To snoop or not to snoop: A woman’s perspective

I begin with the proposition that a great relationship is a transparent relationship, where both of you are open books. The more you know about each other, the easier it is to meet each other’s emotional needs and make decisions with each other’s interests in mind. A related proposition is that none of us is perfect. We all have predispositions that if left unchecked can cause us to hurt others, especially our spouse. But if our behaviour is known to our spouse and others, we are much less likely to yield to those destructive predispositions. The public holds us accountable for our behaviour, making us much more caring.

Many people know snooping on your partner is a terrible, dreadful, horrible, atrocious, no-good, bad idea, this is no news. But why will a partner snoop around when you have not given him or her reason to?  Well, I will say there can be a REASONABLE amount of snooping especially when there has been evidence of a romantic relationship outside of marriage. As a married woman, I will begin to definitely snoop if all of a sudden my spouse claims right to privacy. If you were to refuse to give me your passwords to your computer, social networks, or cell phone records, or to what you do with your time away from each other, when I don't know any of your friends and when you refuse to take me out, when you constantly delete your messages, hid to receive calls, that would trigger almost anyone’s curiosity. What’s my spouse trying to hide?

There are other red flags. One of them is having a close friend of the opposite sex because that’s how most affairs develop. An opposite-sex friend at work, someone you are with recreationally, or someone you simply enjoy talking to about almost anything is the person to whom you are most likely to become emotionally attached.

Another is being separated overnight — or for days, weeks, or months. The longer you are separated from each other, the more likely one of you will have an affair. Jobs that require spouses to be separated are much more highly associated with infidelity than jobs that allow spouses to sleep together overnight.

Others include unexplained absences, excessive consumption of alcohol, and a marriage that has lost its spark……..no sex from a partner for a long while. These are but a few of the conditions that inspire snooping.

Let's look at the following scenarios:

1. The whole day your man has been on the phone, chatting, giggling and receiving calls from God knows who. You are unable to ask or even peep on his phone as he has made sure he has adjusted himself so well you can't know what he is up to. Then finally, he goes to the bathroom, the door closes, the shower has been turned on and you hear water gushing out. You know you have very little time to check what he has been doing whole day and God being so good, you realize the phone is right beside you…………….
2. Your man has been getting calls from someone. Anytime that call comes he either go to the room to answer it or has a very low tone compared to the others. He knows you not to be the jealous type so you keep quiet and keep hurting within, your mind is filled with so many thoughts and doubts…………then luckily he dozes off. You know this is your chance to check whoever he has been communicating with…………….the phone is right beside him………….
3. Your man receives a call and quickly he goes and takes a shower, uses the best perfume and DRESSES UP, even wears a new boxer, checking and admiring himself in the mirror from time to time, making sure he looks perfect. You ask where he is going and says he is meeting the boy……………in new boxer, eish!!!. Luckily he drives out and you hear his phone ringing……he left his phone behind……….
4. Lastly, he has been acting weird, hardly talks to you or affectionate towards you. You feel he no longer loves you. He spends all his time at work and on his phone, no time for you. You ask what is wrong and you get no response. All he does is chat on his phone, you wonder who he is chatting with, who is taking your man's mind from you and then you find his phone all alone, forgotten in the kitchen whiles he wastes time searching for it in the bedroom……………
5. I remembered the last one. Again, your man has been spending all his free time on his phone. Even when sleeping he hides it. Then “fortunately” your camera on your phone gets spoilt and you wanted to take pictures but he can't take it for you as he is busy. You take all the pictures you want. The phone is with you and he is nowhere around you………

It is easy in all the above-stated instances and even more to develop a burning desire to go snooping around on his phone. But the question is, is it a good idea? What will you achieve aside the hurt, pain diminished trust, misinterpreted messages among others that comes along with it? But as human as we are we want to know everything at ones.

So if your spouse has been snooping on you, and you haven’t been having an affair, don’t discourage the snooping. Instead, address the red flags. What have you been doing that makes your spouse worry about an affair?

Recently read an article on citimonline.com where the writer, Kwadjo Panyin, stated that men do not accidentally leave their phones in plain sight and walk away unless they believe and are sure their partners will not snoop. He stated that, a man who leaves his phone around you most of the time is likely conveying a simple message to you; he trusts you……..and I totally agree with him. But he left something out; a man can or will leave his phone in plain sight when he knows all chats and messages have been deleted. Also when he is aware you don't know his password or have changed it recently.

Give your spouse all of your passwords, provide your spouse with your schedule, be available by cell phone throughout the day, and be willing to give a full account of everything you do and everywhere you go. Most will be against giving your spouse passwords and access to your accounts, but what we forget is ones you are an open book the others feels no need to snoop around. The other will be confident and comfortable and will have no doubt you belong to him/her alone. A player's job is made easy because they make their partner feel secure, loved and safe. Don’t tolerate secrecy in your marriage.

Note that there is a difference between privacy and secrecy

Don’t have 'close friends' of the opposite sex. Your spouse should be your best and closest friend. And be sure that your spouse enthusiastically knows and approves of the friends you do have.

Don’t be separated overnight. But if it’s impossible to avoid, create precautions that would make having an affair while you’re apart essentially impossible.  Keep in touch, call frequently and stay away from activities that will lead to anything inappropriate.

Avoid drinking to excess and going to parties by yourself. And when you go to a party together, stick together throughout the evening. Most ladies of late don't mind “quick unholy activities”

But if your marriage has lost its spark, if you are no longer meeting each other’s most important emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companion, if you’re no longer in love , if one of you is bored, start doing something about it today. The greatest risk for an affair is when a marriage is no longer romantic, boredom…… That’s when someone else can step in to fill that void. When that happens, that person can seem to be impossible to resist, regardless of how much damage an affair is to the betrayed spouse, children, and even to the unfaithful spouse. If you and your spouse are not in love with each other, restore that love so that neither of you must choose between a loveless marriage and infidelity.

Snooping usually reflects a spouse’s loss of trust. And that loss of trust is usually caused by red flags that should be addressed in a marriage. Even if no affair is actually taking place, the snooping itself should not only be encouraged to help provide evidence that mistrust is unwarranted, but it should also trigger a serious effort by the suspected spouse to remove the red flag.

Don’t criticize the snooper. Instead, eliminate the conditions that made the snooping seem reasonable to your spouse.

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By: Edith Edem Agbeli