Life Is Barely What Happens To You And Mostly How You React To It

“In most cases there are no ‘haters’, ‘snitches’, ‘backbiters’, ‘backstabbers’, ‘ingrates’, etc. It’s just our own mindsets, perceptions, perspectives, and paradigms that make us think everyone is hating, snitching, backbiting, backstabbing, and being ungrateful to us. Learn to react appropriately!” This is what I wrote on my Facebook wall some days ago.

Okay, so I hear people say she broke my heart; he’s getting on my nerves; he always makes me feel guilty; she’s pissing me off; his attitude or habit is stressing me out; I’m depressed because of her behavior; he makes me feel inadequate, and so on.

Actually, the actions of friends, coworkers, family, schoolmates, co-tenants, bosses, and anyone can get to us if we don’t change our reactions. Reactions are largely influenced by our mindsets, perceptions, perspectives, and paradigms. Choice is the keyword here.

I read an article somewhere that suggested putting off social media notifications on our phone if we want to be serious. After reading the article I immediately put off notifications for Facebook and WhatsApp. It made sense to me that I should have the option to decide when to use those apps.

I don’t have to be enslaved by notifications. I don’t want the course of my thought processes and social interactions to be interrupted by some beep or ring. I could have quality face-to-face interactions without having to sneak and peep at my phone with a notification.

The most important part of the article that got to me was that notifications prevent you from thinking. It’s true. You pick your phone to launch social media apps when you don’t want to think. I’m not suggesting that everyone should put off their notifications. Impossible.

Actually, some people can never put off their notifications because they value the superficial interactions on social media than quality personal interactions. My point here is that you should decide what you want to do. You should have the choice to decide what, when, where, and how to react to anything. This is just by the way. Let’s continue the discussion on reactions.

I admit choosing our reactions independent of people’s actions won’t be as simple as I’m making it sound. But trust me, it’s better to train your mind to choose your response than leaving it to depend on other’s behaviors.

For instance you are broken hearted because your partner asks for a breakup. You love him or her very much but maybe he/she doesn’t love you in equal measure. Or maybe he/she is leaving because of some circumstances.

Rather than let this get to you by analyzing all the things you did wrong, try looking at it this way: your partner left and you are heart broken. Extend the thought: your partner left. You are heart broken. To make it a bit easier go to the next step: your partner did what they did. You did broken heart. Now, if you can do broken heart, of course you can do something else.

Why not focus on meeting new people; making more friends; reading more books about relationships or anything; seeking advice from experienced people; focusing on developing new and better habits? Why should you allow the actions of your partner control the way you feel? You control your feelings so only you can choose what you want to do. Just keep telling yourself, I’m choosing to move on and before you realize your brain will adjust.

Suppose your boss or colleague at work always doesn’t appreciate your efforts so you feel inadequate. Adopt the same approach: your colleague or boss doesn’t appreciate your efforts. You feel inadequate and useless. Clear? They do what they do or say what they say. You choose which emotion or reaction you do.

Don’t allow people to make you feel bad. The principle applies to inanimate objects too. Suppose your car is not starting or your phone’s network isn’t stable or your laptop constantly freezes or you experienced power outage (none of which is your fault, clearly). You can (and should) choose how you react. No need to beat yourself for it.

Get this, the people (or things) who make us feel great can sometimes make us feel the opposite. They are human beings too, remember? Or even inanimate. In the case of inanimate objects it’s obvious you can change them. So eventually everything comes down to you; you and no one or nothing else.

Create a new neural pathway by training your mind to ignore the impact of people’s actions and create a new one that makes you the sole decider of your reactions. Don’t give that power to someone else. Just do you. Once people realize that what they do cannot influence your reactions they’ll change. And if they don’t their actions will be neutral to your reactions anyway.

By: Mustapha Bin Usman
The author is a writer, entrepreneurship expert and coach, entrepreneur, farmer, trainer, and teacher. You may contact him via email: [email protected] or on Mobile/ WhatsApp: 0246134798 or visit his Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/theusmanconsulting/