Letter From The President: National Reconciliation Circus

Countrymen and women, loyalist and opponents, have you heard the latest announcement about the Bushman’s space invasion plans? After almost creating a mess in Iraq the Bushman intends to invade space, in search of what I don’t know. I hope it’s not weapons of mass destruction he’s looking for. If such weapons cannot be found in Iraq, perhaps he should search the White House cellars more diligently. In announcing his country’s new astronomically expensive space odyssey the Bushman said, "We will build new ships to carry man forward into the universe, to gain a new foothold on the moon and prepare for new journeys to the worlds beyond our own." I have always postulated that when one satisfies the gods of the stomach, the cells of the brain are prompted into rapid and increasing ceaseless random movements which could cause the human being to act very wisely, sometimes trying inhuman feats. When the gods in the stomach are not satisfied the movement of the brain cells become dull and predictable. In this case the human being is very likely to behave foolishly, often engaging in very ordinary and banal ventures. (I will expand and clarify this theory in a future letter.) For now, all I want to let you know, in case you are so ignorant, is that the gods in the Bushman’s stomach are pepertually well-fed and absolutely satisfied. No wonder he wants to launch an invasion of the moon by setting up a permanent base there. I suppose he has nothing left to do here on earth. For me, the gods in my stomach are most of the time hungry and angry. You should therefore not be surprised at my inability to do a lot of things right. I feel so sorry that I cannot even reconcile our nation at a time my friend the Bushman is busily causing regime changes and thinking up schemes to invade the moon. It was no accident of history that the Bushman announced his moon invasion plan on the very day the National Reconciliation Circus was celebrating its first anniversary. I think it was a deliberate, well-thought out and masterful design by the Almighty One, to remind me that my best intentions will not always produce the best expected results. You know the NRC was set up with a clear mandate to Nail Rawlings Complete. Exactly a year after its establishment, the NRC has not found the right nail for the job it was supposed to do. If the NRC members had been half as aggressive as the Bushman’s soldiers have been doing in Iraq in search for weapons of mass destruction, I believe they would have found the right nail by now. Instead of an aggressive search, the NRC members have been organizing a series of interrogations, confessionals and counseling sessions for all manner of people. So whiles I wait with bated breath for that one important nail to be driven into Jerry Boom’s reputation, I am enjoying the National Reconciliation Circus. For the past one year, I have been entertained by the circus and I hope you have also savoured the entertainment. The exciting entertainment began with those dumb interpreters who were initially brought in to bridge the language gap between some of the witnesses and the commissioners. Those interpreters were so good at being so bad at their jobs. They really gave the circus a headstart. In one particular instance, which I missed, I am told the interpreter broke down in tears as he tried to translate the sad tale of one of the witnesses. He cried so much so that the witness had to stop with her testimony and console the tear drenched interpreter. Mama Tess thinks that the interpreter wept because the witness’ tale was so sad. I disagree. I think the interpreter wept because he realized that his ineptness had been exposed. Soon thereafter the dumb interpreters ended their act. The current interpreter is too good at his job but since he has failed to contribute to the circus, I suggest he must be fired. I want the dumb interpreters back.

I have also been enjoying the spectacle of witnesses at the NRC trying so hard to cry, forcing a few teardrops from their eyes in the process. I must say that those who have appeared before the panel and wept genuinely almost always brought a tear or two into my eyes as well. The genuine weepers sometimes make me feel like a genius for recognizing the need for national reconciliation. As for those fake weepers, I enjoy looking at their facial contortions as they struggle to squeeze tears out of their eyes.

If you have not been able to differentiate the genuine weepers from the fake one, just listen closely to the next NRC hearing. The genuine ones (those who are really aggrieved) do not often make demands for monetary or material compensation. They just want to know the truth or get their properties returned to them. Sometimes they just want to see justice done. I don’t like the genuine weepers because they do not provide any entertainment. Apart from making me feel vindicated for setting up the NRC, the genuine weepers provide no entertainment. On the other hand, I love the fake weepers. They add to the National Reconciliation Circus. Apart from their facial contortions, they tend to make very outrageous demands for material compensation. They want it all. A woman who had her first child at the age of 17 and now has 5 kids claimed that she can’t take care of her offspring because soldiers murdered her mother. Her demand? Well, she asked the commission to give her money to re-start her mother’s ‘bofrote’ business. I guess she hasn’t got a business plan of her own – she is very prolific at getting pregnant but very barren when it comes to income generation.

Perhaps, we should set up an NRC Compensation Fund immediately, with the seed money provided by GTV. They want the world to believe that they are doing us a public service by transmitting at least four hours of the panel’s hearings every day. I think that the NRC has rather provided GTV with abundant material to fill the station’s airtime. They seem incapable of producing and filling their airtime with programmes of their own. Can you imagine what would have been on GTV if the broadcast rights for the National Reconciliation Circus had been sold to some other TV station? GTV would have been showing programmes about how the people of Alaska worship the sun. Since GTV is getting material from the NRC free of charge and using it to fill their airtime, I think they should pay some money, which could be used as seed funds for the NRC Compensation Fund.

The National Reconciliation Circus has also become a source of entertainment for the semi-employed and the unemployed. I know people who sit by their TV sets from 10am to 2pm – watching the proceedings. Others don’t like to watch the telecast. They prefer to go to the venue of the circus everyday to see things for themselves, grateful for the opportunity to while their lives away. Sometimes, when the circus becomes boring, they just slump in their seats, throw their heads back and sleep with their mouths wide open. I guess they do not know that they themselves become performers in the circus, entertaining those who will be watching on TV.

I love this National Reconciliation Circus. Only an excellent genius like me can think up and produce such vital entertainment to his people. So you have one more reason to vote for me. After all has been said and done, I will like the nine eminent men and women who lead the Circus to get down to their main mandate – Nail Rawlings Completely.

Enjoying the Circus, J. A. Fukuor [email protected]