- The MBAs (Me ba ha akyɛ)
They have been there since the day the church started as a small fellowship. They always remind you that they saw you when you came as a new member. Though they know everyone’s history in church, they can’t cast out a demon… not even a half demon!
- The impressionists
They use the least opportunity to create an impression especially when there’s a newbie in church who they like. When singing, they’ll do all the body swinging and vocal acrobatics! When dancing… don’t even go there!
- The fashionistas
They’re the fashion police in church. After church, one will ask the other, “Did you see pastor’s bowtie? I think it should have been a bleached beige instead of purple”
Sister, is it your purple!?
- The Grammarians
They mark everyone’s subject-verb agreement, pronouns, etc in church; from prayer topics to testimonies! After the sermon, one will say to the other, “I think we need to take Pastor through syntax!”
Mr. Syntax. Ayekoo!
- The desperados
They’re the singles who are almost close to ‘pension’ age. Before the pastor ends his prophecy, “This year, I see three people marrying”… twenty of them are already somersaulting on the floor!
- The gossip Gospel preachers
To them, the only sin they know is fornication. They have the sexual statistics of every member and can even use them as prayer topics in church!
They'll raise a prayer topic during intercession, “Church. Pray. I can see one sister casting her net near a spiritually-bankrupt elder. Pray!”
- The self-called prophets
They alone know which mobile network God called them with. They’ll look into your face, “Hey brother. God showed me something. Your mother is a woman and your father is a man!”
- The Scripture checkers
They always sound like they could preach better. They correct, “That Scripture should have been Luke 12:12a instead of just Luke 12:12. He should have used KJV instead of NKJV.”
- The professors
They always have novels and textbooks with them in church. They are always in haste to go do one assignment or the other.
Don’t mind them. They’re still writing NovDec!
- The copycats
They’ll copy everything in church; from the way others walk to even the tongues they speak. Ei!
Don’t you just love church!
By: Kobina Ansah
The writer is a playwright and Chief Scribe of Scribe Communications (www.scribecommltd.com), a writing company based in Accra. Get interactive with him on his Facebook page, Kobina Ansah.