I have never met a woman who thought she was bad in bed. I have known plenty of women who can rattle off an impromptu, critical dissertation on the carnal failings of most men. “He didn't get me off.” “He treated my nipples like Xbox control sticks.” “He came before his pants were off.”
No, not all women are great in bed. Is the onus on dudes to break the bedsprings? I say no. It is both of our responsibilities to be the best lay possible. There are women who kick back Cleopatra-style and dare their men to please them. Women who use men like giant, hairy vibrators, and women who are so eager to please, it can be overwhelming.
(Oh, and on a side note: feathers are never sexy. Never. Neither are oils, and I'm emphasizing the plural here. One broad I dated had a shelf of scented oils and my skin crawled when she reached for them. Man was not meant to glisten and smell like lavender.)
Granted, I realize there is a difference in standards. Some men think that “good in bed” means “she has a vagina and is willing to let me put my penis inside of it.” Most guys, though, care about getting you off, and also care, deeply, that you care about getting them off.
I'm going to bring up a friend of mine who spoke to me in confidence a few weeks ago. Let's call him… Chet. Anyway, Chet met a chick at a party, got digits, went on a few dates with her, followed the Romantic Nice Guy book, and finally, after a month or so, slept with her. For the next week, they did the deed a couple more times. He was unimpressed and therefore, despondent. She was bad in bed. She just laid there, kept her eyes closed throughout, and pulled his hair. It was mechanical. None of it really lit his fuse. According to Chet, he had brought his game. They both got off, but no fireworks, just the jaunty warble of a bugle. There is no accounting for chemistry, but he tells me that he's a little loopy for this chick, that they both give each other ye olde sweaty palms and he's befuddled as to why they aren't clicking. He doesn't know what to do.
I asked him if he she knows how he's sexually unsatisfied. Then I told him not to tell her under any circumstance. Instead, show her. Be a man and show her what's up. The best place to start is first base. First base is still kissing, right? Because depending on whom I ask, it's either kissing or anal.
Good sex is about one thing and one thing only: communication. Cliché, you might say? Yeah, well your mom is cliché. And the best kind of sexual communication is the kind where you don't actually have to talk. Unless it's dirty talk. Really, filthy dirty talk ideally conducted when her heels are up by your ears. This is what our lower chakras crave.
Everything you need to know about being good in the sack starts with the spark that sets off the giant, cartoon drum of TNT, kissing. Smooching isn't just the pre-game, it's pure, insider information. You can size up a lover by how they kiss, and even more importantly, you can become a better lover by paying attention to every greedy, electric slurp. Making out is the most underrated sexual activity, followed closely by dry humping. A bad kisser is a bad kisser not because she drools, or pile drives her tongue, or smooches like she's kissing Santa. A bad kisser is someone who doesn't listen with their lips.
The secret to sucking face is simple: The best kissers, like the best lovers, understand body language and give and take. They are open to nonverbal communication and adapt to whether the other person likes nibbles, a darting tongue, or open, opera mouth.
I don't think Chet is reading this. So it's just us ladies! Here's what I'm going to tell him: Make out with her, follow her lead a little, and show her, tenderly, how Big Daddy likes it done. Take your time. Focus all of your sexual energies into this pursuit and mix it up. Be passionate and sloppy, smoldering and delicate. From this sole activity, all things kinky flow. All the while, be attentive to the other. Kissing can tell you whether the person is a top or a bottom, whether they signify “Me Like” with a moan, or whisper, or an imperceptible twitch. What works for the mouth, works for the nipples, that little spot beneath the bellybutton, and of course, the genital organs.
This advice will make everyone a little better in bed. I want everyone to be in love and having really messy, intense sex, the kind that leaves you blushing and panting, a total wet mess with claw marks on the walls and the bed sheets balled up in a corner of the bed.
You're welcome. All of you. So welcome.