Shadows We Know

I was bolted awake by a heavy presence in my room. The feet drew nearer. I knew those feet. They were constantly in my dreams. Feet of someone who appeared to be somewhere but where I knew them to be. This time, I saw those same feet right in my room. Fear seized me by the throat and I gasped for breadth as I propped myself up against the headrest. Dead silence reigned in the world, only defied by the steady clicking of the clock. I knew I was not dreaming.

The feet took full form this time. I saw the arms, or what looked like the arms dangling from the shoulders listlessly. I had an aversion for horror movies and anything that had any appearance of zombies in them but for the life of me, I had a completely grotesque figure akin to all I hated in my room. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t think of any plan of escape being seized with incomprehensible fear and having the figure so close to my bed any movement would mean running smack into it.

I peered through the dimly lit room into the face of the apparition and it surprisingly looked familiar and almost harmless. It sat heavily on the bed with me and spoke:

“I am your creation.”
I was dumbfounded. What blasphemy, I thought.
“You were unwanted. Your mother, who had at the time of your pregnancy remained adamant, not desiring again to abort another child preserved you, and when you learned that little fact, your little heart throbbed with a sudden desire to prove someone, and in fact the whole world wrong; you felt so insulted not being wanted.

“That, in itself wasn’t so bad a thought, and I commend you for that determination at so young an age,” the apparition smiled a ghastly smile and continued.

“However, it was the greatest nourishing for me because I thrive on negativity. Your desire was based on the wrong foundation and that was your corruption.”

The figure propped itself on its back on my bed and looked almost dead. I was tempted to feel sorry for it, for it looked so weak, sickly and almost dead.

Somehow, I found myself relaxed because deep down I knew what it said was true. All my life, all I wanted was acceptance and it was a motivation for my efforts and determination.

The figure broke into my thoughts, “I was growing so fast on your demeaning and negative train of thought. I helped my own growth by reminding you unremittingly how you could not amount to a hill of beans if you didn’t work to prove your father and all those other imaginary enemies wrong.” It laughed scornfully.

“Oh, but all of a sudden you changed,” it suddenly shouted bolting upright. My heart raced seeing its bloodshot eyes and the anger spelled out on its face.

“You started questioning yourself and your beliefs and a light began to dawn on you that you didn’t need anyone’s approval to be useful; you already were in your uniqueness,”

It made for my throat as if to strangle me but it stopped midway, sat back heavily on the bed, shoulders slumped.

“I guess it’s over for me now,” it said resignedly.

I realized then that the appearance had no real form at all. Again, this shadow was only in my mind trying to reintroduce itself and be accepted. It was simply a thought of long ago, nurtured by the wrong ideas and beliefs that I no longer held. I was freed from its grip and it was making an attempt to reestablish itself, but I didn't need to give it place; it was merely a shadow I once knew.