Ghana Macho Man 2019 Edition

K1 – Koo, afenhyia pa!

K2 – Koo, let Christmas and New Year come first before you wish me afenhyia pa!

• Ho! But I know people who send Christmas cards very early?
• That’s them!
• You still believe that if you are running and your left big toe hits a stone, you will get bad luck?
• But that incident that brought me bad luck actually happened?
• What about going to fetch water in the Twafuor River on a Thursday?
• Haven’t I told you the story of the day we went to our farm near that River on a Thursday?
• No!
• We were going to our farm in the early morning. We needed to go and come back early enough to go to school. Now, we had to cross the River by a log bridge. And just as we reached the middle of the log bridge, we heard a gruff voice with an unusual accent from inside the river, asking: “Mmofra, moko he?” [Where are you children going?”]
• WHAAAAT?
• Yes! Usain Bolt had not yet been born to set the world record for the 100 metres sprint, otherwise we would have taken the record from him. We just screamed like mad and – ran! We got home breathless to tell the story of how the River had reproached us. My Mother didn’t quite believe us. But there were three of us, all terrified to death, and she just couldn’t figure out how all three of us could have come out with a story on which we agreed on every detail. I think she regretted sending us to the farm on the River’s sacred day.
• Hmmm!
• And then, there was the night an uncle of mine passed away.

His brother came and woke my mother up at about 2 a.m. To report the death to her. Of course, all of us kids woke up and heard the report. I swear, the dead man came jumping up and down around my head for the rest of the night. I woke up yelling in fright, but all everyone kept saying was that I’d inly had a “bad dream!”

• Hmmm!
• Me, I’ve been careful about what to dismiss and what not to dismiss from life, ever since.
• Do you include New Year Resolutions?
• Of course. The moment I make a New Year Resolution, I know it will never happen! Something from I know-not-where will come and hijack it!
• Oh you have so many inhibitions? I call this kind of stuff sheer poppycock.
• So have you made any Resolutions?
• Of course I have!
• What are they?
• In the coming year, I am going to prove to all my colleagues in the office that I’m not a walkover!
• But who has said you’re a walkover?
• They don’t have to say it – I can tell!
• How?
• To begin with, I answer their telephone calls. As soon as I see the identity of the person who’s calling me, I can usually guess that the person going to tell me something that will be of benefit to themselves, not to me. Yet I answer the call.
• Ah, but have you forgotten what we learnt as children…?
• That if you have a slap coming to you, the earlier you collected it, the better?
• Yes, precisely. Why should I collect it early if it’s coming to me in any event?
• You’ve got the whole world upside down, you!
• Bats spend their lives hanging upside down, yet they are among the least-molested creatures in the world!
• They are not molested because there’s no meat on them, not because they hang upside down!
• Ok, so you will be like everyone else and not answer your phone?
• The phone company will come to my aid and tell the caller that “The phone number you’re calling is currently switched off!”
• What a cheat you’re going to be!
• Cheat? But everyone does it? How can you cheat in a game in which everyone is making the same move?
• You certainly will contribute to the economic and social progress of Ghana! Join the ranks of the “macho” men and women who think it’s a demonstration of

“toughness” of character not to answer telephone calls.

• And emails too – for that matter. The people who invented emails thought it would make business quicker and easier. But why should engaging in business be easy? You’re in it for money, are you not? You should suffer small before you enjoy the money that comes from business?
• So if everyone stops reading or answering emails, how can there be any money to be enjoyed by anyone?
• That’s not my business. Me, if I need something from someone urgently, I shall go and see the person.
• And suppose because you haven’t sent him or her an email, or telephoned him (assuming that everyone is practising the same philosophy as yourself!) how will, you know that the person is in the office? Or that even if he’s in the office, his assistant will let you see him? No phone calls, no emails – remember? Maybe you’d better go and buy a dondodrum! Then when you reach the office of the person you want to see, you can beat the drum to let him know you are around!
• At any rate, everyone will know that I am important. IMPORTANT! By sheer dint of the fact that I can afford not to take telephone calls or answer emails.
• Hmmm! Welcome! Ghana Macho Man 2019 edition.
• Thank you, my friend!
• I am sure you will enjoy a very prosperous year.
• I will. In fact, I know I shall be promoted CEO. Maybe I’ll even win the “MACHO CEO OF THE YEAR” award. I only have to know whom to pay for that!
• YOO, MEMA WO AYIKOOOOOO!
• Go’way! Keep your sarcastic congratulations to yourself.

By CAMERON DUODU