I've spent my entire life under the assumption that one day I'll meet my King and become his Queen. I've spent all of my relationships putting forth endless effort--gluing broken pieces just to still have an ornament of love. I've spent my season of singleness trying to be a "virtuous" woman--remaining God-fearing, abstaining from sex for 4+ years, encouraging/uplifting others, loving without limits, being moral, etc.
Then it finally hit me, "I'm doing all of this and I still may never find my life partner to share mutual love, romance, commitment and companionship. Is it even worth abstaining from sex in hopes of sharing a special moment with a man that may not exist? Does being the good girl really pay off?" To this very day, these type of questions haunt me. My last serious committed relationship ended 4 years ago.
Never in a million years I thought I would remain a single woman for the next 4+ years, or not find someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. After all, I've always been considered a great catch--the good ones don't get left behind right? While I was in deep thought I asked myself, "What happens if you don't find your life partner in another 4 years, and then 4 more years after that, and so forth? How does life look for you? Will you hit rock bottom and act erratically because your prayers have remained unanswered? Will you settle for some man that you don't truly love for the sake of companionship? Will you let your self-confidence diminish and believe you're not enough?"
I'm currently in my early, almost mid-twenties. While I'm not looking to marry anytime soon, I still have a desire to build meaningful relationships and date with a purpose. Anytime I'm faced with a dating disappointment, I hear the same lines, "Don't worry, you're still young.
You have plenty of time. You'll meet the one sooner than you think." More dating disappointments have passed by with time. Now you're in your late 20s approaching the dreaded 30, and you are wondering where the hell is this mystery man that everyone claims you'll meet. People may ask you "Are you asking for too much? Maybe you should lower your standards just so you can get someone." More time and dating disappointments pass by. Perhaps you foolishly took the advice to lower your realistic standards, and you found yourself unhappy with someone who is unequally yolked. As you enter your 30s, you might become an anxious woman obsessed with your biological clock. Then society has the nerve to label you as desperate after they've poisoned you your entire life with the idea that committing and submitting to one man should be your life goal.
I am a strong and independent woman, but even I became a victim of society's expectations. I know the kind of life I want to create with a partner.
I can describe my wedding, the number of kids I want, the lifestyle I hope to build with him. But if you were to say "KING, what does life look like for you at 35yrs old, unmarried and no children?" I would look at you like a deer caught in headlights! It sounds so impossible.
Then again, if you asked me 4 years ago if I would be single today, I would've laughed and said: "that's impossible; I'm a good woman". I'm learning that the impossible is not impossible. God doesn't operate on our timing. There's plenty of amazing women who are 35+ and not married.
While many of them are probably intentionally single & don't have the desire to marry, there's still some who are single because they haven't found the right life partner (and I commend them on not settling with a loser). I've failed to ponder what kind of life I want to build and create as a single woman without a life partner until now.
As I look around me, I see a plethora of speakers and platforms centered around the single woman becoming a wife. While I'm still an avid believer of love, healthy relationships and dating (and I will still write on these topics when I feel compelled), I realize sometimes focusing on just these types of messages can subconsciously feed into society's reoccurring theme of pressuring & prioritizing marriage for women.
I don't see organizations telling men to abstain from sex until marriage, act like XYZ123 so you can gain a wife, etc. That's because we teach boys how to live for themselves and be unapologetic about their independence. When they become men, they are more content with their relationship status and not so caught up in the butterflies, fancy lovey-dovey dream.
Yes, men want love and marriage too, but society doesn't put nearly as much pressure and prioritization on it. We make marriage an option for men, but a requirement for women. Just like tomorrow isn't promised, a mutual romantic love isn't either.