Disclaimer: I am about to rant and rave all in the name of fun. If you can't take a joke, you are obviously reading the wrong article.
This piece is for the ladies.
Fellas, you are welcome to stick around but you have to sit your hiney in the corner and hush up. I need you to stay quiet while I spew some words of wisdom to the ladies.
Fear not, I am not planning to give away our bro secrets. Okay, I lied, I will give the ladies a smidgen but not much. I have a few things to tell them and trust me, this is for your own good.
Okay, ladies, it's just you and me now. So check this out, I am mesmerized by you. I want to gobble you in places some fellas won't. I want to graze you in places some brothers won't. Your satisfaction is my top priority and I have the tactical expertise to execute. (Okay, that was corny as heck!)
Anyway, I pulled you aside because there is something I want to tell you. I really, really want to see you naked. Hold up! Wait! Don't be mad, I am just kidding! Please don't leave. Okay, Kwadjo, snap out of it and get the freakiness out of your system.
Okay, let me get serious and tell you an open secret about men. Do me a favor and check the instant messages on your social media. Do you see all those fellas chatting with you? Fellas like me who say hello every so often just to see how you doing and check on you. Almost all of them want to see you naked but you already know that, don't you?
Alright, let's forget about those fellas in your IM. They are toothless and weak because you have them at arm's length. Let's take a look at the fellas in your WhatsApp and those texting you on your digits. Fellas like me who have managed to break free from your IM jail and have your phone number.
Remember those fellas? Those of us who stuck around after we discovered that you are dating someone but somehow, you wanted to keep us close as “just” friends. Those of us who die a little on the inside everything we see a picture of you and your man or when we run into you and him together.
Remember those fellas? Those of us who hit on you when we first met only for you to decide that we are better off as “just” friends. Those of us wondering hopelessly how you ended up dating a “loser” when you can be with us. Those of us waiting around for your man to screw up.
Remember those fellas? Those of us who stuck around to listen for hours as you complained about how bad your man treats you. Those of us who listen to your sob stories and secretly hate the fact that you are still boinking your man.
Remember those fellas? Those of us who rarely press you about how we feel about you because we are “just” friends. Those of us who keep denying our true intentions to see you naked. Those of us who are gurus at keeping things superficial and normal because we are “just” friends after all.
It is relatively seamless for most of us to switch quickly from wanting to see you naked to becoming your friend. It's not a problem at all. Easy peasy!
With time, you may forget the fact that some of us wanted to see you naked. With time, you may forget the fact that some of us wanted a real relationship with you.
Don't worry, we will eventually forget the reasons why we wanted you in the first place. After all, how difficult is it to forget how amazing, accomplished or hot you are? Just give us some time and we will become great friends! I think that is enough sarcasm for one day.
Ladies, permit me to speak to the fellas who stuck around just for a quick second. Fellas, some of you reading this may feel unfairly judged by what I am about to say.
Here is the deal; we fellas are the reason why some men and women cannot be “just” friends. Yeah, I said it. If you are mad then get mad but deep down, you know it's true.
Ladies, back to you. Is it possible for men and women to be “just” friends? Absolutely! We all have friends of the opposite sex, don't we? However, we the fellas hold the key to whether the friendship will work or not and here is why.
A man can only be true friends with a woman if he does not want to see her naked.
If a guy and a girl appear to be best friends, one of them may secretly want to see the other naked. My money is on the guy.
Let me begin by stating the obvious. When we first approached you on social media or at the party, we did not ask for the recipe for Ghanaian Jollof, did we? (Please allow a quick plug in here; Ghanaian Jollof is simply delish and the best ever!!)
We are “just” friends and its all good but here is the problem. You are still the same amazing, accomplished and hot chick we wanted when we first met.
Don't get me wrong, we fellas have self-control; at least most of us do. However, do not forget the key point I made earlier; true friendship only works if the fella is totally past his desire to see you naked or if he has given up his wish to start a romantic relationship with you.
Being around someone you find sexually attractive is one of the worst ways to avoid having sex with that person. You can test this theory if you want to.
Ask the same guy who initially expressed a romantic interest in you what he will do should he find you in his bed in your birthday suit. Actually, don't ask him, just creep into his bed full monty and watch what happens next.
I've heard some fellas talk about being “friend zoned” in such situations. Permit me to air some grievances I personally have with the notion of “friend zones.” The term “friend zone” has become so entrenched on the dating scene that it's almost never questioned.
The Friend zone isn't real and it's a myth made up by some fellas who got rejected because they were just not compatible or good enough.
The idea that a nice guy is owed sex or a romantic relationship by a female friend is ridiculous. Most women know if they want you romantically or sexually from the get-go. There are no gray areas here.
When fellas use the term “friend zone,” they are indubitably attempting to shame a woman for hurting their feelings. I understand that rejection sucks and it hurts. However, women are in control of who they want to be with and they have every right to say no if they don't like you.
Women don't owe us shit!
In reality, it's not impossible to pull off a friendship with a member of the opposite sex but it's definitely not as easy as swallowing some fufu. Attraction and sex always get in the way.
I am not discouraging men and women from being friends. On the contrary, I am presenting these open secrets to encourage us to closely examine our friendships with the opposite sex.
Hopefully, some poor soul will be saved from months or years of pointless yearning if they simply refuse to accept those dreaded words; 'Let's be “just” friends'
Ladies, if you want to continue this conversation or if you want to delve deeper into this fun topic, I do offer private one-on-one tutorials. You know where to find me. My only request is that we become friends first.
By Kwadjo Panyin