” and the like, are truly effective. Every man I spoke to testified to the “efficacy” and “potency” of these “remedies”. And I was shocked.

So you people, whiles I am losing my libido thinking about how best to stop you from whining, you have find time to go to the “Garden of Gethsemane” at will. Not just that. You have created a whole industry of “performance enhancers”. I am truly surprised and very worried. That's why I have decided today to write on this subject.

Information available to me indicates that these “performance enhancers” are actually herbal concoctions, prepared with additional ingredients such as lizard dung. Most of these “performance enhancers” are most effective when consumed with potent 'tots' of 'akpeteshie'.

Now, it seems that these performance enhancers have become so popular in Sikaman that a herbalist who does not have a performance enhancer in his portfolio is not very well respected, and most likely considered to be a novice. Simply put, any herbalist who desires national recognition and respect must necessarily be selling some performance enhancer. Indeed, the leader of the national herbalists' coalition is one of the most successful dealers in performance enhancers. So successful is he that he has opened franchises across the country, from Walewale to Elubo, to sell his products.

I have also learnt that a lot of the radio stations are making so much money by recklessly advertising these performance enhancers. That's why within the space of an hour, I was able to hear various commercial messages for about 20 different performance enhancers. And, of course, the adverts have helped the sale of these performance enhancers to skyrocket. I tell you, people really buy these remedies for “forced landing” and “short trips”. Those who buy these are not old men like me who lose their libido with the least stress. Young men, whose libidos are naturally high, day or night, are buying these performance enhancers and gulping them down like ordinary Fanta.

So I asked myself – why has our nation gone crazy over these performance enhancers?

Well, it could be that most of the men in this country are very sick and cannot “go on a trip” without fear of “forced landing”. In which case, I will suggest that all the men in Sikaman need urgent medical attention. I am therefore thinking about making a visit to the urologist compulsory and free. I will like all the men in Sikaman to take advantage of this policy – if it ever comes to fruition.

Performance enhancers might also have become so popular because our country has become a land of nymphomaniacs who think about nothing but sex. This is very probable. I have for so long wondered why most of us in Sikaman lack common sense. I think I now an answer. We have been wasting our brain cells thinking about sex morning, noon and night. How can we do effective poverty alleviation when all you think about is how to satisfy your libido? How can we effectively treat and control common diseases like malaria when most of our herbalist and formulating concoctions to check forced landing?

The incompetence of the Food and Drugs Board, coupled with the penchant to sing the 'lack of funds' chorus might also have contributed to the growing (and disturbing) popularity of these performance enhancers. It seems they have given the herbalists and the radio stations free rein to do whatever they like and advertise their products at will without any regulation whatsoever. I know the managers of the radio stations can be very greedy. They can't stop people from wanting to advertise their concoctions. Even if they could, they wouldn't because all they care about is the money. But why won't the FDB do something? I can't help but wonder if the men at the FDB are refusing to act because they themselves are making good use of these concoctions. Come to think of it – most of these performance enhancers are prepared under crude conditions with unscientific measurements and no regard whatsoever about side effects. They are sold without any indications about their dosage and the conditions under which they cannot be used. So people are gulping down volumes of these performance enhancers, risking further disease and infirmities. Poor Sikaman men. It might not be long when they start falling dead like flies and rats – dead from hypertension and cardiac arrest. This is a warning – not from me – but from a very good doctor friend of mine.

As for me, I have decided that I will use my natural instincts to control my “forced landings”. I have sworn that not make any herbalist rich by purchasing his performance enhancer. Even though my libido has fallen a bit, I know that when victory is won and there's less stress on me I will be able to fire again. Mama Tess – and the other concubines – will be happier, because I will fire on my own and go “several rounds” without any performance enhancer.