Overcoming Bitterness and Resentment In Your Relationship

For many people life has been difficult and relationships have been disappointing. Recall your first innocent love. That man or woman that made you feel like anything is possible. Now recall when that relationship fell apart. You learned that love is not everything and often it’s not enough. You felt disillusioned and became less trusting and hopeful about relationships. Perhaps by the time you got married you had become a functional pessimist, regarding your relationship as something you settled for because of age, money, or some other compelling difficulty. You are bitter and resentful; and regardless what your partner does, you do not see that happiness is a real thing and you can actually share it openly and honestly.

Bitterness comes from a negative and pessimistic view of love, trust, sharing, and relationship. It grows slowly, inconspicuously at first and then becomes the very essence of your relationship. If you are married to a bitter person, you know how critical and judgemental they can be. Nothing you do is ever good enough. They poke at everything you say and do. They shoot down your hopes and dreams and they are ungrateful. Now, you probably resent your bitter partner and are reaching a point where you just do not care. Next stop? Divorceville!

If you are still capable of loving that person, all hope is not lost. There are ways you can overcome that challenge and barrier to happiness. Of course, it takes two so the first step is in helping each other see where you are headed and why. I suggest you have a critical and open conversation about the bitterness and resentment between you. If you cannot do it alone, go see a counsellor who can mediate. Once you can both admit you have a problem, begin to see ways you can address the bitterness and resentment between you.

Here are a few suggestions:
1. Forgive. This is probably the most difficult aspect you will have to deal with. The bitter party needs to forgive all those who hurt, cheated, and left them. You do not need to talk to these people, its good if you can but sometimes it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. Forgiving will allow you to let go of the pain that has been plaguing you for so long. When you have forgiven your past transgressors, forgive yourself. Let go of the shame and guilt that has been eating away at your spirit and mind. Yes, you chose bad people in the past, you made mistakes, and you have allowed your life to be tainted by the past. Forgive yourself and believe in your ability to do better and be better. Finally, forgive your partner. Your partner has hurt you, angered you, disappointed you so many times, and that’s good because it shows they are human and need love and understanding. By forgiving them, you are sowing good seed in the place of the weeds you are pulling out.

2. Change your attitude. Attitude is a very basic and yet powerful part of our personality. Changing yours will change your basic reactions to situations that arise. Instead of taking the pessimistic uncaring position every time something arises, try being positive and solution-focused. When you have a complaint, present it with a possible solution. Be willing to discuss difficulties instead of dismissing your partner as “useless” or “stupid.” In fact, let’s just agree to never use negative labels to describe the people to whom we are married. Regardless what negative behaviours our partners present, we should be able to see beyond their behaviour to the person with whom we are sharing life. Don’t read disaster into everything or approach things with suspicion.

3. Be outward facing. In all your interactions and relations, try to be focused on your partner. Do not make everything about your thoughts and feelings. (Learn how to distinguish between thoughts and feelings. One is easier to control – thoughts – than the other is, which is often more reactionary – feelings). Think about how things may be affecting them and how they struggle. Focus on being supportive, caring, and understanding. Choose to challenge all the negative thoughts and feelings that prevent you from enjoying your relationship.

4. Be romantic. Learn to play
​ ​​together ​like children, with freedom and anticipation. Make time for each other. Find a sense of humour. You would be surprised how much it can relieve tension. Get to know the real man or woman you are married to, not the fantasy you thought you were getting. The real person is the one who is experiencing all of your drama with you and has not left or given up. That real person is proving to you what real love can be.

5. Fall in love, again.
​If you have relationship questions or concerns ask a qualified professional email :

[email protected] ​
Dr Tapo Chimbganda
Registered Psychotherapist
Clinical Educator and Researcher.
www.pspacep.com